My College Bestie is trying to decline being a bridesmaid.. i was her moh

She definitely did ask a lot of her bridal party, however, you had as much right to decline as she did. I don't think there's much you can do here. Being in someone's bridal party isn't a "favor" that needs to be returned, it's not a tit for tat situation. She's allowed to tell you no.

I'm so sorry she is doing that! I think the best decision would to be to move forward with bridesmaids (even if you don't pick them right away) that are ready to support you and commit to being in the bridal party. You don't have to write off your friendship with her yet, but don't make a huge effort to ask her again about being in your bridal party. Don't stress about it, wedding planning is stressful enough & you will enjoy it with your other friends!

For one thing, it's ridiculous the amount of money she asked you to spend for her wedding. On the other hand, I never would've been willing to spend 5k for someone else's wedding regardless of my relationship to them.

It sounds like she's at a different place in life and is trying to respectfully decline your offer because she knows she either doesn't have the time or the funds. That's all she can do, I don't think that's wrong of her. I'm sure she knows how much you spent as part of her bridal party and she's probably thinking that there's no way she can do that while she's trying to start a family. Be thankful that she's being this upfront and honest now rather than accepting your offer and dropping out a month before the wedding.

Do you want her in your wedding because she's your friend or because you feel like she owes it to you because of how much you spent on hers? It sounds like the latter to me, I would respect her decision even if it isn't what you hoped for and tell her you'll be happy to have her attend as just a guest if that's what's comfortable for her.

I think it sucks that she asked that of you and it’s nice that you chose to do it. But I don’t think that means she owes you. Plus if your wedding is in July she could hypothetically be 8-9 months pregnant by then and I think it’s better that she’s honest with you now than makes a commitment and bails on you later.

That's very upsetting, I completely get that. I would just move on (I know easier said than done) and soak up all the planning and bridal stuff. You only do this once and I definitely wouldn't let this ruin it. Ask another close friend of yours to be MOH and if she comes around, she can of course still be in the wedding. We honestly don't know what others are going through and I've learned that it's best to be humble and kind Maybe she's having a hard time right now and doesn't want to burden you with her issues? I'd be frustrated but try to gracefully support her and move on. Best of luck on your planning!!

I think you both need to talk. Tell her how you feel instead of bottling up your emotions. You don't have to bring up all you've done for her because like some one before me stated its not tit for tat but just let her know that you were really looking forward to her being apart of your bridal party and you would really appreciate a direct yes or no so you can get the ball rolling.

I agree with PP, that you should probably move on from her as a BM and what you did for her doesn't need to be reciprocated (though obviously would be nice if it was), but I think once you've calmed down a bit it would be okay with you to have a conversation that it hurt your feelings about it. I wouldn't necessarily talk about everything you did for her, but something like, "I know you are planning to get pregnant and I understand that is huge step/commitment, but I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little hurt that you didn't want to be a part of my special day." Then you can see what she says. If it's bothering you this much and she is someone who you are very close with, I think you should share your feelings so it doesn't turn into animosity that you hold on for the rest of your lives. Don't attack her, but I think you have very right to just share your disappointment.

So I kind of get where your friend is coming from. My husband and I are currently trying to conceive, every time someone brings up possible future plans my mind IMMEDIATELY goes to "well I might be pregnant I don't know what that will be like and how I will feel or what I can do" but I don't say that, instead I just say "maybe". When you really really want to have a baby, it starts to become the only thing you think about. To be honest if one of my very best friends got engaged and asked me to be in their wedding in July I probably wouldn't know what to say... if I get a positive test soon I'd be due in July.. but if it's negative then idk when I'd end up getting pregnant. I would absolutely say yes to the honorary bridesmaid title though if it was offered. I'd want to be able to be there for my friend in some way.

Keep in mind that your friend might be struggling to get pregnant which can be very depressing and maybe that's why she isn't really jumping for joy at the fact that you're willing to allow her to be a honorary bridesmaid and being there for you the way most people would want to be for a good friend. So I'd check up on her just as a friend a few times without bringing up the fact that you need a decision. Maybe ask again in December.

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Thanks! At this point I have no expectation of her being one. But it really does hurt like a knife. Would you take back the invite? I am thinking it would hurt my feelings less if I turn her down before she turns down me.

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I'm sorry it hurts! I wouldn't take back her invite. I just wouldn't talk to her about the wedding or wedding party, and send her an invite like a normal guest. If she reaches out about being in the bridal party, you can go from there, but to avoid more pain/awkwardness, I'd just act like she is a normal guest.

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I think pp Brittany brings up an excellent point. It took us 8 years to have our "miracle baby." Especially earlier on in the process, I saw every future date as, "Maybe? But, I MIGHT be 8 months pregnant then...", but of course didn't want to say that. I remember getting an STD for dear friends' wedding on the opposite coast from where we were living. Husband's immediate response to the friends was "we'll be there," while my heart was quietly crying, "but WE WANT TO BE SUPER PREGNANT BY THEN!!!!!" From my perspective, you spent SO MUCH and were a SUPER BM for your friend, and I completely understand some expectation that she would prioritize your wedding in a similar way. If she can't, it completely makes sense that you feel sad/disappointed about it. However, as others have said, no matter how much we love our friends, sometimes we're just in different places at different times. If you're okay with an "uneven" wedding party, I'd just let it ride till she makes up her mind/knows her pregnancy status. Otherwise, if you REALLY need closure, you can tell her you understand her uncertainty and will be happy if they can attend as guests.

I'm so so this is happening. My husband and I are trying for a baby and his best man is getting married next year across the country, but just because we are trying for a baby doesn't mean he won't be in the wedding. I would be very upset too if someone who is one of my best friends couldn't be in my wedding because she might be pregnant. It sadly sounds like she just doesn't want to be a bridesmaid so I would move on without her.

If she is this “crickety” now she will be for any wedding related things later.

I know it’s hard, and it sucks, but just because you were in Her wedding doesn’t mean she has to be in yours. Nor does it mean that she is any less a friend. It simply means she has her own agenda and priorities and, knowing what she made her bridesmaids do, she might not feel she has the “proper” amount of time, e edgy, attention and money to dedicate to being in your wedding- a destination one for her....

Send her the invite and find someone who wants to be there and in the wedding to take the spot you’d held/offered for her.

You spent money on her, your gift to her, and that was your decision. And you spent a huge amount, more than most would. But she is under no obligation to do the same for you. In a perfect world, she would. In this real one, now that she has moved on to being concerned about her and her husband's family, and future babies, she likely sees her time and money better spent there. Even with great insurance, most new parents spend $6,000-12,000 in the first year, from about 6 months pregnant till the baby is nine months. Little medical copays, supplies, sitters or day care, child seats, you name it. That is in addition to all usual living expenses. And does not include any loss of pay for unpaid maternity leave. For several months she may have as much as 1 Dr. Visit and one for tests, or preventive care, each month. And prepping a space and such for a baby, planning out child care, learning what to do if not someone who has cared for Infants before ( parenting classes, Lamaze or LaLeche sessions). Many parents to be spending d as much time and money as when planning a wedding.
She likely does not want to make a commitment she cannot keep, much as she wants to return the favor. It is not just about ability to travel. Some people come all prepared to child bearing and rearing. Knowing everything necessary, from a big family or many years of childcare. With an extra 20-30K money in the bank. And enough seniority at work to have a month vacation time, and fully paid maternity leave. But most, don't. And when she gets to a point where pregnancy adds 7-10 hours to her weekly schedule, and money is flying out the window, and looks to after the birth, maybe just before your wedding, when she may nurse every 4 hours with a baby who will also take a bottle from a sitter...it will she get the baby that nurses a full half hour out of every 2, 20 hours a day? ... What your friend might like to do for you may not be possible for her now. Not in time, not in money, not in travel . . . . Meanwhile, whoever you do ask, understand that most bpeople do not travel long distances for showers or bachelorettes. You were an exception. And most bachelorette parties, if they happen at all, are one afternoon of one evening, not traveling for a few days, but local, with only local participants. Expect that most anyone you ask will expect to spend $300-$500 maximum including their hair and dress, any contributions to parties, or travel. And as bridal showers and bach parties may be done by any close friend or family, realize that whoever you have in your BP may do them, or may not choose to volunteer. And may only come to things that are 2 hours drive by car. You did a lot and spent a fortune. Neither this friend or most others will, and you need to go I to your planning knowing this, or you will be constantly disappointed when no one lives up to your expectations.

I can understand why you feel frustrated and hurt by this, however, if she feels she can't do it then you do need to respect that decision. i say, create your bridal party without her, if by chance you speak to her and she says yes she would like to be a part of it, and you still want her in your party, by all means add her in. maybe her and her husband are having difficulties with getting pregnant. you don't really know what's going behind closed doors that could be causing her to decline you invitation.

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This is great advice! I'm so sorry this is happening! Enjoy planning with friends and family who really want to be by your side the day of!

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I agree with Amber. While I can understand the frustration, it was your decision to spend that for her wedding. She certainly doesn’t “owe” it to you. It would be nice, of course, but that’s the reality of it. Two years makes a big difference, look at where you both are now compared to then. Lives change, priorities change. She is being complete upfront with you, rather than making false promises. I would still extend the invite, and when you’ve had time to calm a bit, have an honest conversation with her. It’s much better to clear the air then resent her and potentially lose the friendship. As others have said, you don’t know what they are dealing with themselves, so even though it’s obviously very disappointing, I think you need to move on and plan without her. She’s actually doing you a solid by declining now, and not dropping the ball later on.

My guess is that they are really struggling to get pregnant if that is her response. It can be a financial burden and an extremely emotional time. Many women are told not to stress. J would not jump to the conclusion that she is being selfish. It is really just an extremely sensitive time.

Well, I guess I disagree with absolutely everyone on here. Why should the friend who got married first get all of the support of the single friend and then because she is pregnant not be available for the friend who did so much? It’s ridiculous. I find it selfish for her to decline. Many many people are pregnant and in wedding parties at the same time!!!! Geesh.

View Quoted Comment Hi sunny! Thanks for the support!! It feels like ages since I wrote this looking for advice. You are 1000% correct and gave the correct advice. Our wedding ended up being postponed because of COVID by 10 months so I gave her another casual invite. “Hey if you changed your mind, I would love to have you in the wedding, but no pressure!” She basically ignored and avoided me. Then she ended up CANCELING her rsvp to the wedding 💒 one month out!! Worst of all BY TEXT!!!! Said her boss wouldn’t give her the PTO and didn’t allow her to leave the state bc of COVID. Our wedding was May 2021.. totally made up excuse. She didn’t even have the balls to call me and break the news. Because of this another close friend also backed out who was going to stay with her. Anyways you were spot on with your response, it was very telling and showed her true colors. I get you become more selfish when you have a baby, I have my own now but literally no excuse for how she acted, texting me her last minute decline and didn’t even send an apology “ let me make it up to you… or even a wedding gift.” That other good friend basically confessed to me last month that my ex best friend had no intention of actually attending my wedding and convinced the other friend not to go. She’s dead to me.. I pray she finds God 🙏🏻