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Elyse
Just Said Yes June 2024

Parents’ Friends Invited to Wedding

Elyse, on July 9, 2023 at 10:22 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12
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So my future husband and I have chosen a venue that is intimate because we don’t want to have a big wedding. It says online that it has capacity for 120, but after talking to the coordinator there, it’s really more like 90-100 that can fit comfortably and only 80-90 if we want to have a band.


My family alone adds up to about 55 people, and after adding my future husband’s family and our wedding party, we are already at over 90 people. We wanted to shoot to invite 120 people so we invited only our very closest friends (I invited 8 friends). There were many friends close to us we cut from the list. We made sure to leave a few spaces for each of our sets of parents and allotted 3 couples for each (6 total per side). This puts us at 128 for our invite count which is still more than we wanted. It feels like at the very edge of how many people we can invite without having a potential capacity issue given the 90-100 guest recommendation.
I explain all of this to my parents and they’re furious they don’t get to invite more friends. They said they absolutely cannot invite less than 9 friends to my wedding.
To also put this in perspective, my future husband and I are in our 30s. We are splitting the cost of the wedding 3 ways between us and both sets of parents.
I do understand wanting their friends there. However, I don’t want to sacrifice 3 of the very few friends I am inviting to accommodate their friends who I haven’t seen in years. I am also frustrated that they are angry at me instead of acknowledging that I had prioritized them being able to have friends there despite a very tight guest list. We also prioritized inviting all of my family which I also wish was appreciated. Im a little worried that if I cave on this that it will set a precedent. My mom can be very controlling.
Just wondering other people’s thoughts. Is it worth setting this boundary when it’s only 3 people? Is it fair for us to set a boundary on parents’ friends given how tight our guest list is? How have other people navigated this?
Thanks in advance.

12 Comments

Latest activity by CM, on November 28, 2023 at 7:29 AM
  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    The problem here is that your parents are paying for part of it. It's going to be hard to say "no" when they are funding it.

    I would decline their money and plan the event you want and can afford. The other option is to get a bigger venue if they are insisting on having their way.

    You're already over capacity, and does the capacity include your vendors? I would be extremely careful about your numbers and I can see your concern.

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  • Rhondayalex
    Dedicated September 2023
    Rhondayalex ·
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    When parents help fund your wedding, you become somewhat obligated to accommodate for their wishes. As much as you like your current venue, maybe you should reevaluate it. Obviously something will have to give in this scenario. Is there possibly another venue, equally as lovely, that can comfortably handle all your guests?


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  • Elyse
    Just Said Yes June 2024
    Elyse ·
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    We are all splitting the cost of the wedding equally so that everyone has a say and no one can bully anyone else. My family's portion of the event is already 60 people (not including my friends) due to my large family, with his parents (who are paying for an equal portion of the wedding) only inviting about 25 people. I just don't agree that because they are paying for a portion of it that they can invite whoever they want regardless of our budget and guest list restraints or who other people paying for it want to invite.

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  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    You are over capacity. The fire Marshal max is different than what is comfortable as a guest. It doesn't matter who is invited if everyone is stepping on each other. People will leave early and you will not get the party you were hoping. Tell your fam, you can add people but they will have to pay for a new deposit on a new venue.
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Are they using the money as leverage? Your parents are paying for part not all of a wedding, they don't have say over the guest list. Simply return their money and cut the extra 3 parent invitations on their side. Then they have nothing to hold over you.


    I told my family I'm not accepting any money that comes with strings attached.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Is the 120 person goal simply your preference? Or is that the max capacity your venue can hold?

    If it's your preferred amount of guests, I would just let your parents have the extra 3 people. To me, it wouldn't be worth the backlash and drama it would cause (which will also diminish some of the fun and excitement of planning for you). I would make it clear to them though, that these 3 additional people ARE IT - you will absolutely not be adding anyone else.

    If, however, you have already invited over your venue's capacity, I would simply explain that to them. They may not like it, but they will have to be understanding - after all, you cannot control the rules of the venue/fire marshal. If they continue to push, let them know the only way you can invite additional guests is if they are willing to pay for a larger venue to accommodate them.

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  • C
    CM ·
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    Your problem is that you should have finalized the guest list with all the co-hosts well before taking a venue. Even with your current list you are likely well over capacity. You can’t assume any number regrets for planning purposes, especially when you are already down to closest friends and family. Even with a fairly typical 15% decline rate you’re still well over capacity and you can forget the idea of a band.


    For the record, I don’t think allowing a table of friends each for your co-hosts was an unreasonable request but I also don’t think you should be in the position to cut your own friends. Regardless, I would take the numbers advice of the venue seriously. They have every incentive to maximize those numbers. It’s very true that you don’t want to be at full capacity.
    Unfortunately, the only real solution would be a new venue.
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  • K
    Super September 2023
    Kimberly ·
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    I agree that I would be more concerned about capacity here. You have to assume a 100% yes response on RSVPs until you hear otherwise. So as of right now, even with several declines, you’d still be over capacity. Move somewhere else and add the friends that you wanted as well as your parents’ extras, as long as you can afford it.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    It sounds like you ARE being bullied though. I get what you think should be the case, but it remains that what you wanted/thought isn't happening. They feel entitled to have those people there and are furious that it won't be possible.

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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    I think in this case it has to be a very firm no. I m sorry but we can not reduce the guest list by anymore and we are at capacity for the venue, then tell them unless there are any distant relatives they want to cut ( if you are ok with it) no more people will be added to the list. Best of luck to you.

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  • B
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Barbara ·
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    This is so tricky, I am going through a similar thing. I have thought about giving in a bit and just letting them invite their 2-3 guests, but when I think about the fact that I've left some of my own friends out just so we can stay within budget/capacity, it really infuriates me and makes me feel like I am being manipulated.

    I know it's horrible to bring tension into your close family relations, especially over such a beautiful occasion, but I suggest you calmly speak to your parents and explain to them that your wedding isn't a social event for them. I'd also remind them that they won't be alone surrounded by your young friends, they will have a lot of family there.

    I really don't understand and wasn't expecting my parents to take some of my decision so personally, but I can see now that this just happens....

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  • C
    CM ·
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    It happens because in their own day and experience parents generally hosted weddings and even when they didn’t were typically given a certain number of their own invitations as a courtesy. Not only was a traditional wedding in honor of the couple, it was typically a social event that brought two families as well as the closest friends of the family together to celebrate.


    Again, if everyone is co-hosting or contributing as in this case the appropriate thing to do would have been to discuss the guest list before ever taking a venue. If a couple wants no strings attached and an unconditional gift of funds either they need to have a like minded family or they shouldn’t be accepting the help.
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