Vow Renewal

A bit of a rant/venting 🤣
So I’ve dotted (•) the more main points

•Thinking of doing an intimate and as inexpensive as possible vow renewal at our home. •Hopefully on our 3rd anniversary as also an anniversary celebration, but am wanting consolation and peace/this hole filled in my heart from how our wedding day was not as it should’ve been. I know no wedding day (or anything really particularly a traditional wedding and also any relationship you’re in especially a long term/forever relationship) will ever be perfect; however things that happened/didn’t happen (along with my fantastic naturally anxiety (which I’m of course thankfully and finally giving proper attention to after decades along with treatment so I’m coming along)) but that for sure didn’t help. Just had a huge wedding that I really didn’t want and honestly only went with it to make my husband happy because that’s what I thought he wanted and little things I thought I wanted and couldn’t live without (that really I didn’t actually for sure ever need: especially since most of the issues and negative people were in my bridal/wedding party to begin with) like ‘getting ready with my bridesmaids on the morning of’ etc were what I thought I wanted—-when reality is that any wedding when you invite any guests no matter even HOW small-is ultimately just a party thrown for them however •especially when you have a larger guest list that’s essentially a huge party for them and not about you and your new SO. It should be but it’s not. No matter how hard you try-& yes you may get a few minutes together hopefully alone/able to soak it all in- but that’ll be pretty much it. Then the rest of the time is entertaining others and I feel that those aspects as well as other guests not even wanting my husband and I together, let alone -married, put a turd in the punch bowl and the cherry on top was background issues at the church/primarily photographer issues (she didn’t even look at my shots list——at ALL-I’m also still having issues with her and have some pictures like from rehearsal and rehearsal dinner that I paid for and STILL haven’t received. Wedding was over 7 months ago.) so its just a lot. Again I know no wedding is ever perfect no matter how you do it or how prepared/planned you are, not even how much youve saved. Things just happen. However for me to look back on my day with just stress is not fun. •I regret doing it how we did. •I wish we would’ve focused on us more and I also wish I would’ve looked at myself/seriously thought over everything and how i would feel years from now if I say didn’t get things like getting ready with my bridesmaids (having red flags beforehand and knowing how they could be/how some truly were—just negativity no one ever needs in their life ESPECIALLY NOT on their wedding day) then decided whether or not I ACTUALLY could live without it and be more than fine doing without certain things. Possibly even things more traditional you think you have to have. Like a cake/cake cutting. It was a waste of time and money honestly because guess where it ended up after we both took ONE SMALL BITE-you’re right-the trash..but I just wish I would’ve done all of that.. :Thought it over more deeply & seriously/for longer then spoke up more and not just assumed my husband wanted a big wedding.
(Even though he gave a lot of signs he wanted to) I thought like I am/can ‘be happy if he is happy’ it the crappy cliche of ‘I’m happy you’re happy’ kind of thing-since for 1) he is saying now he would’ve listened to me and what would’ve made me happy/if anything we could’ve compromised something.
2) it would’ve more than likely been much cheaper and still close so family/friends we wanted there could still be able to make it instead of us eloping to Vegas etc(which was another plan lol mainly when we were in our ‘eloping stage’ of planning) but most importantly for me especially :
3) it would’ve been more about US. My husband and I. Whether it was just him and I and the officiant or even if we invited a handful of other people. It would’ve been SO much easier, fun, laid back-also would’ve found a better photographer but yah know that’s also why it’s a good idea to not have a necessarily unplugged wedding so as a backup for a crappy photographer you can have family and friends send you what they took. Maybe let a trusted friend or two especially ones with photography experience snap some even on their smartphone.
•Ultimately if we would’ve had it at our home to begin with it would’ve been more of me and what I wanted. I also think it would’ve been more ‘us’ as well not just because we could’ve had more a lone time together/time to soak it in even maybe to have a drink or two together alone but also it would’ve been more us since it’s more of our style/if it was held at our home especially it could make even more lasting memories just from ;for example, us walking out in our yard and remembering what we did here. Or walking in our yard/garage where we said ‘ I do.’•Just would’ve been even more special and memorable. Especially if we would’ve cut out the negative people and really all negativity, made it as simple as can be, saved money, & saved heartache with a smaller/very small guest list compared to what we actually had. •I also would NOT have a bridal party. If I did it would be like two people. If that. Because again negativity and surprisingly said people were and still are in my blood family and/or in my in law family as well as were part of my bridal party. I would’ve put my foot down more. Which you should do. It’s your wedding day.
•this is why I have and am wanting a vow renewal as a consolation to me and my husband. -not even necessarily for the vows since our vows at the church (besides of course marrying my best friend & a backdrop issue at the church ceremony) it was like the only perfect moment of the entire thing. Which is ultimately all that matters. All that truly matters is that I’m married to my best friend. My everything. Forever. I just can’t stand how everything went and I thought with time it would get easier/I would pretty much be over it. But I’m not. It just hurts so much that these people. Especially ones that are in our blood family/in-law family just made everything honestly terrible...and not how a wedding should be at all..on the day of especially but not even on the days leading up nor days after. But the worst was on the day of.
•husband sadly doesn’t want to do it. He isn’t on board with any vow renewal/elopement/anniversary celebration really of any kind—-—however I’m thinking if I can get advice opinions and kind of checklist/s to help keep costs as low as possible then give him a low total number for the entire thing-hopefully I can get him to see my side of it. •also a little disclaimer. Please know I’m not dissing anyone at ALL by any means if you guys did exactly what I did for your wedding day. If you want your wedding a certain way however that way is. Even if you’re naked in a corn field. It’s YOUR DAY. So do what will make you and your SO the happiest. & honestly I’d say if there wasn’t as much negativity, issues with like the photographer, and especially the things going wrong that shouldn’t have—it would’ve been perfect. Even if everything else fell apart. I just am so unhappy with how negative people are and we’re. Especially on my wedding day. Like really y’all? Couldn’t you have done it all before or preferably AFTER my wedding day?? Like come on people. So this is how I feel and am just wanting help in this. Advice. Even if it’s just consolation in this and/or to know I’m not alone and possibly some great coping methods and/or self soothing strategies to essentially help me get over this.
•would much appreciate/love advice, help, checklists, & really any opinions on this. •Thank you in advance and hope y’all have a great day! 🥰❤️