Regrets over who you chose for your bridesmaids?

It's hard to say without knowing at least a little more. Generally the best advice is not to kick someone out of your wedding party, because it's a huge slight and will risk the friendship.

I recommend letting your WP be adults capable of solving disagreements within themselves. If you remove her, you sever the friendship irrevocably, and it may appear it's based on heresay. However, if this bridesmaid is trying to circumvent the wedding to her vision, then you as the bride and co-host should have a conversation with her. Good luck.

If you kick her out of the bridal party, be prepared she may never want to talk to you again. Are you willing to risk that? Is she also nasty to you, or supportive of you but just doesn't click with the other bridesmaids? Unless there are major issues -- like she might ruin your day, start a fight, get too drunk and do something dangerous, etc. -- I would encourage everyone to just suck it up for the day. Maybe talk to the other bridesmaids and tell them to just be adults and politely ignore her for one day.

Unless this bridesmaid has done something seriously egregious, I would not kick her out of the wedding party.

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I've been disappointed with her due to her lack of interest with the engagement/wedding/wedding planning, checking in on me, lack of communication with myself and the other bridesmaids, and not taking accountability regarding the original plans of the bachelorette party getting botched due to her lack of planning and (again) communication with the other bridesmaids. That's what created the tension amongst them. It appears that the majority of the WP could care less about this particular bridesmaid now. Her reasoning as to why she's been "absent" is because she's exhausted and states that I overlook that fact. Thing is we're ALL exhausted yet somehow all the other bridesmaids are pulling their weight and check in on me periodically seeing how I am doing, if I need help with anything, etc. I even have friends who aren't even in the WP check in on me. So we all just kind of feel like she needs a way better excuse than being exhausted. It just hurts my feelings that she's not there the way I was hoping she would be: there's no emotional support, not being present when we do have wedding activities, not being a part of the "team". So because she's not being a team player the other girls are kind of excluding her as they are aware of the lack of interest too. I did communicate with her my disappointment and you would think she would step it up by now but it's still the same. I just don't want any tension on such an important day of my life.

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She's not as supportive compared to the other BMs and even friends not in the WP. TBH I don't think she's that supportive at all: I don't get any temperature checks, not much communication regarding wedding updates, lack of interest about the wedding. It's always me following up with her. It would be nice considering she is a BM that she'd follow up with me and/or check in every once in a while. The other BMs are very well aware of this hence why they have "issues" with her as they don't think she is being a good BM let alone a good girlfriend. Because the other BMs support me 100%, they are just sucking it up and playing nice for the sake of our own individual friendships and they too want me to have a drama-free wedding day. But because I know they feel some kind of way about her (as do I) I just don't know if I should just politely ask her to not be in the WP any longer. And yes, I did communicate with this particular BM about my disappointment in her but I don't see much improvement or acknowledgement regarding that-she's still the same not-present-person she was from the start. I'm not a mean person-that's why I am currently still keeping her as she already has her dress and HMUA already booked, but I am also telling myself that shouldn't be a reason why I keep her there too. I'm just torn because obviously me removing her will change our friendship---but the friendship may change regardless because she's not the type of friend I thought she would be.

View Quoted Comment Why does she need to do "temperature checks" about the wedding? Your bridesmaids are not going to drop everything in their own lives so they can focus 100% on you. Her only job is to buy the dress, be there on the big day, and walk down the aisle at the ceremony. Everything else is optional. You said she already took care of the dress and HAMU, so she's on top of things. There's no reason to kick her out.

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I guess we have varying opinions of what we anticipate from BMs and that is fine. I didn't say anyone had to drop their lives 100% to check in on me. AAMOF I haven't of any of them. I'm saying it would be nice as a friend if she showed some sort of interest because it is making me feel like I could have asked another friend who is supportive/cares or not have had her at all as I would think the individuals you have standing up there with you are the individuals who support you 100% in friendship and for your marriage. Thanks for your input though.

If she has been a friend sufficient to be selected for you wedding party, then treat her with that respect and tell others you are supportive of her just as you are supportive of the others. Let the other bridesmaids know that you will always hold the best memories of them. Keep in mind that your friend can still desire the best for you but not be able to focus on your wedding the way the others are. If you end up going different ways in life, make the transition as happy as can be. If you continue in friendship, remember how she was able to be there on your special day.

Checking in on me is not an obligation that is correct BUT that's what friends do whether there's a wedding or not. We have expectations of friends and friendships, that you are there for each other at key moments in your life, that you're there for each other in not so key moments too! That's what friends do. Kind of taken aback that only just having to buy a dress and showing up suffices and me wanting more than that deems me entitled. But who knows maybe those comments are in regards to only just being a bridesmaid and not being a friend. But for me, the bridesmaids are my friends, why else would I have chosen them to be my bridesmaids. But different friendship goals for different folks I suppose. I guess I should have added this question instead so this forum makes more sense: should a friend/bridesmaid who you originally thought would be supportive ends up not being as supportive still be standing up there with you during one of the most important days of your life?

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Thank you for your positive insight.

Well the bridesmaid position is for you to honour her. What have you done to honour the contribution she's made to your life? Sounds like she's struggling, I hope she's OK.

I mean your wedding is one day. Are you willing to lose this friendship over this?

I'm not sure what you mean by "temperature check". You're planning a wedding, and presumably this is a happy time for you. Also, she doesn't owe you parties, all the pre-wedding stuff is optional. She got her dress and has made plans for HMU (which is also optional).

Sounds like you and the rest of the gang have decided that she's not producing what you want for your day. I would guess she's feeling really marginalized and left out by now.

Kicking her out will not only change the friendship but it will very likely end it, hopefully that's worth it.

I think you should remind yourself not everyone is into weddings. Not every woman has a wedding dream from when she was a little girl, nor prioritizes how to land a partner to marry. It doesn't mean your friend isn't happy for you though. Like the other posters asked, has she been a good friend to you prior? Do you listen to each other? Why is she exhausted with her life-- did you ask? Or are you worried she finds you exhausting? Just because you told her your feelings, doesn't mean she has to comply like she's your work assistant. You frequently mentioned your need for support, but have you taken a step back and examined your overall mental health through this wedding planning process? For many this is particularly stressful and that is why we generally recommend to seek support from your partner. They should be the support in your life, throughout your life. And if you feel you can't trust them with this, I think you should refocus on making an optimal life instead of an optimal wedding.

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Agree with this all. A wedding is one day.

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I guess I should have added this question instead so this forum makes more sense: should a friend/bridesmaid who you originally thought would be supportive ends up not being as supportive still be standing up there with you during one of the most important days of your life?

The answer to this question is yes, because bridesmaids are people you are honoring for their position in your life, not the other way around. And not for how much time and money they're spending to throw you extra optional parties or help plan a wedding.

Also, I see nothing suggesting she isn't supportive of you and your marriage. Not being involved in all of the extra stuff does not mean she isn't supportive. I wish people would stop confusing someone not being supportive with them not behaving exactly as you want them to, or not doing all this extra stuff for you.

View Quoted Comment Those are not valid reasons to remove someone as a bridesmaid. A reason to remove someone is them telling you that they don’t like your fiancé and the reasons they have are unfounded. Planning the wedding is not their responsibility at all. Their only job is to buy a dress and support you at the rehearsal and wedding day. Your fiancé is there to support and plan with you leading up to the wedding day and do all the things that you are upset that your bridesmaids are “slacking on”. If you remove those Hollywood/social media expectations, you will be a lot more relaxed. Bridesmaids are not employees so don’t treat them like they are. This is also why it’s strongly suggested to limit your bridesmaids to only your closest friends and not asking your partner’s female relatives you have no relationship with or other women out of obligation that you are not close to. There is no etiquette rule that says you must have people you hardly know or like just because they are family and parents are bullying you or you were besties at 15 but don’t talk now


Be aware that when you remove someone as a bridesmaid, you are ending the relationship/friendship on the spot.

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"This is also why it’s strongly suggested to limit your bridesmaids to only your closest friends and not asking your partner’s female relatives you have no relationship with or other women out of obligation that you are not close to."

I agree with everything else you wrote but this is not only not true or recommended as a general rule, it more or less contradicts the premise that the title is a symbolic honor, not a job. The position can either be for those you've known a lifetime, your nearest and dearest friends and relatives, or those who will be family for a lifetime to come. While not obligatory, traditionally weddings are about two families joining together. Barring a bad relationship, or other circumstances, IMO it can be a very nice gesture to include future sister in laws.