Mother-in-law

No, you’re not wrong. Next time she mentions going out to dinner, say something like “we’d love to, but finances are a little tight with the baby arriving soon.” Hopefully that will the enough of a hint. You could also go out to dinner and when the server asks about the checks, tell them that you and your spouse are on one check and she’s separate.

It would be really nice for your MIL to offer you some help, or to share some of the costs of her visit with you but this is something that is voluntary and there generally isn’t an expectation that guests do either of those, even though it is really nice when they do.

In my own family, my parents will not let me and my fiancé pay for a single thing. If we go out to dinner with them, regardless of who invites who, they will not let us pay. Just the same, if my mum buys me the odd grocery (i.e. a product she knows I like is on sale and she grabs it for me), she won’t let me pay her back. Even when I plead with them, they won’t let us pay. My fiance’s parents on the other hand are more than happy for us to pay for things (although we do share costs, i.e. if we pay for lunch they will pay for dinner). In your case, it sounds like your MIL is used to a different norm to what you are used to.

View Quoted Comment I wholeheartedly agree with this. You also need to be on the same page as your SO- you don’t want something awkward where she goes to him to get another answer, or he tells a waiter to the contrary.
Maybe ask her to run an errand to the grocery store too? Could she maybe pick up pre-made meal components at least?

View Quoted Comment I guess we have very different views. I would never go to her house and expect her to cook without offering to help or go out to dinner with her and not offer to cover my portion. That's like a few weeks ago she was bragging to my mom, grandmother and I about going out with friends and that she picked the most expensive item on the menu because her friends paid for her meal. The three of us just kinda looked at each other because we would never think to do something like that. I've also heard how her sister, brother-in-law and her go out to dinner every Friday and they always pay yet she also brags about how she has so much extra money now that she doesn't own a house anymore so it's shocking to me that she wouldn't offer to help pay for her own meals.

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Oh I agree completely that she should be offering to help out or help pay, but in saying this, I have been brought up in an environment where parents do help out and cover expenses. My point entirely is, if she is staying at yours as a guest, then there is no automatic presumption she will do these things. however, she may not feel any need to do either (whether it be as your guest or MIL) by reason of her having a different outlook altogether.

She may also feel uncomfortable about asserting herself at your house so maybe you can invite her to help out. Help prepare the meal (or set the table), perhaps pick up a few groceries if she’s staying the weekend. It may help for your fiancé to do this. And honestly, with the baby coming maybe your fiancé can set some boundaries saying you need more rest, can she come visit the end of the month (instead of this weekend), for example.

Someone that visits that often shouldn’t expect the royal treatment. Especially from a pregnant woman.
This is going to eat at you until you explode.
She sounds like she lacks standard manners, so any gentle hinting won’t work. Your husband is going to have to talk to her. If he won’t, you’re going to have a tough time of it when the baby comes. He has to help you out here.

You’re definitely not wrong in how you feel. Have you talked to your husband about this? I don’t think it’s wrong of you to say something next time, but I’d make sure the two of you are going to be on the same page before his mom decides you’re the bad guy for bringing up money. If you’re on the same page, have him discuss this with his mom.

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Caytlyn and Victoria have brilliant suggestions on this!! Wishing you luck, Veronica!

It sounds like you and your husband have some work to do around setting and maintaining boundaries with his mother. This is about so much more than dinner. Laying a good foundation now will set you up well for the next phase of your lives: raising a kid.

It doesn't really matter that your MIL doesn't do things the way you expect based on how you were raised/your values. What matters is how you want to structure your lives and family time. As long as you and your husband are on the same page and he communicates clearly (no hinting or meaningful looks!) to his mom, then you are on the right track (i.e., setting boundaries).

Now, she may not agree and/or she may not conform, but that's where maintaining boundaries comes into play. At that point you enforce appropriate consequences, knowing that you have been fair and consistent.

Hi Veronica:

Your husband should sit her down ASAP and the 2 of you need to be a united front.

Setting and maintaining boundaries with his mother is important or things will get worse, pregnant or not. It sounds like she always invites herself to your home: do you really accept that? Does your husband accept that?

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So this. I totally see where you're coming from—although in my world, if you travel four hours to see me, I'm not going to let you help cook/clean and I'm going to treat you to meals because traveling is a bear. But in this case, it seems like she's coming often and uninvited, so that's when it's time for boundary setting to come in.

MIL: Hey, I'm coming to visit this weekend.
DH: That doesn't work for us. We'd love to host you XYZ date.
MIL: But why? I want to see you.
DH: We miss you too, but this weekend does not work. Hey, <change subject>.

And maybe if she visits less often, you'll feel less badly about paying for meals, etc. But if not, and you'd really prefer not to pay for her or take turns more often, just say so! It's not rude to set boundaries, especially when they're discussed in a non-aggressive, but matter of fact manner.

You will be very, very glad you practiced setting boundaries before her granddaughter is born!