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Abby
Beginner June 2021

Upset

Abby, on January 18, 2020 at 7:12 AM Posted in Planning 0 41
So I’ve posted on here about wanting to get eloped due to anxiety, well I also want to get eloped due to money as well. My fiancé HAS to have a big wedding, which as we all know is expensive. During this time he has gotten a new job that pays really well so he’s not struggling to make wedding venue payments but after I make my wedding venue payment I’m left with not a lot of money. Well he’s constantly on me about not having any money left or not saving any and he makes TWICE what I make in two weeks. We don’t share our money, his money is his money. So last night I was a little upset that I no longer had any extra money to do the things that make me happy so he told me I should work my forty hours a week then work the weeks too on top of trying to manage school so I can afford these things. Well he clearly has a lot of extra money after paying bills that we spilt and he went out and bought himself a new Xbox.. so he still gets to do things that make him happy but I have to go out and work myself to death to get things that make me happy? I feel as this is very selfish

41 Comments

Latest activity by Kendra, on January 22, 2020 at 11:20 AM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I think you should talk to him. Let him know how you feel and compromise. Have you sent out invites. Tell him he's able to tell you what to do with your money when he's making more and since he wants the big wedding maybe he can contribute more. I feel that you should have a day because it's your day too. Let him know you will contribute but you both need to be financially logical in regards to this day and you feel like he's shaming you.
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  • Fleur
    October 2020
    Fleur ·
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    I totally see your point. We are in extreme save mode right now (month 5 of 12 on our plan to pay for the wedding). But I feel like we are both miserable (lol) together and have discussions anytime we want to buy something big right now (which is rare lol). I don’t know how we could make this work if we weren’t on the “same team” with this aggressive shared goal. Good luck!
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    This isn't okay. Honestly, it would make me think twice about even marrying a person who acts this way. If you truly don't want to have this big wedding that he has to have..and you've expressed it to him well enough..theres no reason he should be expecting you to contribute equally. Not only is he wanting you to contribute equally, but he is mean when you don't have money left and is telling you to go work more to pay for your half? I'm sorry..but no. Unless you're being frivolous..which it doesn't sound like you are. He wants it, he can pay for it..or at least split it up by a percentage that makes sense for your differing incomes.


    My FH wanted a fancier wedding somewhere where we wouldn't have to worry about set up and break down. I was fine in a fire hall. I tried to pay my half but he makes a lot more and I have a kid..so it was hard. We've split it up on a way that makes sense.
    My sister makes 40% more than her fiance, so every month she contributes that much for of a set amount to her and her fiances house fund that they have to make payments and save for rainy day issues.
    You're supposed to be a team..
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  • Sylessia
    Dedicated March 2020
    Sylessia ·
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    Things definitely shouldn’t be that way and I’m sorry your going through that. Me and my fiancé live together already so our finances are already combined. We also budgeted in a little splurging so that we had money for things we wanted to do. Definitely talk to him.
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  • Sweet'N'Rhodes
    Devoted March 2022
    Sweet'N'Rhodes ·
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    I agree with all of this.


    It's not fair or realistic to expect you to pay 50% when you have far less incoming in the first place. Say you followed his suggestion and worked more...then what happens to spending time together? Surely that would take a hit. Then there's your health-both mental and physical. Plus it's extra stress when you are already wedding planning, trying to save and studying. You're not superwoman, and he needs to recognise this.


    I can't get over two things you mentioned here.

    1) He HAS to have a huge wedding. Why exactly? If you have spoken to him about how much stress it's causing you and he is still adamant on having it his way, I'd be tempted to question the idea of being together.

    2) He complains that you don't make enough. Who does that to anyone? Let alone the person they want to marry.


    IMO, buying a new xbox is just rubbing salt in the wound.


    I hung out with a friend one afternoon, and watched him buy a ton of stuff. He apologised to me afterwards for doing that, as he felt it may have been insensitive knowing that I had less money at the time. I assured him it was fine, as it was his money. I was surprised by his apology, as I hadn't even given it a second thought.

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  • A
    Devoted October 2020
    A ·
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    Maybe it would benefit your relationship to have a couples counselor mediate your financial discussions. They act as an impartial person to balance out your discussions and help you (and your FH) communicate your desires more clearly.
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  • Katelyn
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Katelyn ·
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    I agree 100%. Me and my FH are in a similar situation. He makes WAY more than I do. When he got this job we knew he would be the "breadwinner". He's never put that much pressure on me about money. Money can tear families apart, so I do think some couple's counseling would do some good.
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    This may seem like childish selfishness right now, but this is actually a really huge deal. Finances is the number one reason for divorce in America. The two of you really need to sit down and come to an agreement about your finances and how it will work in your household before getting married. My FH and I have experienced both sides of this. When we first started dating, I always had more money than he did. Because of that, I would do most the traveling (we were long distance), and pay for our dates, entertainment, etc. most the time. About 6 months after getting engaged, I moved in with him. I went from having a great paying job living in St. Louis, to a nearly $7 per hour pay cut living in the middle of nowhere in Illinois! So, now he makes more money than I do. We sat down and discussed our finances, and he agreed that I should not have to pay the same amount as he does for the household or the wedding. Instead, we use percentages. If he makes 30% more than you do, then his portion of the bills should be 30% more than yours. That way the financial burden is equal between the two of you.
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  • Angelica
    Devoted August 2021
    Angelica ·
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    Wow. A little baffled at what to say without sounding harsh. First of all, if he expects a big wedding, while you’re okay with a small gathering, he needs to be paying for it all. Especially if he makes twice as much as what you make. Wow. I’m sorry about your situation, I hope it all works out.
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  • Marcia
    Expert March 2021
    Marcia ·
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    I agree that this situation may indicate a deeper problem. My fiance makes more than 3 times my salary, so we are in a similar situation. He is generous enough to pay for things he doesn't have to, but on the wedding we have been picking it up roughly in proportion to what we make. He doesn't want me to be in a bad financial spot during our engagement because it will add to stress, and in his mind, his money will be mine soon anyway. I don't think it's wrong for your fiance to want to split things, but he should want to pay a bigger portion to show he is considerate of your financial situation, and he should be willing to pay for things that he wants and you don't. I think you should talk to him about this and then think seriously about whether you're ready to move forward with the wedding. Fights about money will likely only get worse in marriage.
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  • Robyn
    Savvy October 2021
    Robyn ·
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    I agree with everyone above. My fiance wasn't for or against a wedding but knew I wanted a big wedding so went with it. We make roughly the same amount of money. At first I split all the regular costs down the middle but decided for myself that I will pay for the wedding planner and anything that I see as "frivolous" or "extra". I don't want to put anymore stress on him because I know he could do without a wedding but will do anything so that I'm happy.


    Take to him. A few people were being harsh abive and I hate to do that not knowing the full situation BUT it's a big red flag if you guys are already having trouble discussing finance issues.
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  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    This sounds like a red flag to me. Not that he wants a big wedding or that he bought an Xbox, but that he’s treating you like this. I would just be clear that you dont have anymore money for the wedding and anything else he wants is on him.
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  • Mia
    Dedicated July 2020
    Mia ·
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    I agree with you @Robyn. My fiance and I split things down the middle and any thing extra I want or need for the wedding he supports me, and is willing to help, but I always try to put my two cents in as well to pay for things. I do work extra hours from time to time, he doesn't like it when I work so much, but he knows I'm going to do my part. But, this situation should be addressed, soon you don't want to end up making a mistake, when your gut instinct is already giving you the answer. Go with your own intuition, talk to him again on the subject, and see if he could be flexible, if not please rethink it, but do the best you can. Good luck with this, praying for you. Smiley smile
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  • Flame Princess
    Dedicated April 2021
    Flame Princess ·
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    Sit down and have a serious talk bc this is a red flag imo. What if you had to go to urgent care and couldn't front the bill because wedding payments? You guys are about to become one and it doesnt work right if whomever is only looking out for theirself. Its your future -together- and he might not of fully grasped the depths of that.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Rockstar March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    This is a big conversation to work out about money in general. This is not fair at all! 1) You don’t even want a big wedding. 2) He makes twice as much. It seems like you may want to switch to a % model than a $ model for paying for things, especially because you keep your finances separate (we do too). For example, to pay for the wedding perhaps each of you puts 30% of your take-home salary into the wedding. That’s a fair and equal ratio for each of you.


    I would suggest counseling right away about this issue. Money is one of the top reasons couples divorce. Your wedding is the first major money project for you both to figure out together. Tell him you want you both to learn healthy communication skills when it comes to disagreements—and this is a perfect point to practice on.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Rockstar March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Oh, and it’s ok too for one partner to volunteer to pay for more. If you both agree on a wedding budget (which to be honest seems like you didn’t, more like you got pushed into whatever he wants), but he wants to do more or pay for something else, he can.


    I had an amazing job when we started wedding planning and I put a bonus check into the wedding. But then I was laid off and landed another top 2 months later at 30 PERCENT of my former job. 😳 😭We went over budget and I had a meltdown several times. My hubby really wanted to add two more band members and offered to pay—that was a great compromise.
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  • Jennifer
    Super October 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    I think you guys should talk at length about this. Especially since the big wedding is what he wanted. Since it is what he wanted, he should be contributing more to it. I agree with you that it isn't fair that he is seeing you struggle after making these payments when he is going out and splurging on a new xbox. You should also talk about how finances will work once you are married. Marriage is a partnership; he should not be making you feel this way while he gets to do whatever he wants with his extra money. You should discuss this to see if he intends to carry this behavior into the marriage.

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  • Gloria
    Devoted May 2023
    Gloria ·
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    I agree with everyone here and you both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about finances and also about how you are starting a partnership. I don't think that you should work more if you are uncomfortable doing that because I see that you are in school still and you should keep that a priority right now and not stretch yourself too thin. I also agree that if your FH has a lot more discretionary income coming in then he should be paying a larger portion of the wedding expenses.

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  • D
    Dedicated February 2024
    Daniel ·
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    I’m sorry your fb is selfish and really a jerk. I’m not going to say much about second thinking someone who act like that but you can’t help who you love

    I would put a trash bag on as a dress and tell home you got a dress you can afford not want cause you have to help pay for a ridiculous large wedding that you don’t even want. And if he is spending on things make him happy then don’t make payments on things and get things that make you happy and when he asked about tell him with your money you are paying for things you want if he wishes that he can pay the extra for it

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  • N
    Expert June 2021
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    My fiancé and I are in a similar situation where he makes double my salary. This is why I came up with the budget plan for how much I can save that will allow me to pay all my biweekly bills, my half of rent, and add to my personal savings as well as our new wedding savings account. I knew for sure that if the amount was doable for me tht it was definitely doable for him, which it is. We also are giving ourselves a longer engagement since we are saving small amounts to give us time to save the amount for final vendor payments. Maybe you and your fiancé can do a Long engagement as well so you aren’t saving large amounts that are eating up your check.
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