Surprise Stripper At My Fiancee’s Bachelor Party and It Hurts Like Hell

I think in order to help you get past it we would need to know what the previous incident was. If it was his best man's idea, he really didn't have control over the fact that it happened. The difference is if this previous thing that happened caused you not to trust him, and now you feel like you can't trust him in this situation too. If you're not comfortable sharing I understand, but it's hard to say he did anything wrong or that you shouldn't move past it without knowing past history.

There must be some more history to this? Perhaps a good reason why you don't trust him. It's hard to give advice without knowing the full story. I honestly wouldn't really care if my FH and his friends got a stripper for a bachelor party. Though I would like him to tell me (I am not the 'I would rather not know type' like it sounds like you are). If you feel secure in your relationship and trust your FH, then I think you should try to quickly get over this and move on. If you don't feel secure and lack trust then you need to figure that out quickly before you get married.

He did do something that caused me not to trust him. I have to leave it at that. I'm sorry I can't be more forthcoming. I'm just having a very hard time with this. Our wedding is in eleven days. How do I get the images out of my mind and go on with the planning and the happiness and the trust? I'm so broken by this and I don't know how to fix myself. Men don't think (and I know it's not only men, women do stupid stuff too) about the impact this can have on the person they love, the images left for their significant other to carry and bury deep in their soul. The days of "boys will be boys" are quickly becoming a thing of the past. I respect that some women wouldn't have a problem with it. I don't happen to be one of those women. I am very liberal in my own sexuality, and we have had a wonderful love life. I am in no way a prude, but the image of him being touched by someone else is just too painful. I'm not backing out of the wedding. I love him to death. I'm just reaching out for support. Thank you for understanding.

UGH UGH UGH! I feel you. I found a box of photos in our house that were from a bachelor party (this was years ago) & I wish I had never seen them and I often wonder why FH kept them (they are since destroyed by him). OK, so the only way to get past this is to trust, ask FH what happened i.e. did she just dance, nude?, did she do a lap dance where he could not touch her? You will need to believe what he is saying or all of this is futile. Then once he tells you, you can stop the scenarios going on through your head, I get it, I am an OVER thinker! I am sorry you feel this way I would feel the same way.

Usually there is no touching involved...

He probably told you because he wanted to be honest with you, and was worried that it would look like he was hiding it if you found out later on from someone else. Would that not have been worse?

It sounds more like your problem is with the previous action and not trusting him. IMO you need to deal with that before you get married. A stripper that someone else invited is out of his control and it's not fair to punish him for that. However, if you two have not resolved this previous break of trust, that is what you need to focus on. How do you marry someone that you don't trust?

I also would not have been okay with the surprise stripper and honestly I would probably be upset if FH didn't put his foot down and say no. We are pretty conservative and religious so that is where that comes from. However I would have a discussion with the friend that BOUGHT the stripper and let him know how much it has hurt you.

So first of all. No, it may not have been his idea, but it most certainly WAS his RESPONSIBILITY to be a grown man, and stand up to his best man and say "thank you, but no thank you"... He was capable of leaving the situation, and was responsible for protecting his relationship with his future wife, and her feelings of security, specifically if the two of you had made an agreement of no strippers before hand. "I didn't know" is NOT an excuse. He is still accountable for his behavior. PERIOD!

If you feel hurt or betrayed HE needs to know it. This has nothing to do with how "open" you are as a woman when it comes to sexuality. Not even close. This has to do with respect, trust, protecting each other, boundaries, and putting each other before ALL else [including disrespectful groomsman]. Personally, I am a die hard believer in you "last fling" doesn't occur before the "ring", it occurs way before that, when you first make an emotional, physical, and psychological commitment to each other in dating. Now, that doesn't mean you can't have Bachelor/Bachlorette party, but you need to honor each other, especially when the other is not around.. AND may I add, that just because he told you doesn't give him a free pass either. That only says he didn't turn around and lie about it, and dig that whole even deeper.

Snuggle with the doggie as long as you need to. But in my opinion, you should really consider addressing this with him. I'm sorry, the fact that you are crying on the couch while he sleeps just makes me all the madder for you. In my opinion, in order for you to get past this, not only for your wedding but for your marriage, you will need to have a open and incredibly honest conversation with him. But you need to be CALM when you do it. If not this will fester. Know you are entitled to how you feel, define your boundaries in your own mind so you are clear when you lay them out for him, and go from there. Enforce the boundaries you set [so dont set them lightly].

He had control over the fact that he stayed and participated.

The fact that the stripper was there was not his fault. The fact that he did not Shut It Down and say NO, like a grown adult, out of respect for his future wife and their prior agreements is totally on him.

If a cop pulls you over and says "do you know why I am stopping you?" and you say "well, i was doing 90mph in a 25 mph zone" does that mean you are not getting a ticket? NO. Honestly is a good thing, he does have that going for him, but it does not negate his behavior that was disrespectful and dismissive to his FW and their prior discussions. He is the one responsible for protecting her and the integrity of their relationship, Not the GM who hired the stripper. In a marriage you should respect each other whether the other person is there or not. Now, if there had not been prior discussions, and he didn't know how she felt, it would be different.

Nowhere did she say that they have had past conversations about strippers... I agree that if they had discussed it and mutually agreed that it was off limits, that would be one thing. But if that is the case here, it wasn't mentioned.

Clearly this is more than just about a stripper. Your FH did not plan the stripper. Strippers dance around for money. They don't sleep with anyone or make out with them or get physical. You need to figure out what is really bothering you. He told you because he didn't think it was a huge deal and didn't want to lie to you. You need to have an honest conversation with him about the actual issue and make sure you are still wanting to get married.

Thank you, everyone, for chiming in. We DID discuss this before he left for the weekend, and he did tell his best man NO STRIPPERS. It was just supposed to be a chill barbeque at his best man's house, and some bar hopping at night. His best man's brother did it assuming that since it was a bachelor party that it would be ok without telling anyone. We talked and cried a lot last night. He took full responsibility for not shutting it down IMMEDIATELY when they opened the door and saw them there. I believe he did not know they were going to show up, and he said he was very uncomfortable with the whole thing. I did not ask for details because I don't need new images added to the already constant images in my head, other than that they were there for about 20 minutes, and part of that was getting dressed to leave. As for what happened previously to cause me not to trust him, we agreed that we need to deal with the underlying issues to bring back the sense of security I have lost in the past nine months, but the wedding will go on next weekend as scheduled. I know he loves me and he knows he ROYALLY F***** UP by not just leaving, or in putting his foot down and not even letting them into the house. I know it tore him up to see me so hurt, and he swore this would never happen again, ever. I'm still hurt and disgusted by the whole thing, but I do believe he never meant for this to happen. I told him I never want to feel like this again. Now it's up to us both to pick up the pieces and try to enjoy the 10 remaining days and all the millions of details that still need to be ironed out before the wedding without too many tears. I don't wish this on anyone, woman or man. We will be ok in time.

I have found that when I have emotionally charged issues regarding someone I love the best thing (for me) is to speak with your person (MOH or bridesmaid) to get your thoughts straight in confidence, once you feel your thoughts are in a more logical pattern to bring it up with the person you have an issue with using "feeling words" like "I feel like" or "this action causes these feelings" these phrases make blaming much more difficult and create a more conducive conversation rather than an argument. I am glad you feel like you can trust us!