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Just Said Yes September 2024

My sister can’t come to my wedding

Jen, on March 16, 2024 at 12:05 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17
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So my FH finally decided he wants to get married - he’s the kind of guy who just never saw the point in it. We’ve been together for almost 10 years and I’m beyond excited… and he’s getting pretty excited going through the planning process. This month, we got an awesome opportunity to have our wedding at my dream venue… at the end of September of this year! I was thinking maybe that’s too short of a notice, but if I get Save the Dates out by the end of this month, that gives everyone 6 months notice. I talked to my mom and close friends before paying the deposit and finalizing the date.


Today my mom tells me that she forgot that she will have my sister’s kids that weekend and my sister will be out of town. My sister and I aren’t overly close, so I hadn’t talked to her before finalizing the date, but I just always assumed she’d be there. It’s not that we don’t get along, we just live 8 hours apart and have never had a close relationship.
So the question…. My sister is going to a weekend concert festival. Has already bought her tickets and secured a hotel so she said she can’t change her plans. If the situation was reversed I can tell you I would sell my concert tickets and cancel the hotel, but that’s me and I can’t expect her to change he her plans. So do I push our date out a year so she can be there, or continue without her?

17 Comments

Latest activity by Rosebud, on March 22, 2024 at 6:56 AM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Is it more important for you to have your sister there or for you to get married in September at this venue? Neither is wrong. But you just need to answer that for yourself.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I don't think you owe it to anyone to change your date around their schedule. As Hannah says, you can decide for yourself where your priorities are.

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  • A
    Amy ·
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    If you didn't bother to check with her on the date before booking the venue, I would guess it wasn't that important to you that she was able to attend.

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  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Jen ·
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    That’s a little harsh…. We aren’t overly close, but she is still my sister. I did talk to my mother before deciding on a date and I guess she forgot about my sisters plans.
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  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Jen ·
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    I guess the hard part is that while I can’t expect her to change her concert plans, I would change mine if the roles were reversed.
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  • A
    Amy ·
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    How is it harsh? You picked a date and booked a venue, only checking with your mother and close friends.

    My mother can't even remember what she is doing tomorrow, so there would have been no way for her to remember my sister's plans.

    You are complaining that she can't come to your wedding, but you didn't even tell her when it was going to be.

    Not everyone will react in the way that you hope they will. It doesn't sound like your sister will sell her tickets to come to your wedding.

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  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Jen ·
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    My mother is watching my sisters kids… so yeah, I guess I expected her to remember.
    I wasn’t complaining that she couldn’t come. I was looking for advice from outside parties that don’t know my family. That was my fault for throwing it out there.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Yeah, I get that, and you can feel some type of way about it. Some people just don't see weddings as a crucial thing to attend. You can't really apply what you would do to her situation because you're different people. To her, the festival that she's been planning for months is the priority. What I'm hoping is that this won't put a damper on your planning.

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  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Jen ·
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    I appreciate that. Sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective!
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Yes it does! I hope your planning goes well!

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  • C
    CM ·
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    All I can tell you is that in your place I’d apologize to your sister and say you screwed up, feel terrible, and should have asked her directly. I’d tell her you want her there and that you will reimburse her for the expense if the hotel is nonrefundable and the tickets can’t be sold. YMMV.


    In her place it would be a no brainer. I would try to cancel the room and sell the tickets. Maybe she’d be more inclined to make the effort if you met her half way.
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  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Jen ·
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    This is a great suggestion! I did apologize and suggested changing the date so she could be there, but she told me not to. I do know the festival is sold out so she’d have no issue selling the tickets, and hotel rooms are in high demand for that event, but good idea about offering to pay the cancellation fees!


    I love my sister and absolutely want her there, but it just never crossed my mind to ask her separate from my mom about the date because if they take a vacation, it’s usually a big family one that we all go on too, or my mom has their kids so she would know (and she did, but forgot).
    Honestly though, I don’t see her changing her plans even with the offer of reimbursing her, but I’m definitely going to try!
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  • C
    CM ·
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    I’m glad if the suggestion helps. In any case, I hope she changes her mind.
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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    I would pick another venue that has a date available this year that would work for everyone if you really want your sister to attend, which it seems like you do.

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  • Jess
    Beginner November 2024
    Jess ·
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    If you do truly want her there, I would move the date. It wouldn't be fair to expect her to change her plans around for you, regardless of what you personally would do if the situation were reversed.


    Even if you offer to pay for the tickets for her, there are two outcomes: 1. She declines, and you feel even worse. 2. She feels obligated to accept. Both which would put a damper on your relationship.
    For me personally, I would probably change my plans for my sister's wedding. However, for me personally, my sister and I are close enough that she would have checked the date with me first, so it wouldn't have been relevant. The two feel correlated to me.
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    If you don't change your plans, and keep the date and venue as is, can your mother make it to the wedding if she has your sister's kids? I assume so, since you didn't mention it, but just curious.

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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Sorry this happened to you, in hindsight you should have checked in with her instead of relying on your mom to remember other people's plans. How is your sister feeling about the whole thing, is she hurt you didn't give her a heads up first? It's easy to say if the roles were reverse you d cancel but if it actually happened you might not be able to that easily. There may be other people cancelling would impact too. Give your sister ( and yourself) some extra grace. If you want to keep the venue on that date I d just say I m sorry I didn't check with you first we d really love for you to be there but understand if you can't and leave if at that. Any chance you can move the date a little further out, you said yourself it's short notice for everyone. Congrats on the upcoming wedding. Happy planning! 💜
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