Just discovered fiancé didn’t receive Catholic Sacraments he said he had

Hmm. At first I thought maybe it was a misunderstanding; I would not be surprised if he thought he had his First Communion but didn't. I don't remember a ton from when I was 6, other than 9/11. Confirmation is rather strange, since he was in 8th grade.

FWIW, I grew up "Christmas and Easter" in the Catholic church but did not receive my sacraments. I am marrying my Catholic fiance in a church, but we can't have a Mass. So you can still get married, as he is baptized (I am too).

However....if you say there's been other deceptions, then that concerns me. Of what nature?

Not Catholic, Jewish here - but I can tell you I don't remember any of my Bat Mitzvah that was at 13 years old. Huge ordeal. Terrible memory, what can ya do.

I feel the same, Willow! Very difficult to comprehend how someone thinks they received those sacraments typically at the age of 8 and again a 14...to find out they did not. & to receive communion week over week in the church until the age of 34, to discover you never went through the process to do so. It feels very off to me. It would be very different to say, I don't remember if I did. Now that I would understand more. Really appreciate you weighing. The last thing I want to do is bring this to family or friends right now, so I appreciate this platform to share + discuss. Thanks!

I feel the same, Willow! Very difficult to comprehend how someone thinks they received those sacraments typically at the age of 8 and again a 14...to find out they did not. & to receive communion week over week in the church until the age of 34, to discover you never went through the process to do so. It feels very off to me. It would be very different to say, I don't remember if I did. Now that I would understand more. Really appreciate you weighing. The last thing I want to do is bring this to family or friends right now, so I appreciate this platform to share + discuss. Thanks!

Thank you, Day. Yes, I reached out to the church he went to growing up and they have no records of any sacraments received there. We have a meeting with our Priest on Sunday to discuss all options. He's been taking communion and will now stop until he goes through the proper process. I just wish I had know this before we set our wedding date, so he could have gone through RCIA and the sacraments properly before receiving the sacrament of marriage. It's beyond frustrating...as this is not the first time I've been in the dark about the truth.

Thank you for weighing in, Jessica. I agree, it's a red flag and hard to comprehend thinking you received two sacraments, and that not being the case. Very different if he had just said, I don't remember so I should call my church or ask my family to ensure that I did...before I receive Holy Communion every Sunday for the past 8+ years. & yes, he has proven to be comfortable living a lie. He was dishonest about his education and his finances. To me and to others. It's been 7 years of working through those issues...and to now have this come up with faith. The core of our relationship. It's difficult to process. We're meeting with our Priest on Sunday to discuss our options. If I would've know this information just a week ago, I could have secured a different wedding date + venue...which I've put a deposit + second payment down with my own money. There is a strong chance we won't be able to have a full Catholic mass with communion, which is very important to me and my Catholic family. & it will be very odd if we don't, as he has attended mass with my family and received communion. It's a mess.

Hi Katie! Appreciate you sharing your story. Sorry to hear your Bat Mitzvah was a terrible memory But you're saying you don't remember it at all? I'm trying to understand how someone thinks they went through the education process and sacrament at the age of 13-14...to find out they actually did not at the age of 34. I could see one saying, I don't remember if I did or not! But to believe you did, and to have not at all is really hard to believe.

Thank you Tiger Bride. Like you are your fiance, we may now not be able to have the full mass + communion. What will appear strange to all is the fact that my fiance has received communion and attended full mass with my family throughout our 7 year relationship. So to then not have the full wedding...and to no longer take communion when we attend mass together. There will be a lot of questions and confusion.

I guess I can't speak to how different the processes are, and it's not that it was a terrible memory - I have a terrible memory. I can remember small pieces, but mostly because there are so many photos that I've seen that have helped recreate the memory. If there hadn't been a party the cost of a wedding attached to it, I probably wouldn't remember a single thing to be honest with you. That is also because I did not continue to practice religion, if I had, I'd like to think I would remember more but who knows.

& to answer your question about other deceptions, Tiger Bride. Finances and Education were other areas that I've felt deceived. Lied about his credit score and his schooling. When we first started dating in 2013 a big part of his story was paying his way through college and graduating with a Bachelor's degree. It was on his company bio page and something he told everyone I knew who asked about where he went to school. Our first trip to his home town, he drove me by his college campus. Come to find out (because someone else looked into it) he never graduated college, or even went to the school he said he did. 7 years later and many counseling sessions, we got passed it. Address the route cause and found forgiveness. So for this to come up now, is rather jarring.

Katie, that makes total sense. & you bring up a good point about looking back on photographs. You'd think one would have a picture of that milestone day in your church to look back on. My gut says he knows he didn't receive the sacraments, and simply lied about it as that has been a pattern through our entire relationship. Education and finances, to name a couple. It's devastating, but I also shouldn't be surprised considering the track record. So at this point, this one's on me,

I'm sorry to hear that, if his track record with truth-telling is that poor then it is quite likely he's lying. It just seems strange since he's so involved with the church, or do you think he does that more for you? Either way, lying about education, finances and religion are probably the biggest red flags you could encounter. I'd have a long think about whether these are things you can live with or if it's time to move on.

Thank you, Katie. I think he leaned into the Catholic faith as a lost young adult, looking to form his identify. He never had a consistent father figure. (Mom remarried 3 times.) So the idea that his true Father is God + Jesus Christ was something he latched on to. Although the deception will be very hard for us to overcome as a pair...as this is now the third core area of life he's not been honest about....he will now go through the RCIA process to become a Confirmed Catholic. He has the opportunity to grow his faith through this, and that is the silver lining.

I 100% agree Veronica. & that is the same advice I would give to a friend + loved one. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm also wondering what more there even is to lie about once you've already covered education, faith, and finances? LOL. There's obviously more...and the fear this behavior continues. Much to process and discern. Hoping the conversation with our Priest Sunday is helpful.

A few things:

- If it was really a misunderstanding to where he did think he was confirmed, then him taking communion, while a no-no, is just that - a misunderstanding. He can't be faulted for acting according to something he thought was true and under normal circumstances, that would be a reasonable explanation.

However, based on some other things you've said about him, I rather doubt he didn't know he hadn't been confirmed. Lying about a degree, to you or to his employer, is a pretty large deception and in some cases I believe is illegal (because he was hired under false pretenses). My guess would be he pretended to be Catholic because he knew it was important to you, and he was willing to lie to make himself appear to be someone you would want to date, just like he lied to his employer to appear to be someone they would want to hire. But notice the pattern, he does not confess to the deceptions, he is found out by someone else. That's not a good sign.

- It surprises me that you've been together for 7 years and none of this ever came up. You never talked about Catholicism in front of his parents? Are they Catholic? What about his time in school? They had no pictures of him in his cap and gown? Or are they in on all of this?

- This is kind of an aside, but don't worry about how it "appears" to your family. That's the last of your worries. I would really reconsider this.

Edit: I just saw your update. I don't know how willing I would be to believe that he "leaned into his faith" or how much him going through RCIA would fix this. This really sounds like a man who presents himself as whatever he needs to to get what he wants - a wife, a job, respect as being part of a church board, etc. He is running from his past. Be careful.