Marriage Counseling

I'm so sorry you feel that way! I don't think any big decisions need to be made until he goes into counseling alone and you both go separate. I assume living with parents isn't helping stress or your relationship at all? I could be wrong, that's just from experience of our friends that had to live with their parents. I would wait until you guys go through several counseling sessions to see if you can make things work. I also think financial planning seminars or meeting with a financial planner is a good idea, so you both can get a hold of finances and come up with a plan.

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I don’t know ur situation but would proceed cautiously but optimistically. Hopefully things will change, at least it seems like he has heard you.

If he made an appointment for individual counseling, does that counselor even specialize in marriage counseling? I don’t think I’d feel comfortable seeing his individual counselor for couples counseling.

You probably aren’t going to like my view on this but here goes. My ex-husband did this to me. Anytime things got really bad and I said I was done he would do whatever the thing was that I told him needed to change for long enough to get me to stay and then things would go right back to the way they were. It wasn’t until after our daughter was born that I had seriously had enough and left (and he even tried to “swear he’d change” then too). I think the last 9 months have shown you who your husband is. I’m not sure I’d trust this guy who suddenly wants to put the effort in now that he thinks you’re serious about leaving.

PLEASE don’t feel like this has anything to do with you. It’s not about not being good enough for him to care— this seems like who HE is. This is his issue. Your husband has not been a good partner to you. That’s on him.

In spite of everything, try to remember to put YOURself first. Remember this is your life. Your happiness is more important than your marriage. If you can find that in your marriage, that’s great! But if you *cant* , there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Try not to lose sight of taking care of yourself ❤️

View Quoted Comment

My counselor who I have been seeing for a while now, is the one who recommended a colleague of hers for my husband's individual counseling. My counselor advised me months ago to get him in with an individual counselor, before we do marriage counseling. Partly because he has a past history of pushing me to the point where I want to leave, before he starts trying to change his ways. For instance, when I broke off our engagement he promised me he would not put me through this exact same scenario ever again. However, here we are..it's a repetitive behavior and one I am not sure he wants to change.

I have reservations about doing marriage counseling with him because this isn't the first time I felt this way in our relationship. I am not sure what the counselor he sees specializes in...

Honestly if this isn't the first time he's done this I'd go right for the divorce. How many times will you let him step on you and do this game? It's really unacceptable for him to lie to you to the point of unpaid bills and utilities get cut off. At first I thought you should try six months of Counseling to start but if you've felt this way before it means your guts are onto something

I'm so sorry is all I can say.

My ex fiancé was the same way - he even embezzled money (A LOT) so when we were first together, he seemed very stable. Unfortunately the lies were 10 fold, much like you are experiencing. I tried counseling with my ex fiancé as well but ultimately it didn't pay off.

Now that being said, I commend you for trying counseling and willing to give it one last shot. It sounds like you have the patience of a goddess.

I am really sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone! That being said, divorce is a pretty big decision... But, my parents had issues from the very first year of their marriage. To this day they are still married, but I have watched their marriage burn into flames and it's been downhill for 25 years. My mother has taught me that if a man can go this long without treating you right, he will never change. But I don't know your husband, or you. I don't know your relationship so I am sure there is more in the picture. I wish the best of luck to you, you are a very patient person!

View Quoted Comment This is honestly my biggest fear...I don't want to be stuck so to speak in a loveless, cold, argumentative marriage. That is not the person I am. I grew up in a very loving family, where we hugged and kissed everyone goodbye before leaving. I can only remember very few arguments between my parents growing up, and they always seem to be happy around one another. In fact in my adult life I joke around calling them my teenagers because they act so silly together. Not to say their marriage is perfect, because no one's marriage is. However, they have always worked together to make the most of it.

Then I think about my husband's parents they aren't exactly the loving type, in fact I haven't ever seen them show any sort of display of affection towards one another...Plus his dad never ends a phone conversation with a goodbye or other salutation he simply hangs up (First time he did this to me, I as pissed off and called him a jerk). Anyways, very different than how I grew up....needless to say.

I know divorce is a big decision, and I am trying to be patient and wait for him to go back to being the man I fell in love with. What's scary is, I am not sure my husband is the man I fell in love with...meaning he pretended to be someone else until we were married and now he's decided he can do the bare minimum to keep me around.....

Does his therapist know that you are coming? Most therapists won't see the individuals for therapy and do the couples therapy for them for ethical reasons, and some therapists don't see couples. I would have him confirm this plan with his therapist. I also think that doing some individual therapy first is probably beneficial before jumping into couples work.

View Quoted Comment

This is the first visit with this therapist. He mentioned me going with him last week, but I haven't heard anything else about it. I do not know if he has even contacted the counselor he is scheduled to have an appointment with to see if he would see us as a couple or discussed any of his plans. I don't know what he has planned.....

View Quoted Comment

I can definitely see where you're coming from. My personal advice to you as a friend, would be to give it a little bit of time and see if he comes back around. But, set boundaries for yourself. Know what you are willing to put up with and what you're not. I always need to remind myself that my FH is not perfect, and I can't expect him to read my mind and always know what I want. Sometimes people get in a weird rut, and he may be out of sorts because he's trying to adjust to the change of being married to someone. But that's no excuse for him not to treat you right. You definitely deserve more than that! We are always here for you!

UPDATE:

My husband went to his counseling session, and said it went fine. He went into some detail with me about what they discussed. He then told me that his therapist said he wants to talk to my personal counselor and see me with my husband for his next session. While I don't have any issues going with my husband for marriage counseling, I do think it's odd that his counselor wants to see us both, especially after just one session.

Then my husband followed up with, "well he wants to see us together, then do an individual with me ( individual with my husband), then do another together....that seems like a conflict of interest to me. I mean he's my husband's individual counselor, and our marriage counselor?? I am not sure about this.

I have a session with my counselor soon, and I intend on asking her, but I was hoping for someone else's advice who has been here before....

I think it's technically ethical, but I would see separate counselors. We were struggling to find a marriage counselor for a while, and my husband LOVED his individual therapist, so we decided that he would find a new therapist and we would see his old therapist together. That's worked fine, she's pretty good at calling us both out and knows some of the history with my in-laws (H started seeing her when he was in high school), which can be helpful. But I wouldn't have been comfortable seeing her if she was still his individual counselor too.

View Quoted Comment

I crap you not, that is one of the reasons my partner and I have been together for 9 years (co-habitating for 5) before deciding on the marriage thing. If you can fake it that long, you might be a spy. That said - people can change, and quickly - for the better or the worse. Family deaths, job loss, new children, new location, new body by Jillian Michaels, w/e. Sounds kinda like maybe he always had this undercurrent though, given what you said about his family, and he was just putting in some extra effort that has faded away.

Barring any physical, verbal, etc. abuse - maybe you can try the rule I've always used with my partner for both planning and other "rash" decisions. We can only plan out as far as 50% of our relationship (I used this to avoid making weird vacay plans with some dude that I may end up hating in like 2 months and now have a summer flight with) and we give each other 25% of our time together to get our poo together. So at this point (barring abuse, etc.) we'd try to give each other 2 years. In my head that gives time for things that can and will come up - depression, maybe illnesses that change how we live, etc. We will hopefully give each other that time to try to find a new way to live and still love each other - after that point we've really tried. I've "started the clock" only once in 9 years - and because we both were actively trying to work towards each other, it all worked out.

Long response, but I hope you end up at the decision that's right for you. It is your life - we could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so spend your time with people you really want to be with (or go find them.)

View Quoted Comment

See I think the same thing. I don't know that I will feel comfortable talking to the same person for our marriage counseling and his individual therapist. The counselor I see works in the same office, and I have been seeing her for a while now. After a few sessions, I asked her about maybe doing marriage counseling with him, but she didn't feel like it would be in our best interest. My counselor is the one who recommended my husband's counselor because she thought, from our discussions, that he would be a good fit.

I guess I can go to this one session with him and give it a try, but I'm on not comfortable with the idea....I mean I know counselors are supposed to be unbiased and all that, but I can't help but feel like he would know more about my husband and his side so to speak if he's seeing my husband separately.

View Quoted Comment

I plan on trying this marriage counseling and seeing how it goes, but if I don't see improvements within 6 months I can't see us working out. I have already spent almost a year with him. When people ask the famous question, "How's married life?" I honestly respond, "Hell." I have done this with my husband sitting beside me multiple times.

I'm sorry your going through this. I think I am in agreement with you, though I don't know what I would do without personally being in the situation. At this point, see if he does this counseling thing or finds an excuse to cancel or reschedule.

Let him have a chance to realize that he's about to make the biggest failure of his life by losing you. If he makes the wrong mistakes and screws up, then I guess go forward with your divorce.

Do what your heart tells you to do. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be, because there is something else better waiting for you out there. But sometimes thinks are meant to be. Love and marriage isn't easy, it takes a lot of hard work on both sides.

Good luck.