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Not inviting father’s mistress

Brianne, on June 5, 2021 at 8:59 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 28
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I’m not the bride but the sister in law. She is in a difficult situation and we could use an outside perspective. My father in law (brides father) had an affair and divorced my mother in law after 35 years of marriage. My husband has completely cut off all contact with his dad and we have not spoken to him in 8 months. My sister in law tried her hardest to keep a relationship with him but he has been very hostile and difficult to get along with. Her problem is that he has money put aside for her wedding and she has made the decision to pay for her wedding herself because if she took money from him she would be obligated to allow the mistress to attend the wedding. She’s not even sure at this point if she wants her father there. My husband will be walking her down the aisle instead. Are we being unreasonable by saying the mistress is not welcome at the wedding. We have refused to meet her and my mother in law is still very hurt and we don’t want problems at my sister in laws big day.

28 Comments

Latest activity by CM, on February 9, 2024 at 4:32 PM
  • C
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    First, good on you for being so supportive of future SIL this sounds like a super sucky situation. I think you’re all right. She’s already decided not to use his money, so she really can do what she pleases. I say don’t invite the mistress and *hopefully* dad still comes. Big ups to you and your husband for all the support.
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  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
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    I think some would tell you that they’re a social unit so you should invite her. BUT I would disagree. I think it’s completely reasonable to not invite her, especially since it is all still so fresh. I think inviting her would be a distraction and could creat unnecessary drama.
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  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
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    I just wouldn’t invite either of them if the dad isn’t even trying to be nice to his children.
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    While I understand he is her father, I don't think I'd invite either one since you described him as being very hostile and difficult to get along with.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    If he's being hostile toward his daughter who's simply trying to keep a relationship with him after the decisions he made, she shouldn't invite either of them. He's clearly decided that (for now, at least) his children are not a priority. Your future SIL doesn't need anyone at her wedding that isn't 100% supportive of her and has a good strong relationship with her.

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  • R
    Savvy June 2022
    Rebecca ·
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    I probably wouldn't invite either of them. But I think in this case if your SIL wants to have her father there, it would be okay for her to request the mistress not turn up.

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  • B
    Brianne ·
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    At this point I don’t think he will be invited. He’s just been burning all of his bridges with his family. But she is definitely conflicted. They used to be so close.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    It sounds like not inviting either of them and cutting off contact is best. Especially if he is hostile/toxic. No bride or groom needs someone hating them on the wedding day. Bringing a mistress to a wedding is disrespectful to everyone.
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  • L
    Lisa ·
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    A wedding is union between two people who vow, among other things, trust and fidelity. Your father in law does not respect either of those and is hostile.
    You are 100% justified in setting and maintaining boundaries, especially on this day. Your father in law made his choices and now is facing the consequences. If he wants to mend the relationship, pick another day. IMO he doesn’t deserve a seat at any wedding.
    Is he trying to use his money to get a seat for him and his mistress? Yuk.
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  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
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    You really need to leave it up to your sister-in-law as it's her and her FH's wedding and her father. I think your intentions are good but this feels icky to me: "Are we being unreasonable by saying the mistress is not welcome at the wedding. We have refused to meet her and my mother in law is still very hurt and we don’t want problems at my sister in laws big day." There's no "we", it's the bride and groom. *You* don't get any say in who's welcome and who's not.

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  • J
    Judith ·
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    Does he have a right to a future, now that he is divorced? Do you know that he was not already unhappy for 3-5years or longer, before the separation and divorce?
    Once the divorçe is over, and this much time has gone by, however sympathetic you feel for your mom, is it fair to punish him? Keep him from going on? This is his new SO. She may be around for 4 years, or 20. Can't you be civil and treat her as the unknown so or spouse of someone you know? No one is expecting you to call her mom. Just smile and nod a couple times. 😲
    How many brides on this forum areTogether with someone after a previous marriage or long term living with one other person?
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  • B
    Brianne ·
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    The only reason I’m asking is because she asked me to post this and ask. It has been her decision to exclude them and not mine. She just wanted some outside opinions.
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  • B
    Brianne ·
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    If it was only the divorce then we wouldn’t have an issue. He had a right to file for divorce but the way he went about it has been the problem. He’s been making things impossible for my mother in law and basically threw her out on the street and has been very verbally abusive to her and my sister in law. He moved his mistress into the house before the ink was dry on the divorce papers and my sister in law is not comfortable with having her at the wedding and right now she has told him she can’t have him either because of how he has been treating the family. My husband has completely cut ties with his dad and he is no longer allowed to see our children because of how he’s been acting. He’s welcome to whatever life he wants. We just won’t be a part of it.
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  • J
    Dedicated June 2021
    Jessica ·
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    I think you're right to go with your gut and exclude FIL and Mistress-in-Law. If they put up a fight, simply have the bride say "I understand you're upset, but we would like to be supported by friends and family that support the sanctity of a marital union. Your and Mistress-in-Law's actions are clearly to the contrary and as such, there is no place for you at our wedding."

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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting the mistress there, and your SIL is exactly right in paying for the wedding and not accepting money from her estranged father.

    I don't think the bride and her future husband would be at all inappropriate for not inviting the mistress and not including the father either if he has been hostile and toxic.

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  • Kaylee
    Devoted June 2026
    Kaylee ·
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    If your sister isn’t comfortable with them being there, don’t invite them. And it is okay to invite him and not his mistress. Do what feels right.
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  • J
    Judith ·
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    So anyone divorced because of an affair and not remarried or whom you know had affairs, has not proper respect for the institution of marriage and won't be invited?


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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Look, the bride has every right to now want this person at her wedding. People are human, we have feelings, we suffer pain at the actions others do.
    The bride saw her mom tossed onto the street and this other woman installed in the home - that’s something that is going to effect the family for a long time, if not forever. Dad knows this. He knows he handled it badly and actions have consequences.
    The bride wands a lovely day without drama. I bet a million bucks that no one in their social circle will think the bride is rude for not having the other woman there. They all know the situation, and if she were to attend, it would all be buzzing with salacious gossip. Let the bride, and mother, have one beautiful day where they don’t have to think about the damage to the family.
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  • Maddie
    Expert February 2022
    Maddie ·
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    God that's just awful. That's such a heartbreaking place to be as your SIL, especially if they had a really close relationship before. Good on her for not taking the money, and honestly, I wouldn't invite the mistress OR him, ESPECIALLY if he has a tendency to be hostile. I hope she makes peace with whatever decision she makes and still enjoys her day.

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  • Emily
    Savvy August 2021
    Emily ·
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    Does her dad even want to attend? Sounds like he would be perfectly OK with not attending. Doesn't seem like this is about the mistress, this is about how he has been treating his children. You can make decisions regarding your marriage and still be loving, kind, and accessible to your children. I have made poor decisions in life that seemed "right" at the time but my kids were always loved and cared for. Hugs for your family. This seems like a difficult situation.

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