Feeling uncomfortable with future in-laws due to different backgrounds and I'm worried about other things

It sounds like they're incredibly generous.

Well, I’m not sure if this information will help
lr not but thought I would share. My ex in laws were rich but they were very generous when it came to buying my kids toys or clothes. I was raised by a single mother and my grandmother. They e worked hard all their lives. They really spent quality time with my kids. They got in the back yard and played ball, taught them how to bake and garden. Sat down and played board games or card games. My kids loved both sets of grandparents but they always talked about how much more fun my moms house was. They received the attention that kids crave. So, have your parents spend quality time with future children. In the end that’s what they will remember the memories of what they did together versus the new toy.

I was was raised quite a bit like you, work hard and pay for your own way. However, along the way I was taught by others that if someone wants to do something nice for you...let them. Most people wouldn’t offer it if they didn’t want to. Just be respectful and appreciate of such amazing gifts that others care enough about you that they offer such items.

As as for the house, I kind of understand that being a hard spot. On one hand I say take it and think of it as a wedding gift. However, if you really don’t feel comfortable with such a large gift maybe you can still take it and offer to pay them
back once you pay off some of your other debt. You are about to be apart of their family and it sounds like they are welcoming you into it.

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They seem to be. But, at the same time I don't know if they would be the types to hold things against me later on. I don't like being beholden to others and I try to avoid taking major forms of help espeically since I had to get from FAFSA for college and there were was a period when my family had to get government assistance when my father was laid off from work and also some help later on before my mom could get her SSDI. I've felt shame getting help in the past and I try to avoid it as much as I can.

View Quoted Comment I almost mentioned whether or not they may hold it over you later. That's always my fear because I was raised in a household where literally any and every act of kindness was used against me later for manipulation or guilting/control.

That would be of major concern. The only thing that I would definitely not have an issue with is them starting a fund for future kids. Everything else I'd be questioning, personally. Maybe they really are just that generous.

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I don't believe my parents spending quality time with kids wouldn't be equal to generous gifts from my in-laws like help with college and other things. Many kids in general tend to favor people who give them very nice things and they may not care if one set of grandparents teaches them things or plays with them. I don't want my parents to feel like crap because they can't give my future kids nice gifts and opportunties.

I don't really feel I will ever be a part of the their family because of the differences in our backgrounds. I don't want to take their financial help for housing because I feel it somethings my fiancee and I should do on own.

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I'm not comfortable with them starting a fund for my future kids because it will make my parents look bad and like failures. I would want my kids to view my parents and her parents as equals. Unfortunately, in this world money has more power and influence and I fear my kids won't love my parents that much since society already favoritism of the maternal side.

View Quoted Comment It's up to you to instill those morals and ideas into your children- they learn what YOU teach them.
I think boundaries may be helpful for you. Trips and gifts are nice but if you don't feel comfortable accepting help with purchasing a new home then politely decline. Let them know you love them and appreciate it but wish to do this on your own as a couple. They should respect that.
For children- starting a college fund is a luxury most can't afford but if you make too much for your kids to qualify for FAFSA but not enough to outright pay for their college then you may regret declining their offer down the line (just something to consider.) I think it's important to Express your concerns to your partner now, beforehand. Then, set boundaries with your in laws. If you worry about spoiling the kids then set ground rules (ie: not going out every time they visit, no "just because" gifts, etc. These are just vague and loose examples.)
I also think encouraging and expressing gratitude with your parents will go a long way (both now and after children- especially in front of your children.)
I think there are some issues in your viewpoint: your parents looking like failures because they can't afford as much. This is unfair and untrue, and I'm sure you know that. However, you wrote it. Not "they will think or feel that they are" but that "it will."
Best of luck

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I want to help pay for college expenses for my kids. I don't want to my future in-laws to help because I don't want them to overshadow my parents too much. My parents won't be able to have a major impact on my kids' lives due to not having much money. Like I said before we live in a society that gives more credit to help with money. My mom is disabled and her condition will worsen and I fear she won't have much time with my kids while my future mother-in-law will have more time with them. It kills me that my parents wont' really have much influence on my kids' lives. My dad won't be able to afford to take them on nice vacations to Disney World or Universal studios. My future-in-laws already have grandchildren from my fiancee's older siblings. They take those kids to Disney every year for a week and then they take them to plays, music performances, movies, and bunch of other outings. It kills me that my kids will end up getting all those things from her parents while my parents will end up being seen as the "poor grandparents".

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Expressing gratitude won't do much in front of my future kids. Kids will realize that my parents weren't able to do a lot for me. They'll figure out why I had to take loans to pay for college and they will likely find otut that my parents never took my brother and I on vacations meanwhile, their mom's parents gave her tons of experiences.

Do you want to marry the woman you are engaged to? If yes then try not to let the family fortunes or lack thereof affect the present day.

Always talk with FW about how you're feeling. You are worrying about who your non-existent kids will love more. That is needless worry. Try setting boundaries about what gifts and help you feel are appropriate. It is fine accepting gifts and help. It only becomes a problem when they become expectations, you need them to get by, or have strings attached.

This family seems to genuinely care for you. Let them. It doesn't mean you have to take every offer they extend.

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I talk to my FW, but she has a hard time trying to understand where I'm coming from. There are times I feel she looks down on my parents because they can't do the things her parents can. My parents have welcomed her into the family, but it's difficult because she's not used to dining at cheap places for lunch or receiving handmade crafts from my mom. She's used to much nicer things and it's hard for her to expect me to accept gifts from her parents, yet she has a hard time trying to get know my family.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry to say but you are gravely mistaken about the way children view grandparents & money. Children will view all these things the way you teach them to. This is 100% on the parents. I’m not sure where you got the idea that children care about money, but I assure you that’s not the case when you raise them well & instill right values in them. Your FW should be the proof, as she was raised with money but she must be a good person since you decided to marry her.

It sounds like you have a lot of insecurities around not coming from money. Why is that? Your FW parents are not rejecting you because you are not wealthy, so why are you rejecting them because they are? Enjoy the experiences that are offered to your FW & you, while also continuing to work hard, as you say you do, for your family & your future. You are only 35, you have whole life ahead of you to travel, go to concerts etc. I think you might be over analyzing this & stressing yourself out for no reason.

So, as someone who had wealthy grandparents on one side, and not remotely as wealthy grandparents on the other...
The wealthy grandparents gave me nice Things. They never spent time with me, they didn't even meet me until I was 2, they openly favored my cousins for bigoted reasons (no, seriously, because they had blonde hair), but they gave me American Girl Dolls, and expensive clothes and, and, and....
And my other grandparents were at every Grandparents' Day at school, every show I did, every holiday, on days when I was sick and my parents couldn't get a sitter, random fun days to just go to a movie - all the times that matter.

Your FILs may very well also spend time with your kids, but I ask you - which of those grandparents do you think I actually felt loved me? Whose pictures are sitting on my TV stand, and will be honored in the "Missing Loved Ones" at the wedding?
I know they often felt like they couldn't compete, financially, but kids don't think about that. They think about who just played 15 rounds of "spit" with them, who sat and read to them, who stroked their hair as they zonked out after a long day of fun. Your parents contribution to your future kids' life will not hinge on money, it will hinge on listening and participating and PRESENCE not PRESENTS.

Please, please, find a way to stop feeling guilty about the wealth gap. It's not YOU, it's societal. And your FILs can help, and WANT TO. When they have that kind of money, it's either sit on it, or use it to help their loved ones... you are clearly one of them. You don't have to take everything, but when you reject all of it, you are rejecting one of their love languages. Discuss with you FW the boundaries you want to set about accepting help, because none of us can make it alone, and when we have family that can help, life is just *that* much less stressful.
(To be brutally honest, those wealthy grandparents I mentioned? Left money. Money that helps my father to this day, and even some that helps FH and I... and we are grateful. It just feels awful to know they didn't really know me or care all that much.)

View Quoted Comment Yes...this is how my kids (now adults) view their grandparents. It’s not all about money with kids unless the kids are taught to value that above everything else.

View Quoted Comment All the money in the world doesn't change the part where I felt rejected because of my eye color.
All the money in the world can't make up for losing the grandparents who would come down just to see me and play card games all day and go out to terrible diners and see awkward school plays.

I understand where you're coming from but it seems like this is your insecurity not an issue with your FW or in-laws. You haven't shown that they feel superior to you, only that you feel inferior to them. You haven't said that they've put your parents down because of their circumstsnces but you have had only negative things to say. Tney did the best they could and instilled a great work ethic in you. Whats wrong with that?

Children will learn what you teach them. If you teach them the value of a dollar and hard work that's what they'll learn to appreciate. Don't let your insecurities get in the way of your future children's education or experiences. Some people are generous and have the means to gift some great things. Thats what makes them happy and how they show their love. There is value in traveling just as there is value in spending quality time with kids playing board games or teaching them how to cook. Why are you marrying your FW? Has she complained about eating at cheaper places with your parents? It seems like she must have some great qualities despite coming from money, just as you have great qualities not coming from money. Seriously, dont let your hangups get in the way of a great relationship because it could cause problems down the line.

From everything I've read/skimmed, it sounds like you're the one with the problem, not them. They sound very nice and generous. Maybe they would hold some of this stuff against you-talk to your fiancé about this. Ask her opinion on it. She grew up with them. Just because people have a lot of money, doesn't mean they're bad people or look down on others. It also doesn't mean that your kids will think one set of grandparents are better than the other because of wealth. You can teach them otherwise. I kind of wonder if your parents raised you to think wealthy people look down on others or what their views on them were. Like others have said, it's all about what you do with kids, not what you spend on them

Might be an unpopular opinion here, but just a few things to point out:
1) these future children of yours are also your wife’s future children! It’s not completely up to you if her parents start a college fund for them or not! This is an incredibly nice gesture that I’m sure they have also done for their other grandchildren. You keep mentioning how this will prevent them from loving your parents just as much... but kids won’t even understand they have a college fund until they are getting ready to go to college.

2) in your original post you stated how hard it was to go through college with no financial help. WHY would you turn down an opportunity to make this even a little easier on your kids? Your basically saying that you want them to have college debt because you don’t think they will also love your parents.

3) again accepting help isn’t completely up to you here! You are getting married and it’s a partnership with your fw. Her parents are offering to help with the purchase of a home, in what I imagine would be money towards a down payment, plenty of people get this kind of help, and it’s very generous. Do you really want to start your life together off with more hardship just because you don’t want to accept their gift?

I agree completely with what ASMini said. Also when I was growing up my mom's family had more money than my dad's. My mom had one brother growing up, then her parents who were also divorced. But my uncle and my grandfather on that side also set up a college fund for me. My parents were able to also help, but I was grateful to my relatives for doing that. My dad's side where farmers and didn't have the money to do that, my dad was the youngest of 6. I love both sets of grandparents equally. And I think it's very generous of her parents to want to help with yours and FW buying a home. That's very kind of them. My mom's dad and my parents have offered to help us with a downpayment for a house after the wedding. We are very appreciative of it. I have asked if my FH has a problem with it and he has expressed he has no problem with it and appreciates the generosity.

View Quoted Comment I can tell you for a fact that kids will always favor the grandparents who take the time to play games in the yard or build blanket forts over the new toy. My kids (ages 4 and 1) much favor my mom over FH parents. FH mom will send them new toys in the mail and call and ask if they like it. They’re happy for 5 minutes, but then they’ve forgotten that new toy. My mom will make the 4 hour drive to spend time with them, go outside and throw or kick a ball, take walks, color with chalk and build blanket forts and make hot wheels tracks out of cardboard. Now don’t get me wrong, they love both sets of grandparents, but when I tell them that FH mom is coming to visit it’s not a big deal to them. When I tell them my mom is coming to visit, they scream and cheer and sit in front of the window,quite literally, all day waiting for her car to pull in. So don’t let that worry you. Your future kids will love your parents just for spending the quality time with them.