Should we get engaged young because of limitations or wait until it makes more sense?

First of all, I commend you both for creating such a strong relationship all throughout college. It can be a very trying time, and a lot of couples don’t make it through the college years!
Second, I am so sorry your parents have been handling things in such a rude, small minded, and exclusionary way. It’s one thing to be “traditional”, but it’s another to disregard a long-term committed relationship. Your relationship deserves the same respect as any other.
While I don’t think you should cave to familial pressure, I don’t see anything wrong with getting engaged if the two of you have both already discussed at length of your desire to get married. Just because you were engaged, doesn’t mean you have to start planning a wedding. Lots of people have 2, 3 even 5 year engagements! So while I wouldn’t suggest rushing down the altar, I don’t see any harm in getting engaged, if that’s what the two of you want.

Talking together and making the commitment to get married in the future makes you engaged. A ring does not. So you are already engaged. Other people’s opinions are irrelevant if they think it is appropriate to treat someone differently because you have not had a public engagement. Those people value judgement of something they don’t like over their relationship with you and you are under zero obligation to cave to their pressure, and when you do, you allow them to win. Set and maintain boundaries for your mental health, with each of you supporting the other against the unwarranted judgement. Do not interact with anyone who does not respect your relationship.


Hold off on actually planning your wedding until you feel financially and emotionally ready to do so. In the meantime, enjoy each other and work on the initial steps of planning such as the budget you are willing and able to spend without outside assistance, areas to focus on and to eliminate entirely, and intentionally curate your guest list to only those who are 100% supportive of your relationship whom you cannot imagine the day without. Do not invite anyone out of obligation whom you have no relationship with and who disrespects you or fiancé because you don’t have a public Facebook engagement complete with fancy ring, string quartet and professional photographer.

Your parents are trying to control you via money and finances. Also it's incredibly rude of them to exclude your long term boyfriend from the family event.

I would avoid depending on them for anything, because that will always be a string to hold over your head. Honestly, I would not go on any trips that my spouse is not welcome at, and would decline the trip coming up. You're going to have to teach them how you and your relationship deserve to be treated. Once you take all of the irrelevant opinions away, you'll be left with what you two want to do, which is what's important anyway.

View Quoted Comment

Ugh! This is so validating. My partner and I had this exact conversation today. When it comes down to it, we are engaged. It's definitely going to take some work to feel confident in that, but I think that will come with time and a little work with my therapist.

I'm trying very hard to let go of the idea of everyone agreeing with my relationship decisions. I honestly think my mom is just very loud about anyone under the age of 40 not "knowing themselves" or how to make smart decisions, so it's very hard to trust myself when I've been taught that I shouldn't until I'm 40. The responses to this so far have been really different than I was expecting, so I feel a step closer to being confident in my choice.

I completely understand what you are going through. While I don’t know you’re exact age, I am in your same situation. My fiancé proposed to me our senior year of college and we decided to have a longer engagement in order to save money and get jobs before we get married.


Unlike you, my parents were not as closed minded as yours are. In my family, most people marry very young or around the age me and my partner are now. There is no rule saying what age you have to get married at. You guys have been together for about the same of time as me and my partner. I would feel completely disrespected if I want treated the same way after being together for 5 years. You two are both adults, are capable of making your own decisions.
Don’t let your family bring you down if you discussed all the details with your partner. Like another poster said, you don’t have to go to vacations where you guys don’t fee accepted and treated like adults. Me and my fiancé go on our own vacations all the time and we have a great time. So I always recommend that. And btw, we both are still “real adults” we just adults with less life experience. At least that’s how I view it.
Good luck in college! I just graduated and defiantly understand the stress of senior year!

Everyone above has helpful and kind words. I agree most with Jacks because sometimes you have to use something non-emotional like $ to assert your boundaries. Plan with your partner to pay for your shared home, shared life, and wedding on your own. Once you take ownership of that, others' cannot comment because they are not decision-makers. If you want a wedding, wait until you can save for one (that's what most couples do).

Families infantilize adults by pulling on the purse strings. Don't let them. I can't believe they are offering you a Graduation vacay, but simultaneously dismiss your life partner and expect free labor like you're an older child. Just pass, time to make new memories. Go on a vacation with your partner who does respect you.

Don't get married sooner than you think is best just because your family is living in the past.


I highly recommend graduating and starting your lives together outside of college before you get married. My fiance and I lived together for years before getting engaged and most of my friends have done the same. This honestly does not sound like a question of when to get married but a question of if or when your family will understand current times.
My own family took their time getting used to us living together and being unmarried, but they did get used to it eventually. Weddings are insanely expensive and time consuming to plan. I wouldn't get engaged while figuring out my job and living situation straight out of college. Trust me, that is a whole adventure on its own.

You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders and you and your boyfriend are in a true partnership with responsible plans for the future. It really sucks for them to be treating him/you this way, but I do that caving due to their pressure will set the tone for the future. Set and hold firm boundaries with them now - I would decline the upcoming vacation. Congrats and good luck.

Hmmm, that's tricky. I guess it really depends on what's important for the two of you. If you see engagement or marriage in the near future, why not go for it? If you want to wait until it feels right, it wouldn't hurt to wait and explore all your options. At the end of the day, the choice is up to you two and your preferences.

Other people have given some good advice. I will add that it's time to move in together. BEFORE getting engaged. This is my husband's #1 advice to young couples. Living together is the only way to know how your relationship will go forward. It sounds like your family are old school and might not want you to move in without a ring, but this is 2024 and it's the most common path now for a reason. Marriage itself isn't actually a big adjustment, it's navigating sharing a household and finances. Finances are actually the most common reason for divorce. I'm not saying you guys will get a divorce, but you have to figure out how to cohabitate and make adult decisions together to know when and if you're ready for marriage. And a big adult decision is learning to put your foot down and do what's best for YOU rather than what your parents want. If they thresten to "cut off support," oh well, you'll be making your own money soon and learning to each other's safety net.