Letting a friend know you won't be choosing them as a Bridesmaid. Yay or Nay?

Being a bridesmaid is not fit for tat. You pick who you are closest to and they pick who they are closest to. It’s very common for them to not match up. It’s never appropriate to tell anyone that you will not be choosing them. You let them know privately that you would like them to be a bridesmaid and give them a list of your expectations and the expenses that you expect them to cover. No proposal boxes at all. Let them decide based on the information you have them. They do not approach you to ask to be a bridesmaid. If they do, you shut down the conversation with “I haven’t decided yet” and walk away


For this particular situation, you don’t say anything. She is free to feel whatever she does but you are not responsible for her feelings and reactions.

It’s never polite to proactively tell someone you are not inviting or including them in something. Besides, what could you say in this situation that wouldn’t be offensive?

Generally speaking, you shouldn’t say anything. If she starts talking about plans as your bridesmaid, then gently tell her that you’ve chosen your wedding party but you look forward to having her there as a guest. But if she doesn’t bring it up, it would be rude to do it preemptively.

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I agree with this. If she does have the nerve to ask or assume I'd probably say you would have loved to have included her but it would have opened a can of worms with other friends. If she's the type to get upset she will be regardless. As an aside, though, your sides don't have to be even.

Hi all,

I've seen your replies and wanted to thank you for the insight! I'm definitely leaning on not telling her and just proceeding with asking the rest of my bridal party.

I had a follow up question - I've seen discussions where certain friends are hurt that they weren't asked to bridesmaids and wishes they had been told instead of finding out on social media or through other people. What are your thoughts on that? It may just be a case to case basis.

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You can't control how other people feel and process their feelings.

View Quoted Comment Those feelings are valid but you have no control of what they feel, which is for them to work through. While some may be hurt by not being chosen and they invest more into the friendship than you do, an equal number are relieved to not be asked. Not everyone enjoys the role and would prefer to be a regular guest.

View Quoted Comment First, don’t name the bridal party or discuss anything to do with wedding plans on social media and ask your bridal party to keep those things to themselves or the group only, too.


If someone tells her, and she’s upset that you failed to give a heads up, not much you can do about that. It’s just as or more likely for people to be offended by outright being told they were considered but ultimately rejected.

This may be a little late, but I'm going to jump in and go against the grain by saying I think it can be nice to mention something preemptively. But, only if that person is a truly close friend who you'd like to have in your life for years to come. Some people might say "The best friends won't be hurt and will just be happy for you, and the crappy friends will get upset about it and leave." But I disagree somewhat. These roles hold weight and everyone can see that they are often (though not always) a way of displaying who you feel closest to. It's inevitable someone will feel hurt, so if this is a person who you really value a lot then I'd say something. If it's a friendship you're comfortable potentially losing then don't and hope for the best. From what you've said about this friend, it sounds like you don't think so highly of them, so maybe letting it go and letting nature take its course is the right approach.

FWIW, I was recently left out of my very closest friend's wedding party. He and I are still good friends, but it's been really hard getting over the disappointment and hurt, especially since there was no mention of it and I found out on his wedding website. I thought we were close enough that he would've said something to acknowledge that he really values me and it'd mean so much to him to have me there as a guest (and maybe include me in a social plan the day before, if appropriate). I'll figure out a way to move past it, but it's been hard. This is coming from someone who tends to not cause drama and internally works through these kinds of exclusions without making a scene, if that means anything in this scenario. Good luck!