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Juliepappas_
Just Said Yes March 2023

Need Advice! Is it rude to back out of a bachelorette party?

Juliepappas_, on May 20, 2022 at 10:38 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 23
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Hey all! Appreciate any advice here as it’s a decision that is weighing heavy on me.


One of my best friends is having an international wedding in July. And she is also having a bachelorette party mid June to Scottsdale and there’s only about 7 of us going. I’m torn because i just moved down to Florida with my husband and our 6 month old- we’ve been building a home since January 2021 and have been hit with delay after delay. We finally got our closing date which happens to be the same week as her bachelorette party. It doesn’t feel right to me that I’d be leaving my husband with our baby during a huge move (and also the most exciting time in our lives) also want to add that we only have about 2 1/2 weeks in the new house and then we are heading back to NY for over a month to see friends/family and then flying out from there for the wedding. So we really want to spend as much time as we can in the new house.
I wouldn’t be asking for my money back and i don’t want to screw anybody over. I just feel terrible because i also couldn’t make it to the bridal shower. Help!

23 Comments

Latest activity by Haleyjoy, on May 23, 2022 at 3:40 PM
  • Wheng
    Beginner February 2022
    Wheng ·
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    I don’t think it’s rude. I understand you feel terrible. Sometimes, things just don’t go the way they are planned. You know your best friend. Just communicate to her. The most important part is you’re planning to attend her wedding. By the way, congratulations on the new home. That’s very exciting!

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  • Jm Sunshine
    Jm Sunshine ·
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    I think the fact that you will be traveling internationally for the wedding and willing to pay for having to cancel bachelorette (for very legit reasons btw) is more than generous .


    On a side note, I will never understand why brides who have destination weddings also have destination bachelorettes.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Yeah, the destination wedding and the destination bachelorette is a bit much, and honestly if people can't make it then it should be understood. You're very gracious to follow through on the financial part of it. Good luck with your new home!

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Total agree. You’re being more than generous. Congrats on your baby & new home too!
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  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
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    I think you have the perfect excuse to back out. I don’t agree with backing out when something better comes up, but a new house is a big deal. I think she would understand that you can’t leave your husband to make the move and care for your baby. Congratulations on your new home!
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    If your closing date falls on the same week as the party, you might have to be in town to sign papers to finalize escrow. We were able to do most of our documents virtually, but the very last ones were in person. You'll also need to make sure your husband can access the funds for the final payment, if you have separate accounts.


    I would explain to the bride that you have to be in town for escrow purposes, rather than phrasing it as wanting to maximize time in your new home.
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  • Gloria
    Devoted May 2023
    Gloria ·
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    I will never understand why brides or grooms have two destination events either.


    We had a couple of different things that we had to deal with the week leading up to our closing so having experienced that and the fact that you have a baby I would say that it’s not rude at all to back out of the bach party. You financially contributed which was more than generous. Congrats on the baby and enjoy your new house!
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  • L
    Just Said Yes April 2023
    Lori ·
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    You should go. Take time for yourself, and keep those relationships with your friends. Just cuz you’re a mom and a wife doesn’t mean you can’t have your own life and identity outside those responsibilities. Closing on a house can be done online. I don’t think you should back out. You need friends.
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  • Mandi
    Dedicated July 2022
    Mandi ·
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    As a bride I have learned that people have lives. This is a big thing for you going on and you definitely have a lot happening. Just be upfront and talk about it. We all build up in our minds scenarios when it could just be really easy. Just tell her. If anything like my friend going through something I’m just happy for her she will be missing out but I’d rather be happy for people with an understanding of communication than be in my head thinking she keeps bailing. Just speak and be done. A real friend understands.
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  • PermaGrin
    Devoted June 2022
    PermaGrin ·
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    Echoing others - this is a very valid reason. Also the week I closed (a few weeks into the COVID shutdowns) I got so many last minute document requests and signatures needed. I think you are smart to stay local if needed for the closing and then ENJOY it a bit - it has been years in the making!

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  • buddyandbebes
    Dedicated August 2023
    buddyandbebes ·
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    Keeping the financial end to it helps a lot. I recently went to a couple bachelorettes where people backed out resulting in us literally Venmoing 3 more times to make up for the cost which then resulted in more people backing out. You have a perfectly good reason to not be able to attend. Also congrats!
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  • Gloria
    Devoted May 2023
    Gloria ·
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    Sometimes it can’t all be completed online.
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  • Gloria
    Devoted May 2023
    Gloria ·
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    You will be attending the wedding which is the important event and what’s important in your friendship. Don’t feel guilty about not attending an optional party.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Don’t feel bad. Life happens. But they need to pick whether they have a destination wedding or a destination bachelorette. Both are difficult on their own but asking for both is way too much unless everyone invited has unlimited disposable cash and PTO. Cancel if you need to. If they don’t understand and get hostile, that is on them.
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  • Melissa
    Dedicated October 2023
    Melissa ·
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    It sounds to me that you have a legit reason not being able to attend. Don't feel bad because you can't attend. I'm sure it will all be okay. You can't control what happens in your life things happen for a reason. Good luck.

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  • M
    Savvy November 2022
    Mackenzie ·
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    I feel like it’s pretty late to back out at this point - if it’s less than a month away that’s a little rude. Yes you have a lot going on but if these things had all been put in motion months ago/ maybe a year ago and you committed you should do your best to honor that commitment. On the other hand I think having two destinations can be a bit hairy. Although, like I said if you committed months ago and knew you were going to have all these things going on around at this time you should’ve not committed back then.
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  • L
    Just Said Yes April 2023
    Lori ·
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    Talk to the people who are doing the paperwork (your realtor or your mortgage company) and explain your situation. They’ll work with you. You can delay it by a few days to make time for something as important as this likely is to your friend. But if it’s truly not the right thing for you, just be honest with yourself about it.
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  • Gloria
    Devoted May 2023
    Gloria ·
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    The OP stated that they have faced delay after delay in closing on their new house so she did not commit to attending the party knowing that she very likely would have a scheduling conflict.
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  • E
    Devoted February 2023
    Elycia ·
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    I think sometimes it just happens that way for bridal party. Everything happening for my wedding is destination for all my bridesmaids because we all live in completely different states. The closest one is an 8 hour drive. Even for my family having my wedding in our city is "destination" at a 2.5 hour drive. It really does suck and I do have concern about the amount of money spent by everyone, but there isn't even a central location to make it easier. Sometimes it's just unavoidable.

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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Delaying closing is not advisable, esp in this housing market. The interest rate may go up (don't know if OP locked it in), the seller may charge a penalty for each delayed day (I've seen counters with such conditions), you'll want to be there for the final walkthrough, the deal may fall through, etc. As my husband says, being in escrow is like having a full time job. And the current market is an insane seller's market. Even during normal times, real estate is no joke.


    Backing out of any commitment so late is rude, but in this case, given that the OP is covering her costs, this is the bride's second destination event, the bride also had a bridal shower on top of this, the event is an optional secondary party, and OP has a very real other commitment, her backing out is justifiable
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