Is this poor guest etiquette?

You definitely don't approach it with her, no.

It was rude to bring an uninvited guest but calling her on it now will just make you look poorly, I would guess. Are you sure this person isn't a significant other to her? Did you make it clear on the RSVP that she had one seat and no plus one?

Definitely don't bring up the gift situation at all.

View Quoted Comment The RSVP was clear. Her date was a coworker/friend. They are not dating & are just friends (we asked). I (nor any of our other friends) have ever met him.

I don’t want to cause any conflict with her but at the same time, I don’t think what happened was ok. I had a very strict head count I needed to stick to. I had to make some very hard decisions about the guest list & am upset that a seat went to a stranger that’s not a significant other.

I think not getting a gift was more like salt on an open wound. It’s not what I’m really upset about but it doesn’t help the situation.

View Quoted Comment

I guess it depends on what the purpose is of confronting her. Do you want to be paid back for that meal? Or is it more to make her feel bad for her rudeness? I guess I just don't see the point.

If you mention it, no matter how gently you say something, you will likely loose the friendship, which sounds one sided regarding her recent behavior. If you're willing to loose her as a friend, I'd say address it, because just like a break up, the other person needs to know what they did for you to make the decision(s) you chose to make.

It was very rude on her part. She was inconsiderate, & as you noted, to top it off, it wasn't like she brought a gift as a way to sort of sweeten you up or soften you to her faux pas move. She should have reached out or communicated what her want was rather than blatantly, & inconsiderately doing what she wanted with no regard for the time & effort you put into coordination.

What will saying something accomplish? Is anything she says going to satisfy your curiosity or make you feel less annoyed? If nothing you think of will make you feel better & you don't think she'll even apologize or acknowledge her blunder, either truly let it go or truly tell her how you feel & risk the relationship. Those are really the only healthy options.

That’s so rude. I wouldn’t lecture or confront her on her bad manners and behavior but I would reevaluate my trust in her and her judgment. Put it this way. There wouldn’t be invitations to any more private social events any time soon.


As for a gift, that may still be forthcoming and as you know, there’s no entitlement. Ideally gifts are sent ahead, not brought to the wedding, but she actually does have a year.

Yes it's rude, but a lot of people aren't well versed in wedding etiquette (especially if they haven't planned a wedding themselves) and think that everyone automatically gets a plus one. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it, what's done is done.

Is it poor guest etiquette? - yes. However, I think a lot of people nowadays don't really understand wedding etiquette like they did in past generations. I can say for myself, I learned a TON about wedding etiquette (that I didn't previously know) once I started planning my own wedding. I can think back about things I've done as a guest in the past that I would never do now that I've planned my own wedding and have a better understanding about what goes into it. If this person has been a good friend to you, I would just let this slide and give her the benefit of the doubt that her intentions weren't malicious. What's done is already done and cannot be changed; and in the grand scheme of things this wasn't THAT big of a deal. Definitely not worth your time dwelling on.

If you had place cards, escort cards, or a seating chart that didn't list this person, or if all guests had to effectively "move down" chairs to add an additional seat to the table, then your guests surely got the point that this was suprise. If it was me, I would have been embarrassed enough for myself and my guest. You could bring it up that XX was a surprise, but passive aggressiveness is never a good look on anyone. Guests have a year to send any gifts. Should she have her own wedding, she'll learn a wedding is far more intimate and personal than a drop-in cocktail party.

You’re perfectly right to be annoyed. It was rude. But there’s nothing to be gained from confronting her. That’s compounding rudeness with more rudeness. It will definitely affect the way you think of her and might affect how you choose to socialize with her in the future. But unless she directly says something about it to you, rise above and move on.

I don't buy the excuse that people these days don't understand wedding etiquette. She still had to RSVP. Even assuming she made an ignorant assumption, a considerate person with half a brain would have at the very least replied for two.

How to socially interact without making others uncomfortable or awkward is taught by parents for generations or the parents don’t teach anything if they don’t care. There are books to read on the subject if someone truly doesn’t know and parents know what is acceptable and not acceptable within the social circle that they learned from their elders and they make the conscious choice to pass it on or not, or the younger generation refuses to listen because they feel it’s too archaic and blame their lack of knowledge on parents not trying to teach them. Because it’s not something that becomes outdated over time or due to worldwide catastrophes.


Even a verbal reply is valid. But most people can look at a card and read the directions to fill it out or not. Not everyone will visit a website and that is ok so it should not be the main source of information and to rsvp. Not everyone RSVPs and it is what it is. Some people feel that you know they are attending or they genuinely forget.
Do not say anything to her unless you want the friendship to end. Do not say anything about gifts, which are always optional and etiquette allows them to take 12 months from the wedding day to give one. And being a guest is never transactional even though some people like to make it that way. The ‘pay for your plate’ which was originally intended to weed out middle class guests from attending bigger budget events, has now become ‘pay for your expenses’ where guests online say ‘cover the costs of what it takes to attend at $500/pp minimum or don’t attend’ and that’s not realistic or polite in any society but it happens.