Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Sabrina
Just Said Yes October 2023

Private First Meal - Is it rude???

Sabrina, on February 14, 2023 at 10:05 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 43
Saved
Reply

Hi guys! I need some other people's advice on this: Is sneaking out during the cocktail hour after pictures for 30 mins to catch a private meal with my new husband rude?

I had seen this idea floating around on the internet and thought it was great. I am a bit more introverted, so having a quick 30 min. alone with my partner to take it all in and ensure we get some food in our stomachs seemed like a great idea before going out to see all my guests. So I was going to have a 30 min. ceremony, stay behind for 15 minutes to see the guests to the cocktail hour, slip away for all the family photos and couples photos for 1 hr, and then have the 30 min meal. During the cocktail hour, provide hordervs, drinks, music, and games for all the guests before having them move into the ceremony and then reappear after entrances. I figured I would get a lot of my socialization done during dinner, and then provide some more wedding games during the dinner that are more bridal party focused.

My mom is an event planner and my parents are paying for most of the wedding, so I have been running a lot of my ideas by her. I was going over some photography pricing and talking about the schedule that I had briefly made up on the fly to talk to photographers. When I mentioned the private meal, she immediately said I should not do that and that it was incredibly rude to my guests that traveled all the way to see us. She said that if I get overwhelmed by large crowds, I shouldn't be having a wedding at all. That those guests are there to see you, and that they will be insanely bored and grumpy. She said that I should take no more than 5 minutes to drink it all in, take 30 mins for pictures, and then go mingle.

I can understand now that the people who can't stay for the reception, I will have missed those guests completely. And I can understand the importance of making an appearance at the cocktail party. But my fiance and I don't see sneaking off to eat quickly is rude. I think it would be more rude to be starving at your guests during the reception and be snappy at them while I am trying to eat. I have been to weddings where the bride and groom get so busy socializing that don't even get to try their own cake or eat a meal!

Can I please get some advice? Thanks!

43 Comments

Latest activity by Zaina, on May 9, 2023 at 7:21 AM
  • Jm Sunshine
    Jm Sunshine ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Your mom is absolutely correct...as a guest, I would find it incredibly rude (especially if i paid travel/hotel expenses). Guests are there to support you, so what's the point if you're going to disappear and not eat amongst the "commoners"?Good luck "mingling" for the first 15 min of cocktail hour. You'll be surrounded by everyone wanting to congratulate you. Go straight to photos after ceremony then join your guests. They will quickly become bored and antsy if they're left without the host for more than an hour (hence cocktail HOUR).
    • Reply
  • K
    Super September 2023
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    So doing the full meal privately isn’t as common, but you can definitely have some of the hors d’oeuvres privately during the cocktail hour! A lot of couples who don’t make sure to nab some miss out when later the guests are raving about how great the apps were, and you’ll be just as hungry as everyone else! It’s expected that the couple is not around during the cocktail hour, and that time is meant to keep the guests busy while they’re getting pictures and whatever else they need to do to get ready for the reception. And if you use that time to eat some hors d’oeuvres, you’ll get some quiet time with FH before re-entering for the reception.


    I agree that you shouldn’t extend this beyond the reception, though. If you’re worried about having enough time to grab food and get all the photos in that time, I would recommend doing a first look. That way you can take time getting most of your photos done before the ceremony and then have that time during the cocktail hour to refresh and get a little quiet time in before the party! Then enjoy your actual meal with the rest of the guests at the reception. You can still take a few minutes to eat then before you start making the rounds to all the tables.
    • Reply
  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    We didn’t have anyone bother us while we were trying to eat our dinner. We also had a day-of coordinator who made sure we served FIRST and promised that if guests tried to interrupt our dinner, she would run some “polite interference”. Once both my husband and I were done eating, we got up and started to make rounds while people were eating.


    If you don’t already have a day-of coordinator, I highly suggest hiring one. If budget is tight, I suggest searching Thumbtack or Task Rabbit. When meeting with them about the plan for your day, ask them if they can arrange for you to be served your plates first.
    • Reply
  • Sabrina
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    *I think that this posted this comment to the wrong quote, so please bear with me as I am new to posting on forums here*

    Thank you, Kimberly! I really appreciate your response to this. My fiance doesn't want to do a first look as he has always wanted to first see me coming down the aisle, so that's why I am trying to avoid one. I am however breaking up photos to be before and after so that all the bridesmaid and groomsmen solo shots are taken.

    • Reply
  • Sabrina
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you for your response and opinion! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.


    Please know, I really didn’t mean to offend people and don’t want to be rude, let alone looking at my guests as “commoners.” I thought that having a private meal would be an opportunity to be able to put my best self forward. I had seen the trend on social media, and I had only heard positives about it until my mother pointed it out as rude. And if you Google this question, you are again met with again only positives. So I wanted to get some outside opinions as well.
    So thank you once again! I’ll be re-working my schedule to take all these things into consideration.

    • Reply
  • Sabrina
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Hi Erin!

    Thank you for responding! I do have a day of coordinator, and this is also a great solution.

    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    At my wedding, my day-of coordinator setup appetizers and beverages in the bridal suite for my husband and I to enjoy privately following the ceremony. She actually recommended that we didn't attend cocktail hour with everyone, so that our grand entrance would be the first time our guests see us after the ceremony. We also did a sweetheart table for dinner, which made it feel more like a private dinner. No one came up to talk to us during dinner (probably because they were all eating too), so it truly gave us a few moments to ourselves. I love the idea of asking your coordinator to politely intervene if anyone tries to interrupt your dinner. I would not recommend doing a private dinner away from your guests, as your guests have all traveled to your wedding specifically to be around you. If you want a private dinner, I would recommend a sweetheart table - it still gives you some time with just you and your new spouse, while still being around your guests!
    • Reply
  • Sabrina
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Hi Lisa!

    Thank you for taking the time to respond! That sounds like a great solution and a way to have us all meet in the middle.

    • Reply
  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yay glad to hear! 😄
    Our coordinator and the venue representative also did something for us I thought was super sweet: when my husband and I first arrived at the reception venue at the time of the cocktail hour, they came up, helped me with my veil and dress and then they said “Do you guys want 5 minutes to yourselves in the buffet room? We will make an appetizer plate for you, get you drinks, and close the door.” To this day it is my absolute favorite memory of our wedding! My husband and I took 5-10 minutes to ourselves while munching on food, talked and laughed about the ceremony, and had a breather. ☺️☺️
    • Reply
  • Sabrina
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    That sounds really nice. Yeah, I think we are definitely gonna take a breath for 5-10 minutes and enjoy some appetizers before or after photos and opt for a sweetheart table to have the touches of privacy.

    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I think that is the best solution!

    • Reply
  • Kylee
    Just Said Yes October 2024
    Kylee ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I love the idea of a private meal, I'm planning on doing the same thing. It's your day and it's important to do what makes you comfortable.
    • Reply
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I will say that guests will notice you not being there. We slipped away for near an hour to do sunset photos/ stuff with our videographer and EVERYONE noticed and was looking for us. You can do whatever you want but just be aware of this. No one bothered us while we were eating and our catering staff made sure we ate first. I loved spending as much time as possible with our guests. We did a first look/ some photos before the ceremony and spent cocktail hour with our guests (we were starving) and I loved mingling with everyone and getting photos with family and friends. I think 30 minutes is a lot. I would take 10-15 minutes to step aside if you’d like but then I’d go back with everyone else. You’ll have the rest of your lives to celebrate each other but your friends and family are coming together on this one day for you
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    It comes across as you not wanting to spend time with guests when you isolate. It’s commonly said that “the couple never gets 2 minutes to eat” but that is not true because they either make the effort to eat or they don’t. Rushing to eat to be able greet guests at tables doesn’t work out either because you don’t get enough food in your stomach to soak up alcohol that is consumed all evening. As far as guests during table visits, it’s awkward for them as well because it is not an ideal time to have your receiving line alternative as only half the tables are spoken to. Guests also feel like they are put on the spot to talk in the middle of eating as waiters in restaurants do.


    If you have a private meal, don’t have guests.
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Dedicated August 2025
    Emily ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I don’t know, honestly I feel like most people expect the bride and groom to dip out for a little bit for pictures so I don’t see anything wrong with it! They don’t need to know exactly what you’re doing, for all they know - while you’re having your private dinner they’ll think you’re still taking pictures. Maybe cut down the photo time so that you’re not gone too long? Many couples don’t even make an appearance during cocktail hour!
    Also, our venue offers a “hospitality suite” just off the cocktail hour space where there’s platters of food and a nice place to sit down away from guests. Maybe something like this would work for you guys?


    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated September 2023
    Anna ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Hi Sabrina!
    First off and unrelated you are absolutely stunning (saw your profile pic and thought “wow she’s beautiful!!”)
    Anyway lol I totally understand wanting a moment away to eat and soak up the time with your new spouse! My FH is also introverted and wanted to elope lol so I think I’ll also be trying to find some time to sneak away right after the ceremony.
    I agree with the above statements that the correct time to do this is during cocktail hour and not the reception dinner. It will make photo time a bit more crammed but if you are proactive about it (you mentioned doing some photos done beforehand, which is a great idea especially because you don’t want a first look - we don’t either, so I get that!!) then you can make 15 minutes happen before your reception entrance. Unfortunately I agree that 30 minutes will be harder to accomplish. Take that 15 minutes for yourself to have a drink, and get some of the apps your guests will be eating at cocktail hour! Then for the reception itself I agree that a sweetheart table is another good way to have that quality time while also eating a good meal.
    I don’t think people should be coming up and bothering you during dinner, but if they do, maybe make it a point to not stand up to greet them, as a way to discourage anyone else from getting the idea of coming up as well? You can of course still acknowledge them but maybe say something like “I’m in the middle of dinner / it’s a commitment to stand up and down in my dress (lol) / I’ll make it a point to give you a hug after dinner!”
    You had mentioned that there are out of town guests who can’t come to the reception? That seemed strange so I’m curious to know more. In general I’d recommend disappearing right after the ceremony so you don’t get stuck in a mob of people wanting to congratulate you - makes it so much harder to stick to your timeline!! But it may be different if you have a lot of people who will only be at the ceremony?
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Out of curiosity, why would you intentionally avoid guests wanting to talk to you and congratulate you? The timeline should be made with greeting guests in mind, and your coordinator and photographer who make them know that from years of experience. Don’t invite guests then. Many posts have mentioned that greeting guests during table visits only means you still only half or 1/3.


    It’s an equal faux pas to invite anyone to the ceremony only.
    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated September 2023
    Anna ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I’m all for talking to guests! I was just thinking if they walked up to the couple while everyone was actually eating dinner. I don’t know how much that happens but I wasn’t sure if it was something Sabrina was concerned about. To me, I feel like the couple is supposed to sit and eat their dinner, toasts can happen, first dance, etc, and then they go and mingle with everybody. Or the couple eats dinner, toasts happen, and then the couple goes out to mingle with the guests while the guests finish up eating, then do dances, etc. I don’t understand why guests would go up to the couple while they are eating (unless it’s been at least 30 minutes since dinner started).


    Did you mean when I mentioned not greeting guests immediately after the ceremony but going off to take pictures right away? I guess I thought that was one of the standard options, as I’ve heard a few people recommend it. If that’s rude I’d also want to know though! I’ve never been married so I’m still learning here haha

    I agree on inviting all guests to both the ceremony and reception. Was just asking that question because she mentioned “guests who can’t stay for the reception” and wasn’t sure if she had heard that this would be the case for a lot of guests. It seemed odd to me that a guest wouldn’t attend the reception (or at least if they do, that it would only be a very small number).
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    It would be like inviting everyone to your house for dinner, then eating in a different room. It will look odd, at least to some of the guests. Eating together is part of the celebration that you're hosting.

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Hi Anna! First of all, congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! As far as going immediately from the ceremony to photos (and guests to cocktail hour), yes, this is absolutely common! That is what every single couple has done at every single wedding I’ve been to for the past 6-7 years. I think it used to be a thing a long time ago to have a receiving line of sorts immediately after the ceremony, so the couple could acknowledge each guest. However, the last time I saw that done was when I was a small child. I think it has fallen out of favor because it was inconvenient (and a little bit rude) to make guests wait around forever. Not to mention, making a couple stand around that long. Plus, it cuts into cocktail hour mingling for guests and photo time for the couple. And speaking of photos, it also creates the possibility of sweating in your wedding dress (nothing like pit stains in your photos 😖), getting make up or self tanner on your dress from the female guests hugging you in the receiving line, and your hair and make up getting ruined from that many people hugging/kissing you! Ultimately, it is just better hosting (and safer for your photos) to greet your guests during or after the cocktail hour. Another thing I’ve seen done a lot lately, is couples doing a thank you toast before dinner, which allows them to think and express how meaningful everyone’s attendance is to them (just in case somebody has to leave early or they end up missing somebody throughout the evening).


    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

29 Christmas Ornaments for Your First Holiday as a Married Couple
Lifestyle 29 Christmas Ornaments for Your First Holiday as a Married... Whether you're shopping for yourself or a special couple, a "just married"...
5 Traditions to Build During Your First Year of Marriage
Married Life 5 Traditions to Build During Your First Year of Marriage After you're wed, it's time to start creating your own traditions. Here, a few...
First Time Attending a Wedding? Here’s What to Expect.
Wedding Guests First Time Attending a Wedding? Here’s What to Expect. If you’re attending your first wedding during this “wedding boom,” there are...
Read more articles
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics