Growing Guest List

Reading this it sounds like I could have written it!!! I just wanted to elope, but if we did have a wedding at all I wanted it small, simple, and intimate (like a nice brunch wedding with 50-80 guests or so). But my FH comes from a culture where weddings are of utmost importance and actually "belong" to the parents. Our wedding is going to be 230 guests, and that's only because the maximum capacity is 230. If the capacity was 400 his parents would absolutely insist on filling it all the way to 400 people.

If his desire for a large wedding is coming from a place of preference rather than cultural mandate, I would do your best to come to an agreed number based on your budget and the venue capacity. Then he pledges to not exceed that number. If he is being unreasonable on a compromise then it might be time to take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship and his character.

I think your desire to not have anyone you haven't met before is understandable, but it is pretty common for it to happen where you don't know every single person at your wedding because of plus-ones, if your spouse has cousins from out of state, etc... I don't like it either, but I think it's more realistic for you to only set a number that he must stick to, rather than tell him who he may and may not invite from among his family/friends.

You will be busy greeting and thanking lots of people on your wedding day, and if you've never met a guest before, you don't have to spend any extra time with them on small talk or getting to know each other; just the same amount of standard time you're giving all the other guests which will probably just be a hello and thanks-for-coming. Because you're the bride you won't have to "introduce" yourself since they will already know who you are and how you know your FH

The reality is the financial help you are receiving seems to be coming with strings attached. Your alternatives are to turn down the help and finance the wedding you can afford on your own budget, convince your FI to elope, or get FMIL's word that there will be no more additions.

Dani made some good points about having people you don't know at a wedding. It's usually unrealistic to expect that you will know everyone since you properly need to include partners and SOs you may not have had the chance to meet. Likewise FI may have relatives he's been close to his whole life but who live at a distance. I agree that your only obligation is to greet all your guests at some point with a hello and a thanks for coming. If you and FI go around to tables, he can do most of the talking. No one is going to expect a long conversation. As co-hosts your in laws will be mostly responsible for entertaining their own guests as well.

That said, if your FI can't stand up to his mother now, you may find you are having similar problems in the future.

The best way to control this is to decline FMIL's money and have the wedding you want with the guests you want. For sure there will be people there that you're less close to, like spouses etc, but then you'll have control.

Is your FH on the same page when it comes to standing up to her?

Pay for the wedding yourselves instead. By allowing her to pay for the wedding you are giving her control. As a result she feels she has say over who is or isn't invited to the wedding.

Your wedding is this May? I suggest informing your FMIL that it is against etiquette to invite guests last minute. Guests who did not receive a prior Save the Date will view this as a last-minute/ tier 2/ B-list invite and will be offended. Furthermore, have your FI point out that you both were offended that she disregarded your feelings after your last talk.

If you are interested in hearing how to handle hosting anxiety, there are other WW posts on this. Some couples do first looks, use coping tricks, and others get married privately beforehand. One bride did the last and was so resentful of their overbearing parents, that she's iced them out of her current pregnancy process and after. I suggest drawing boundaries now to set the tone of your marriage as a united front. Pre-marital counseling would give you and your partner tools to do so.

CM also makes good points that there will be no way for you to make small talk with all guests. The night will be very fast, and hopefully you will be enjoying it with your partner. Let the parents take on some of the chatting duties. Perhaps, also discuss a code or look you and your partner can give to each other where you can briefly come together for a slight break. If no agreement can be made, you can certainly cancel the wedding. It is not advisable to marry under extreme duress. Best wishes with everything.

View Quoted Comment I’m not trying to convince OP to agree to more guests but B listing would be if two rounds of invitations went out, nothing to do with Save the Dates. They are simply a heads up and don’t have to be sent at all or to everyone on the list.

As you suggest, if people know others who received one it could cause them to assume the guest list hadn’t been finalized, but that’s all. As long as invitations go out at the appropriate time there’s no etiquette issue involved, though.

I suspect one issue is OP’s FI, who, like his mother, actually wanted the larger wedding. How determined could he have been if a smaller wedding had been agreed to and additional guests managed to end up on the list at the end of just one conversation? But if invitations are about to go out and if FMIL is paying for “a lot” of this wedding then she pretty much has them between a rock and a hard place at this point unless they were to cancel or OP is willing to compromise and get her to agree to no more additions, period.

The guest list should be set in stone final before the venue is even looked at and then stop adding people. Because you can’t fit 1000 people in a venue for 50 because you keep finding more people to invite. Receiving money from other people always always means that they have full say over all decisions because they control the money. If you don’t like their decisions, give every penny back and plan a wedding you and fiancé want and can afford. For some people, that’s cake and coffee or pizza delivery at the local park owned venue and there is zero shame in that.


You and fiancé should decide and agree on a vision before any decisions as far as venue are made. Your vision, budget and guest list should be decided and set in stone first before anything else. If you can’t agree or compromise at that stage, don’t continue with wedding planning. You have to be on the same page. It gives practice for larger decisions you will face together as the wedding. Parents already got married and many made the choice to allow their parents to decide all plans. That doesn’t give them the right to plan your wedding.
If his mom wants to host extra people she has two options: 1) plan a family reunion picnic at another time not related to your wedding or 2) host those people in her home at another time not related to your wedding.

Point to the max capacity of the venue. Book a venue with a max capacity of 100. and be like 'sorry fire code'.
Also, talk to your FH. Is this a a friend of his mom's that watched him after school 5 days a week for 6 years? Is this his great aunt who he picked black berries in her yard every summer? Is it the family he had thanksgiving with for 5 years when he lived out of state? If these are people who are important to your future husband, I think you should invite them and have an exit strategy.
I checked that my venue has some quiet room to hide in if I get overwelmed. Ask someone to play interferance.
My mom wanted to invite a bunch of family members that I'm not close to. When the RSVPS came back (dispite her arm twisting) 2 out of the 20 or so 'additons' could come. Ask your FH if these family members are likely to come.
These 'addtions' all lived out of state, or have a toddler. My original plan was to send out 100 invites for a 75 count guest list. We actully sent out 120 invites with 68 people accepting.