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Dedicated July 2021

fil Stress

MaryElena, on March 3, 2020 at 5:28 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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Hi everyone!
Our wedding is in 2021 (500 days away). FH and I have been productive from the get-go and have nearly planned the entire wedding. Our family dynamics are very unlike.

Here’s where my worry begins to sink in....
We are often told as I’m sure many other couples are that when you get married, you don’t just marry your prospective spouse but your families as well. FMIL and I share a cordial relationship. His family background is what some may consider unorthodox. My family is certainly more traditional. My primary concern is how the personal decisions him and I make could potentially cause repercussions between his mother and I. The relationship he has shared with his mother over the years could be described as intricate.
We have established that we will not allow our differences to negatively influence our marriage. We have equally decided to withdraw from adverse influences in pursuance of a wholesome marriage. We want to build our own family unit. Him and I would prefer to take a more traditional approach to parenting. We want to build a sound foundation for our future children and provide them with the resources and capacity to be independent thinkers.
These policies and actions we both agree would be beneficial for our marriage.
We fear that family members will feel we are being deliberately insensitive to their feelings or wishes.
I personally worry that his family will resent me due to our decisions. We understand that some will take offense and will find our decisions distasteful. We personally don’t want to drive any wedges between family members.
Please share your thoughts and similar experiences.
Thank you for your support!

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on March 4, 2020 at 3:12 AM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on March 3, 2020 at 5:33 PM
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This is all very vague, but all you can do is stand as a united front in your decisions and make sure you have each other’s backs if someone questions your decisions.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 3, 2020 at 5:37 PM
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Completely agree with this. Honestly, it doesn't matter how anyone feels about your parenting style unless they feel that you're being abusive toward your future children, which would be a completely different story. Your decisions aren't their business. Maybe consider counseling to work through these differences and form a plan on how to deal with potential issues between families.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on March 3, 2020 at 5:42 PM
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As pp stated, this is all very vague. You can have an idea of how you want to raise your future family, but until that day happens it’s all just plans and thoughts. When it happens, you yourselves may have different plans and ideas.

I’d worry about today and not what ifs. Life changes everyday and definitely our way of thinking changes
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on March 3, 2020 at 8:54 PM
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Easier said than done but at the end you two are adults and need to stand up for your beliefs and in order for either of your parents to be involved in your lives or your future children's lives they need to respect what you two want.
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Super October 2021
Suzie · on March 3, 2020 at 9:02 PM
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This is pretty vague, but I will agree with PPs that how you decide to raise your children is nobody’s business. As Sarah said, you just need to stay on a united front, and support each other. As a new parent, everyone will have advice for you. Ultimately you just need to weed out the “bad” or irrelevant advise, thank them for their input, and move on. I can tell you that what I felt my parenting style would be before I was a mom def changed after I had my son. When I was younger, I would judge my sister’s parenting choices during times where I felt she was more lenient than I would have been, but being a parent now, I totally understand. I also dealt with my ex’s large family, who all had a million parenting tips and beliefs, and would laugh at how “naive“ I was since I was a new mom. It infuriated me. But at the end of the day, my parenting choices were mine, and it didn’t matter what anyone thought or said. My point is not to stress this stuff now. You’re putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. You just need to stick to your guns, and have each other’s back.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on March 4, 2020 at 3:12 AM
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I hate that saying. FIL said it to me, and I said to DH... no, because you are not marrying my dysfunctional family. You are marrying ME. My dysfunctional family is kept at a very, VERY long distance, for good reason.
You are marrying another person. This often involves the baggage (good or bad) that is their family, but you are creating your OWN family, and that includes decisions about how to interact with your families of origin.
If we all decided based on families.... oh, that would be an absolute mess. No one would come near me OR my MIL, or my stepmother... all because our families are completely screwy.
You and your FS need to talk, be clear about what you want, and stand by those decisions.
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