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Just Said Yes April 2024

So’s Sister upset she’s not in wedding party

Chloe, on January 14, 2024 at 12:16 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15
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Bit of a rant more than anything. Our wedding is small (40 ppl) and I’m not having bridesmaids because I wanted to avoid upsetting people as I have a lot of friends but none I’m super close to really that I’d want as a bridesmaid and I didn’t want to feel obligated to ask my future sister in law/hurt her feelings by not asking g her so all around decided against it. I’m having my two brothers as “bridesmen” and they’ll pretty much just walk down the aisle before me and that’s where their duties end really. No speeches or helping me get ready etc.


The day I decided on that I said to my Fiance that maybe his sister could walk with one of my brothers and throw/pass tissues to people as a joke since my brother was going to hold a box of tissues instead of flowers as a bit of fun. She agreed to it months ago.
Get a text a few days ago “I’ve decided I’m of comfortable walking down the aisle but I’ll enjoy it as a regular guest”
Bizarre. My Fiance asks why, to the response “felt like an afterthought being asked to do that. Also, she’s (me) having bridesmen and I said about being your (my SO) groomswoman but you didn’t ask me.”
So she’s salty because my Fiance is having a best man who isn’t her, I’m not having bridesmaids. She told my Fiance she could be a groomswoman apparently a few weeks ago. He didn’t want that and is only having his best friend be a best man. Siblings dont normally HAVE a role in a wedding regardless. Let’s also mention we asked her to be a witness for the wedding months ago.
We aren’t really having a wedding party at all, no ushers, etc. this is the second time now she’s not happy that her role isn’t what she wanted in a wedding. Apparently a few years ago she was p’d because her best friend made her a “co maid of honor”. My grandmother is dying from cancer right now and I can’t believe she’s mad about something like that. We could ask her the day before our wedding to do something and she should do it for her brother. But nope. Honestly this wedding planning hasn’t stressed me out once. I’m sick of other people’s opinions on OUR!! Wedding. Ugh

15 Comments

Latest activity by CM, on January 15, 2024 at 11:39 PM
  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    She has absolutely no say in who you ask to be by your side, for sure. It does strike me that I can see where she's coming from, as your brothers are in the wedding party, and your SO didn't invite her. That's not on you though.

    I would let her do what she wants. Sounds like she doesn't want to pass tissues.

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  • C
    Just Said Yes April 2024
    Chloe ·
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    Things is though, we aren’t even having a wedding party technically. And even so, just because one has a sibling doesn’t by default mean the other has to anyway. She was asked to be a witness by him. My brothers are walking ahead of me so it’s not just nobody walking but me. I just gave them the term “bridesmen” but they’re simply walking as she would be without a bridesmaid dress. My brothers aren’t doing anything a bridesmaid would do except walk ahead of me. Had I not used that phrase in front of her she wouldn’t think anything.


    My Fiance has his best friend as his best man, 0 groomsmen. It’s not really for her to tell him that he can ask her to be a groomswoman. He would’ve asked her if he wanted her to be that. Since we weren’t doing a wedding party we didn’t. Neither of us are having people stood on our sides. She said she didn’t want to throw tissues which was fine. Not sure why she waited four months to tell us. It was only a suggestion as she would be walking with my brother 🤷🏻‍♀️
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I think I'm confused about the bridal party thing, because it sounds like you do have a bridal party. Why are your brothers walking before you? Are they walking in and then sitting down in the audience? Is there a family meaning behind that? Your FI has a best man, and is he standing up at the front during the vows or will he be sitting? What does being a "witness" mean? I've never heard of that. You say she's walking with your brother? So she's walking in with them?

    I can understand why she doesn't want to throw tissues.

    I think I'm just confused. The key here is that she feels some type of way about perceiving being left out of the bridal party, I'm just not sure why she thinks one exists. Probably because of the best man?

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  • C
    Just Said Yes April 2024
    Chloe ·
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    We’re not doing an official bridal party no, but because it would seem weird having no bridesmaids at all I was simply having my brothers walk down the aisle to their sets before me in a suit like my finances. They are not doing speeches. The best man will do speeches but my brothers are not. My father will do a speech. It’s really not a “two ok this side to ok that side” super formal thing. My brothers aren’t standing and his best man will also not be standing during vows. Siblings are rarely ever included in bridal parties regardless, I seriously don’t see the issue she has. It’s my choice to have my brothers walk and I asked her if she too would walk with my brother. That wasn’t enough for her so four months after asking her to do this she tells us she no longer wants to do that and it’s blatantly that she doesn’t think she has a big enough role even though there are no big roles.


    Witness the wedding? As in she witnesses/signs the wedding papers alongside us. It’s a huge role/honor to be asked to do.
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  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    I would just tell her it’s fine if she’d rather just come as a guest. Ignore the subtext. Let her be mad if she wants to. She’ll just make herself unhappy. No reason to let that spread to you.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Your fiancé needs to be firm with her that what she wants to happen will not happen and to not bring it up again. Her other option is to stay home if she can’t respect his wishes because she will be removed by security if she acts up (and that is their job). That is how you set up and maintain boundaries with consequences. Be prepared for it to get worse after the wedding with other things.


    Being a guest is a huge honor on its own but the modern climate of the wedding industry and social media treats it as an insult if someone is not a reader/usher/officiant/bridesmaid/groomsman instead. That is toxic thinking. Not every couple wants extra roles for their guests and it’s not the end of the world as some make it out to be. Also not everyone enjoys being a bridesmaid or groomsman and prefer being a guest with no responsibility beyond enjoying themselves. It sounds like she wants attention no matter what and no matter how negative. That needs to be stopped immediately.

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  • C
    CM ·
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    You made things confusing and risked hurt feelings by labeling your brothers as members of the wedding party when you could have easily avoided this. It would have been fine for them all to walk down the aisle with no title other than brothers of the bride or sister of the groom. It still is. As an example, parents and grandparents aren't in the wedding party but they often walk regardless.

    It is not at all true that siblings are not supposed to be included or that it is rare, at least in the US. At the weddings I attend if there is a wedding party at all siblings are often included. In fact, absent extenuating circumstance, I can't remember one where they weren't.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Just as a note, siblings are often included in wedding parties. They aren't obligated to be included, but when some siblings are and some aren't, it can lead to hurt feelings.

    Other than that, yeah, I would just let her know you'd love her to come as a guest, and don't suggest any more roles for her. I would stay really non-reactive to any more drama coming form her.

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  • C
    Just Said Yes April 2024
    Chloe ·
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    She was given the role of witness (he chose her, not one of his parents for this) and to do the same thing my brothers were doing aka walking with them. It’s our wedding and we already went to the effort of including her. Quite frankly I don’t care what she thinks, it’s highly out of order for her to approach it the way she did. If she felt a certain way she can privately tell my Fiance for clarification. Nothing was confusing. And if she was confused, she speaks out enough on everything else in life if she wanted to understand something. She gave us a BS excuse that she wasn’t comfortable walking before we had to ask her what the problem was. I’m dealing with a dying grandparent as I’m planning the wedding and her feelings of her not getting a good enough role are quite frankly the last of my concerns. It’s my wedding not hers. She’s already made digs at my own family for things related to a cousin getting married, sent us a huge list of songs telling us what would be a good idea for us to play for her family members anniversaries, we had to tell her to back off.


    It was my choice to have my brothers walk. My Fiance didn’t want her as a groomswoman. That’s that 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve never been to a wedding where every sibling has an important role personally. She was given a role as a witness to literally sign our wedding documents, but that wasn’t good enough. If she doesn’t like it, she needs to keep it to herself and not be difficult because it’s our wedding at the end of the day and she was not “forgotten” as she seems to act like she is
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  • C
    CM ·
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    So if their role in your ceremony is exactly identical why have discriminating labels at all? That is what is confusing. The risk here is giving the impression that you’re making the distinction intentionally, which you are, but for no good reason.


    I agree with Jacks that while you are not obligated to include siblings it is also predictable that having some but not others might cause hurt feelings. Again, it is actually incredibly common to include siblings in a wedding party. Weddings are traditionally about family so I’m not sure where you get the idea they don’t commonly have roles.

    As for her digs and “ideas” FI should deal with her to say you don’t want to hear them and are handling as you see fit.
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  • A
    Amy ·
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    How are you not having a wedding party if he has a bestman and you have bridesmen? That sounds like a wedding to me. I can see why she is upset.


    Also every wedding I have ever been to has had siblings as the wedding party.
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  • C
    Just Said Yes April 2024
    Chloe ·
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    Again, she’s a witness. Maybe I just can’t imagine complaining to a couple getting married and having a non traditional ceremony that my role isn’t important enough despite being asked to walk and do one of the most important roles of the day 🤷🏻‍♀️
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  • C
    Just Said Yes April 2024
    Chloe ·
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    Would also like to add that when we got engaged she got too involved. She was telling us when we should get married and was pushing us several times to move the month because she preferred spring. She got annoyed when we bright the wedding forward even though it suited us more and she got mad at my family because my cousin has chosen the same month as us and got annoyed because she thought we brought it forward because of that. She Sent us song lists recommending songs we play for the first dance, presuming we’d have a mother son dance, etc. my FI had to tell her to back off a bit and she did. But giving her a role further than what we already asked her to do would give her more reason to try to get things planned that we don’t want. Keeping everything simple so as not to upset anyone didn’t work regardless. Everyone is fine with everything, yet she’s the only one here who is upset.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    And many people do not complain about those things. But the ones who behave are never talked about. Based on the info you shared, it sounds like her response of “it’s not good enough” is actually no she will not be a witness so you need to find someone else. Traditionally, the witnesses who sign the legal documents are the honor attendants (best man and maid of honor). In the situation that there is no best man or maid/matron of honor, then any legal adult present can be asked to do so. That tradition/familiarity may be where she is coming from with her responses but doesn’t know how to eloquently say that in a polite manner so is coming off as abrasive instead.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    Your FI is having a best man, and you are having your brothers in the wedding party and calling them bridesmen. Again, why would it have been such a big deal to give her the same title as your brothers since she's doing the same exact thing or alternatively have them all designated as siblings of the bride and groom? Can you explain the logic? I still don't quite get the discrimination with respect to titles or the claim that you aren't having a wedding party when you are.

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