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Just Said Yes October 2024

I’m caught in the middle !!

Kara, on November 6, 2023 at 3:26 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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My mom wants to give me the wedding of my dream which I am of course very appreciative of. However the issue I have been having is that she gets her feelings her or argumentative anytime my fiancés mother offers to try and pay for some things for the wedding. I understand that typically the girls family pays for the majority of the wedding but my fiancés mom wants to help and feel like she is a part of it too since it’s not just my wedding. The hard thing about the situation is both me and my fiancé have an older sibling that got married this year and neither of our moms were really included in the process at all so it feels like our wedding is an opportunity for them to make up what they didn’t get to be a part of in our siblings wedding. Our moms have tried to talk it over and come up with a solution but it still feels like a battle every time something new comes up and we try to figure out who will be paying for it. I don’t want to hurt my moms feelings but she has paid for a lot of the bigger things and so I lean more towards wanting to let my MIL pay for a lot of the smaller stuff. I don’t know what to do because if I go to my mom I feel like she will want to pay and get upset if she can’t but if I go behind her back and just let me MIL pay then it’ll cause a big fight( which has happened with our florist). Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated!! TIA

8 Comments

Latest activity by Tera, on November 8, 2023 at 11:30 PM
  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    Whose wedding is it? That's who should be paying and making decisions which includes refusing money from persons who want to control everything. If you think they won't share now, this will just get worse so say no to both. These days, the couple pays so they get all the say.

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  • Pat
    Rockstar May 2023
    Pat ·
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    May I suggest a nice sit down with all 4 of you (moms and fiance and you) with a COMPLETE list of items wanted/needed for the wedding. This means you and FH will have to decide prior to the meet what it is you want to do/have. That way the moms can see where their help is needed and decide then - put their names by the item so it is visibly clear who is paying for what and there are no surprises or 'behind the back purchases. You could even go so far as saying anything not on the list would be your responsibility, no arguments allowed. The other option is just to give a dollar amount limit - they each can pay for items up to that limit, no more. Whatever you decide, you and FH need to stand firm and stand together.
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  • R
    Rockstar June 2018
    Rae ·
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    Unfortunate reality check: your mom doesn't want to pay for your dream wedding, she wants to pay for the wedding that she wants to pay for.

    What do you and FH want? Rather than letting both of your moms push you around, why don't the two of you sit down and decide what you want? You have a few options available to you.

    You can:

    1.) Let your mom pay for the full wedding and tell FMIL thanks but no thanks
    2.) Sit down with all 4 as Pat suggested and see if you can work out something that everyone is happy with

    3.) Decline all parent's money and pay for the wedding yourselves. If they want to give you a cash gift instead, maybe they'll do that (but do not expect it)

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  • P
    Devoted April 2023
    Peyton ·
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    Whoever is paying has the most control. Remember this when drawing up the guest list. That is when it tends to get ugly very quickly. You are much better off paying for the wedding you can afford and being able to plan everything just as you wish. Good luck!

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    This is a great idea!

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  • C
    CM ·
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    That would only work if OP’s mom did not see herself as hosting this wedding as opposed to just contributing a set amount. I think she will likely object to such a meeting under the circumstances.

    OP, what is the current arrangement? Hosting and contributing with no strings attached are two very different things. If co-hosting with your parents, it’s up to all of you how you want to handle any offers from FI's parents to contribute, taking into account what FI’s parents expect from such a contribution in terms of control. But if your parents are exclusively hosting and you’ve accepted under those terms, then yes, they get to graciously turn down any and all offers to help.


    If, however, you want full control you’ll have to either turn down any and all parental involvement, convince both sides to make it a no strings attached contribution (unlikely), or come to some sort of a compromise.

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  • Connie
    Dedicated September 2023
    Connie ·
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    1) Do your own research and get quotes so you can outline a realistic budget of how much money it’ll cost you for your dream wedding
    2) Get a credit card with a good travel bonus
    3) Have your parents give you the money (however much they feel comfortable giving you, probably want a balance) 4) You pay for things on your new card so then you can get a lot of points for free flights or room stays
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  • T
    Tera ·
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    This is a great suggestion!
    I hope everything works out for you, Kara.
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