Fiance and I can't agree on wedding

Hello Jenna,

firstly change your avatar to a photo so you get more responses.

Secondly you and FH both need to come to a decision regarding your wedding. Marriage, and relationships in general, are all about compromise. It shouldn't be FH way or the highway and it shouldn't be your way or the highway. It should be a mix of both. If FH told me "I don't want a wedding" I would be heartbroken but i'd also say "that's not an option for me so lets work to an agreement on something we'd both like."

Pretty much what FutureMrsAK said. FW and I have been engaged for almost 2 years, and in that time it took a lot of conversations and a lot of little compromises (from both of us), to agree on a wedding we both want, and will both be happy with. (Similar to your FH, my FW did not originally want a wedding). You can work it out, but it may take time; and he needs to understand that compromise goes both ways.

I would also maybe have a conversation about committing to the decisions made. If you have begun putting deposits down, he needs to commit to the decisions you guys have made. If you are going to make any more changes to the type of wedding you will have, it has to happen now, and then he's gotta stick with it. If he is money conscious, remind him that any late or last-minute changes will result in money lost.

Thanks, everyone for your responses. I have tried talking to him about it but he's firm set on not having a wedding, so I am not sure what else I can do to meet him halfway here. I can't cut the guest list anymore without excluding important people that should be there. I am hand making all of the decorations myself and having a friend video tape our ceremony. I am wearing my mom's wedding dress from the 70s and not having a cake or flowers to cut down on costs. He isn't paying for any of it but doesn't want anyone else to pay towards a wedding for us either. Is there anything else I can compromise on that I am missing? I do want a DJ and photographer there, but we're not having anything else. My approach could be not getting us anywhere, how would you word a conversation like ours? This is so hard...

I was going to suggest going to a courthouse and then taking your immediate family out to dinner afterward to celebrate. It's not really a typical wedding so your FH would be happy, but you still get to celebrate and you could still dress up, have a photographer, ect. However, you've already put down a deposit on the venue so...are you ok with losing the deposit? Are you ok with maybe eloping and then doing the reception at the venue? I think you just need to sit down with him and let him know the specific things you won't compromise on and ask him what things he can compromise on and then go from there.

He needs to want you to be happy too. I would take pause about him being so insistent to not do something small that would make you happy

You can have a small wedding.

I would be asking him if he wants to marry me and if so then I want a small wedding.

I don't get guys like this. My FH would so anything to make me happy. Not that I'm planning a huge big deal but he would be on board if that made me

Happy.

I feel like you are making a lot of the compromises, and he is just saying no wedding. From what you said, I don't see much compromise on his end. That's not fair and would be a big problem for me. Not sure I have any advice for you, but I'm sorry you are going through this. All I can think of is if he won't compromise with you at all on this, what other things will he not be willing to compromise on. Definitely talk it out. Communication will be key here.

You say he is more important to you than the wedding, but do you feel like he is giving you the same consideration? It feels like he's putting his foot down instead of trying to see what he can do to compromise.

You two seriously need to talk. Pre-marital counseling might help so that you can both air how you feel in a safe space and hopefully get on the same page.

What doesn't he like about a wedding? I think his answer will solve a lot of the issues here.

How about a small intimate ceremony at a park, then dinner at a nice restaurant with all of your guests?

Yes, weddings cost money no matter how big or small.

I wanted a tiny guest list, FH wanted a large one. FH wanted flowers, I didn't.

So, our compromise was a larger guest list, and I got the bouquets and centerpieces I wanted.

FH wanted a traditional frosted cake, so I got to pick the majority of flavors.

This is how compromise works. It's not all one persons decision.

It's about you two. TWO. Meaning it can't be his way or the highway.

If that's truly the case you definitely need some counseling.

As noted up thread- relationships are about compromise and finding a way to get what you need AND make the other person happy- meeting in the middle- or giving up something you want to make the other person happy. It's all about give and take and compromise.

Each of you should list what is most important to you in a wedding. Like the top three things. Is it having your family, is it not spending more than $xxxx. Find out where those lists differ and see how you can each accommodate.

For example, you said he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on one day, and that you have it down to a budget of $10K. As far as weddings go, $10K isn't a lot of money, you're right. But to him, if he's just thinking "OMG TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" it certainly IS a lot of money. Maybe he'd feel better if you agreed to half and just have your immediately family, an officiant, and go out to dinner afterwards. You get your family, he gets to feel like you spent a reasonable amount of money.

The point is, you need to figure out what both of you MUST have and what you can do to meet each other there.

If I were his mother i'd be kicking his ass in the proverbial sense and tell him he needs to make his girl happy.

May be old fashioned but that's how I feel.

And if he's being such a stickler about this I wouldn't marry him until counseling happens. He can't have it all his way and expect you to suck it up.

My gut feeling is there is something much larger going on here than not agreeing how many guests to have at a wedding. Do you often find yourself being the one to make the bigger "compromise"? Do you tend to do what he would prefer more often than not? Are there other instances where he separates you from your immediate family? When you tell him he is hurting your feelings, does he try to do things differently to make sure he is not hurting your feelings or does he continue to do what he knows is making you feel bad?

May I ask how long have you guys been engaged? Thinking maybe he hasn't had much time for things to sink in. Did you guys ever talk about marriage/wedding-related things. I wonder if you ever voiced this idea to him before.

Good suggestions mentioned above. The only other thing I could add is maybe push the wedding date back some more. Gives you time to talk more without having to continue booking things (or not) and potentially losing deposits. This is a good example of how you guys will handle conflict in the future. You need to be able to get to a middle ground. Good luck OP.

Hi there,


I am not sure are still on this, but I am in the same exact situation you were in. I’d love to hear how your situation played out. I am having the hardest time trying not to compromise on everything. I’d love some advice! Thank you!

View Quoted Comment 👋🏽 try a micro wedding. Smaller, cheaper. Or rent out a really nice restaurant. Get a prefix menu. A small wedding cake and call it the day.