Husband's Female Friend

You can talk to your husband about how it bothers you how often she calls. It sounds like she is important to him and he is helping her out so I'm not sure how receptive he will be to changing this behavior.

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We did talk and it lead to an argument because I feel buying a house with her boyfriend should be something she is discussing with her boyfriend not my husband. He defends her by saying that the boyfriend doesn't know much about remodeling a house and that this is a huge life change for her so of course she wants to talk to her friend about it. I would be okay if she called like once or twice a week, but she's been calling almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. When she first started looking at houses she called five times in one day.

View Quoted Comment Yeah seems he's not interested in changing that behavior. Sorry girl I'm not sure how much you can really do to fix this. Tell him to tell her to buy the next house she sees??!!!

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The most annoying part is she is calling him for advice and then she never takes it. She has put two offers down on houses, but the sellers accepted other offers so she has to start all over again. Her phone calls have always been an issue. She used to call him and go into way too much detail about her sex life with him that I finally told him he needed to put a stop to it because I felt she didn't respect our relationship by sharing such personal information about her with him.

View Quoted Comment Y'all may need to talk to a therapist about this unhealthy relationship he has with her

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He don't think he sees a problem with it. Whenever I've bought up that I don't like how often she calls his response is that's why he tries to talk to her when I'm not around. He never calls her. She is always the one calling him.

See I am a petty and would confront my concerns with the problem, her. Let her know she needs to limit the amount of calls she is making to once a week. If she's that unsure about buying a house then she needs to get an agent to represent her. I'm sorry but how does a construction worker aid with buying a house... im puzzled? Is she remodeling too? Because if he advices her wrong, then you'll never get rid of her. "Well your husband said this and now this happened and we trusted him and blah blah blah." Let you husband know your frustration and this relationship is causing you extreme hurt, anxiety, frustration and everything else. He also needs to set boundaries with her. Good luck girl, I would be losing my mind.

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She is asking him for advice on things she wants to change about the houses to see what she would be getting into before she would purchase the house. For example, she wanted to add a closest to the one room and she wanted his advice on how to do that. She also seemed to think he would come help her with any repairs that needed done to the house. Mind you, we live 3.5 hours from where she lives so even if he wanted to do repairs it wouldn't be as simple as just driving a few minutes to help out. We are also looking to buy own our house so helping her upgrade whatever house she buys isn't a high priority. I am so frustrated and she has always been very difficult to deal with. He has tried setting boundaries with her, but she doesn't really listen. She used to talk to him about her sex life all the time until I told him I felt it disrespected me and our relationship. He told her she needed to stop, but the very next time he talked to her she went right back to telling him about her sex life. He once again told her to stop and I think she finally got the message. If I could tell her to stop calling without him being really mad at me I would, but he doesn't see an issue with it. He says they are friends and friends talk. I don't have a ton of close friends so he doesn't think I understand how friendships work.

Would you be this upset if the friend was male?

View Quoted Comment I'm not sure. I think part of what annoys me is when she calls. She seems to always call when we are in the middle of something like eating dinner or going for a walk together. I think if his male best friend called during times like that I would probably be annoyed to.

You are 100% entitled to your feelings. However, all friendships are different. Unless she's calling and interrupting your time together, I feel like it's up to your husband how often he talks to her. If he's ok with her asking him a million questions, that's his prerogative. If she's calling in the middle of dinner or you two watching a movie and he takes the call and chats with her for awhile leaving you sitting there alone, that's one thing, but if he's doing his own thing and talks to her on the phone, then I personally don't see the big deal. Honestly, even if she shares about her sex life with him, I don't know if that's really crossing a boundary any more than any other friendship. If she's trying to flirt with him that's one thing, but if she's talking about sex with her bf, I don't know how different that is than if I were to talk to my close female friend about my sex life. You should be open with your husband about your concerns, as you said you have been, but there's only so much say you should have in how he navigates his friendships with others as long as he is still being respectful and faithful to you.

View Quoted Comment So you seem to have answered one of my questions while I was writing my post. I think maybe having a talk with him about that is warranted. Like, "hey, I understand she has questions and you want to help, but if she calls while we are spending time together, I would really appreciate if you prioritized us at that time and call her back later." I would be annoyed to if we were in the middle of dinner and he got calls. I would expect either my husband or I to say "hey, I'm in the middle of dinner, but can I call you back in like an hour?" Those kinds of boundaries are important.

Someone suggested a therapist, and maybe that would be a good route to go. they’re not just for people who’s marriage is on the rocks. Therapists are trained to help people communicate better and understand each other, which is sounding like what is happening here. You see a problem with his relationship with this friend and it’s impact on your and his relationship (and I do agree with you that it’s not a healthy relationship and I would certainly have a problem with it (even if the friend was male I’d still have a problem, but I do have more of a problem because this friend is female). But maybe if you’re not ready to go the therapist route yet, do you have a friend/family member that both of you would trust for relationship wisdom?


I have a few friends who are male but I wouldn’t consider any of them my best friend. Also they’re married and I’m very cautious of that to make sure my actions could not be construed as threatening.

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Yeah, that's a no for me. Have you tried just going bat s**t crazy? Or the complete opposite and crying for days on end? I would still call and make him see how ridiculous his reaction is when he gets mad. Like bro, "you are mad at me because I ask your friend girl to stop calling so much... Ummmmm you don't see the problem here?!?!?" But the fact that you have to potentially be thinking of plans without is infuriating. Sorry girl, hope you find some peace soon.

DH has a friend who requires him to play therapist, sometimes, too, and every so often I have to remind him that's not his job.

It's hard, because clearly his friend needs help, but... yeah, boundaries. Boundaries about when, and how much help. The first because our relationship needs to be prioritized, and the second because of how much it takes out of him!

I'd recommend couples' counseling to help you two communicate, and I'd enforce a no-phones rule for when you two are eating/doing stuff. If she calls then, he's unavailable, full stop, and she has to solve the problem herself.

I faced something “similar” with my FH when we first started dating. Except this wasn’t with one of his close lady friends, it was his ex that he dated for 5 years (they were broken up for 3 years before him and I got together) and she would contact him ALL the time. Not about getting back together, but just little things like if she ran into one of their mutual friends, or a song on the radio played that reminded her of an experience they shared....completely inappropriate. His argument used to be that they remained good friends, but if there’s one thing we all know about women - US - is that we know exactly when we’re crossing a certain line.
Believe me, if you feel in your gut that her constant calling is inappropriate, IT IS, and I’m sure she knows it. She sounds like the kind of person that’ll say “GASP! He’s one of my best friends and I’m in a relationship for goodness sake” as her defense.

What I did in my situation? I emailed this girl. To the personal email she used to communicate to my FH AND I CC’d him lol so she knew that he was in on it. It was a very polite “Hey, girl-to-girl, please respect my relationship with this amazing man”. It was the fact that I addressed it that shocked her. I genuinely think you should speak to her, it’s an uncomfortable situation for everyone but needs to be done.
Also, she openly talks about her sex life with him?! That right there is NOT normal. Unhealthy. Like I said, women know what they’re doing. You only talk about your sex life with a man that you want to have visualize you in the sexual acts you’re discussing.

I can see your concern because if she’s truly calling that often it can be kind of intrusive in terms of intrusion into your relationship when she’s calling all the time. But this IS a problem. If your husband is listening to your concerns and not wanting to do anything about it that’s a concern to me. He could at least tell her that if she could call just only at certain times so that he can spend time with you uninterrupted that would be nicer.

Ask him if the roles were reversed how HE’D feel? Maybe show him how he’d feel with a male friend?


Are you able to talk to her? Do you think it’d do any good?
Maybe write it out for Husband? Like I am not comfortable with _____ falling and you two talking, even if it’s just about houses.... because____. I don’t want to fight just a statement that I thought you’d appreciate more in writing.

View Quoted Comment If he’s *taking* calls during moments like this, that’s definitely a *his* behavior problem that you can address. It’s not about her or whoever is making the calls, but those are personal moments and should be reserved as such— I would ask to make that a policy for both of you— no answering phones during meals unless it’s an emergency.

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I definitely think calling and going into explicit detail with my husband about her sex life is inappropriate. She would literally call just to discuss her sex life with him and nothing else. There were times he would literally tell her he didn't want to hear about her sex life and she would just keep talking. He even once handed the phone to me to listen to her because he was tired of hearing her talk. To my knowledge, she doesn't do that anymore since I confronted him about it and told her that these phone calls made me feel uncomfortable. She doesn't seem to comprehend that there need to be boundaries.