Venting: Covid!

I just want to say everything you said and everything you're feeling is so. very. freaking. valid!!!! I am in a similar situation, so your post really resonated with me a TON. Original date 5/30/20....rescheduled for 6/5/21 (thinking we were so cautious at the time....)...and now doubtful that we'll be able to have our dream wedding (hugging, safe, international VIP guests, dancing, etc) in 2021. We were ALSO planning for big wedding, then honeymoon (to a destination we wouldn't go without a big special occasion like a honeymoon, kinda like a big last trip before starting to try for kids), and then trying immediately after that. Although my situation is slightly different we actually got legally married in a minimony before covid / before minimonies were really a thing, we were still really looking forward to this big celebration...union of the families/friends/communities...send-off to married life....and now I don't think it's feasible. I just want to say I'm sorry for things have turned out, and for what it's worth (from a fellow bride, although we don't know each other personally), I think your friends and family will be sooo happy to celebrate you guys' union whenever they can. Sending good vibes for you and your spouse and your journey together (and hopefully a growing family one day soon)!!!!

I'm so sorry. I'm currently pregnant. My husband and I decided it wasn't worth putting our lives on hold to have a baby. Also, I'm almost 27 and my mom had uterine cancer at 32 so I didn't want to wait to have a baby given my mom's history. I can tell you thanks to Covid my husband hasn't been able to get to any my appointments with me. The only thing he is allowed to go to is labor, but once he's at the hospital he can't leave or they won't let him back in. My sister on the other hand is also pregnant, but her doctor is allowing her husband to attend everything. They live in a small town compared to us which is why our rules are drastically different so depending on where you live your spouse may not be allowed to join you for anything other than labor

Wow, your venue is already saying they will not be able to host your wedding 7 months from now?! That is so confusing and concerning. Soooooo much could happen between now and then. I know we are nowhere near back to “normal”, but just look at all the forward motion that has happened during the past 7 mos. We went from being completely locked down with zero knowledge of the virus, to most venues hosting weddings again (some with a lot of restrictions, some with nearly none). As medical professionals learn more about the virus and how to best mitigate it in hospitals, the survival rate has been going up. And there are multiple vaccines in the final stages of trials. I am hopeful that in another 7 mos we will be in a much better place than we are now. Although it is wise to discuss the “what if’s” and have a backup plan(s) in place, I think it is way too early to start panicking about June of next year. Your venue is probably just being overly precautious after what was likely a horrible, unorganized disaster this year. If I were you, I would just continue to hope for the best, while planning for the worst.

View Quoted Comment

Thank you so much! I really don't wish that anyone else was going through something similar, but it's also really helpful to know I'm not alone!

View Quoted Comment

Thanks for that insight. That's another concern of mine, but like, what can we do about it? Neither of us have kids or have been married before and I really want my husband to be able to be a part of my pregnancy as much as possible. I would hate to have him not be able to fully participate in the birth of his only child, or do have to do all of those baby appointment things without him, or worse, give birth without him there.

I have a few friends who have been pregnant during this time (and one girl I know is a NYC fertility specialist and maternity nurse) and it seems like how involved the father can be is very variable depending on where you live. We had close friends have a baby in April (was due in May), and the father was not allowed to be at any of the appointments from March onward but was allowed at the birth. When she went into labor, they both had to have a Covid test as soon as they were admitted to the hospital and then weren't allowed to actually see or hold their own baby until the tests came back negative, which ended up being THREE HOURS after she had given birth. We live in a more rural area that has generally managed Covid pretty well, so I'm hopeful that by the time we are actually pregnant and having a baby my husband would be able to be a part of most of the things he would be able to participate in during normal times. But there is no way of knowing which way things will go, we can't just move so we can live in an area where my husband can be involved in my pregnancy with me, and waiting until after the pandemic is over/resolved has other risks for us because of age. It just stinks!

Also I'm sorry about your mom but really happy you are able to start your own family and totally understand not wanting to wait. I wish you the best!

View Quoted Comment Thankfully my mom recovered. It was just difficult because my parents were trying for another baby at the time. I hope you are able to come up with a situation that works best for you. This is my husband and I's first child and it has been extremely difficult on him not to be as involved as he would like. However, it will be worth it to have a baby.

Oh my goodness, you are a fighter! I cannot handle as much stress as the average person, so if it were me, I would cancel everything and just settle with the partial refund.

View Quoted Comment

Our venue is being really transparent and considerate. They've considered all of the recommended, required, and necessary precautions, the space they have, the way their kitchen is set up, etc and have determined that if Covid is still a thing, which it very likely may be, that they can only safely host a small group, so they wanted to let us know the number limitations, as well as all of the restrictions in place (no passed apps, no family style meals, masks required except when seated, etc). Our venue typically has capacity for 120 guests, seated at farm tables (so right next to each other and all in a row). We were planning a 60-80 person event. With current restrictions they can only host 36 people in that same space (I think it's a roughly a 60x60 foot space, so that's 36 people at 100 square feet per person), but that doesn't factor in the actual layout of tables and traffic flow, nor does it account for servers and staff needed. So they are letting us know that 24 guests is a realistic functional limit for the amount of people they can host with all of those safety precautions in place, which is a drastic departure from the event we planned.

I really appreciate that our venue is taking a cautious, science based approach and that they are not gambling with the safety of their staff or anyone else. Sure many places have opened back up and some places are hosting "normal" weddings but just because venues are doing it doesn't mean its safe. I'm in New Hampshire, and just next door in Maine there was a small wedding this summer that ended up being a super spreader event. The wedding only had 62 guests, but more than 170 Covid cases and 8 Covid deaths were linked to that event. Covid cases are currently at an all time high and do not appear to be slowing down, so even though everything isn't shut down the risk of catching and spreading Covid is probably as great or greater than it was at the peak of disruption of normal life. I am hopeful that a new administration and a science based approach to managing the pandemic will put is in a much better position next spring, but no one really knows yet. Also my husband's mom in particular is SUPER cautious and his dad particularly high risk (I guess my mom is high risk too, but she's all like "life is short, live it"), so they likely wouldn't attend at all until there is a vaccine or adequate immunity. So haven't a Covid wedding of any kind is really just not an option for us.

I never felt that June 2021 was guaranteed or even likely, I just knew we'd have a better shot next spring/summer than trying to host anything this year, and our venue and other vendors wouldn't let us push off all the way to 2022 back when we postponed in May. I honestly wanted to push to 2022 to start but now I'm just so tired dealing with all of it. We aren't being forced to make any decisions yet - our venue is just trying to let us know what options look like currently and give us ample time to change plans if we need to, especially if we want to line up all of our vendors for a third new date.

View Quoted Comment

I'm so happy for you!

Probably TMI, but I've had abnormal PAPs and needed colposcopies for the past few years too (unexplained, docs don't know how the cells deformed or why they haven't self resolved, since I have no infections and always test HPV negative) so that's an additional worry about trying to conceive. I just feel so fraught sometimes! It feels like a lot has been condensed into this really short "now or never" timeframe in my life that just so happened to coincide with a once in a hundred years pandemic. I just feel over it. Sometimes I feel so unlucky (but in other ways I feel super duper lucky, so I guess that's just how life works). Still wouldn't trade my hubby for a pandemic free life, babies, or any of those other things that have me worried right now.

Hoping your husband will be able to participate more as your pregnancy goes on and maybe there is a better handle on managing/containing the virus.

View Quoted Comment

We definitely have not eliminated that option yet, but it would be kind of sad to come to that conclusion. I just wish the pandemic had happened at almost any other time - before we did all the planning and paid all the deposits, or after the wedding itself, or just not when it did. We would have been happy to elope alone just the two of us, but we planned out this whole wedding and got all of these people involved that it felt like we couldn't just do that anymore once the pandemic hit. I know it meant a lot more to my mom and to his parents to be there than for us to have them there, and I would have felt really bad taking that away from them. If we had just done some awesome destination elopement to begin with they would have understood, but I couldn't just kick them out of the wedding once we had gotten them all excited about being there and experiencing it with us. Unfortunately our parents are NOT the adventurous type so we couldn't even turn our elopement into some unique amazing experience on a mountain with amazing views or something, which I absolutely would have loved. I would have felt a lot differently if we had been able to turn our elopement into a unique experience that we couldn't have done with 60-80 guests and could have really taken advantage of having a small group that all really wanted to be there and felt comfortable. It just didn't feel like a celebration at all.

View Quoted Comment Yes, this was exactly what I was saying. That your venue is likely just giving you a worst-case scenario based on current conditions. Hopefully with this new science-based administration, things will not actually be that bad come June 2021 🤞🏻 We have also rescheduled our wedding. I was supposed to be getting married tomorrow.
We have also pushed our wedding back to 2021. And no, we have no way of knowing what it is going to be like next year. But, rather than be anxious and worried about it for the next year, we are just choosing to hope for the best, and plan for the worst. That’s really all you can do at this point. It sounds like this entire wedding planning process has been incredibly stressful and frustrating to you, and it sounds as though it may be severely impacting your mental/emotional well-being. It would probably be best for you to seriously consider whether it is worth all the stress and anxiety, or potentially putting a pregnancy on hold. As you said, you and hubby are already married. Maybe it would be healthier and more fun for you to plan a huge 5 year anniversary party.

View Quoted Comment It took us over a year and I was on medication to help me ovulation because I have PCOS so I completely understand concerns about your health. Unfortunately, the doctor told me that the restrictions will likely be in place until summer of next year if not longer and I'm due May 1 so it isn't likely he will be able to join me for anything other than labor.

Okay, I think that from now on Covid brides have to stay calm and take it month by month. I’m surprised your venue is making such a strong judgement call when it’s still far down the line. My wedding is at the end of May. 7 months!! You and I have basically have seven months. We CAN get through this with our sanity intact. Deep breaths, bubble bath, wine, and month by month!

I just saw the second half about having a baby.... sorry I wanted to say remember the saying when life gives you lemons....I know it’s so corny but it’s true. My FH and I were single parents when we met. He had some of guilt about picking the wrong partner and having a child out of wedlock. I had ALOT of guilt about getting pregnant out of wedlock and with an immature being who left my son with no father. Lots of bumps in our road but beautiful blessings came out of it that I wouldn’t change for the world. Always remember the road to wife and mother can be rough be completely worth it! Especially the road to motherhood.

View Quoted Comment Oh no, I'm sorry. That doesn't sound like a celebration, you're right.

View Quoted Comment

I am so sorry to hear your story, it made me want to cry for you!

I had to cancel my April wedding and it sucked. We were able to get a lot of our money back or credits from others (florals ect) because I knew I couldn’t do it all again without knowing. I didn’t like wedding planning. I’m trying to plan something much smaller at a different venue as what I want (or can have) is so different now. You can always plan something different that fits whatever lifestyle you have when you feel ready to celebrate how you want to. I’ve even seen a few places that have a designated babysitting area! We had a few groomsmen with new babies that were not here in April and there are places that can do infants or toddlers well! Best wishes!

View Quoted Comment

I know we can include children if we want to, we just don't want to. We would prefer an adults only party. I want parents to be able to have a fun kid-free night and don't want to worry about the well being of any children (mine or others) at our wedding. Our venue (which we still love) has a loft bridal suite and beautiful AirBnB that are definitely better suited for child-less enjoyment.

We already know we cannot get a refund from vendors, which is why we postponed in the first place. It was either forfeit the money entirely in April, or push the deposits out by a year and then forfeit them later if the situation is such that we never have a wedding. If things are still bad a full year after our event was planned, maybe some vendors would consider a refund or credit at that point, but they're all small businesses and hurting through the pandemic too, so I'm not expecting it from anyone. For several vendors, we would have no use for a credit (like chair and linen rentals, DJ etc anyway).

I think what you should honestly do, and really consider doing is looking into changing your venue and still going forward with your June 2021 wedding. My venue did that to me recently and I was filled with so much pain and anguish, and among talking it out with my decorator and my friends they said that what we should try consider doing is to go look towards finding a new venue that is privately owned, and that has been holding weddings, despite COVID. Hence, that's what my fiancee and I did, we spent our day off going to three venues that we knew were able to hold weddings successfully, and I did not regret it, and it was the greatest choice we could make. Of course, with the venue change I had to make some major changes with my contracts, and that was a pain, but it was better than postponing or cancelling at least.

View Quoted Comment

We actually really appreciate that our venue is being so careful, so that's not the issue at all. The threat of Covid is very real, and I wouldn't want to switch to a different venue that was being more lax about Covid precautions just so we could have a wedding that didn't feel like it was happening during a pandemic. We are not interested in pretending reality away, nor putting our loved ones at risk just so we can have a party.

We love our venue and the only reason to switch would be if we decided to have a much smaller and more low key event, which might be something we choose to do down the line, but isn't something we are considering very much at this time. Honestly, we poured so much of ourselves into planning this event that I really have no desire at all to do any of that process over again. I feel like I'd like to have the wedding we planned or just nothing at all at this point and wait until the pandemic has completely become a thing of the past before figuring out how to celebrate. A Covid-19 adapted wedding has zero appeal to me.