Eloping

I definitely wouldn’t surprise him. I would suggest that you sit down and really get on the same page as each other for your future together. It sounds like he doesn’t really want to be married. Is that something that’s a deal breaker for you? Have you two ever considered couples counseling? It might be helpful to have an impartial third party work with the two of you on communicating what your wants are so you can come to a decision.

Is he afraid of the commitment of marriage? Since you did everything backwards before being married, he feels like it is necessary at this point.

I agree with Sarah that you shouldn't surprise him. You mentioned that he feels like you're already married, and that may be why he doesn't feel as though you need anything extravagant to sign a marriage certificate and make it official. It also seems as though he's the type of person who doesn't mind being with someone and living a "married" life without the paperwork ever actually being signed. You're the type of person who would rather have the paperwork signed and want to actually say you're married and have a wedding, or at least a ceremony. None of this means that you guys can't continue to be together, but you'll have to find a middle ground. Maybe you guys don't really ever have a big celebration, but at the very least he can give in and let you have a small elopement to have more of an actual ceremony. I also agree with Sarah that couples counseling might be a good choice for you both to be able to talk these things out and have a mediator to help find that compromise.

I would definitely not do a surprise elopement. I totally understand him feeling like you're already married. My husband and I felt the same way and that the wedding was just a formality. Do you feel like he's 100% committed to you and your relationship? Some people just don't like weddings or the word marriage. I have a very close friend who does not want to get married even though she's been with her fiance for 20 years, they are totally committed to each other and they own a house together.


If getting married and having a wedding is important to you, and it sounds like it is, you need to have a heart to heart with him to see what his hesitation is and if he could commit to a date.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely feel he’s committed but I hate that my last name is different from my kids and I hate that if something were to happen to him I have no say in the matter because it isn’t legal. If he were to get sick tomorrow and end up in some coma or something (obviously not likely but you never know) I wouldn’t have any day legally what happens to him his mother and father would and while I love his dad his mother hasn’t been involved in our lives but she would totally be the kind to come in and do whatever she wants and not talk to me through any of it..I don’t even want some big ceremony I just wanted him and I and my grandfather/officiant to sign the darn papers so I could change my name legally. And I understand some people don’t like the word marriage and things but if he didn’t want me to marry him but wanted to be with me forever why didn’t he specify that at an earlier time? I mean I won’t leave him or our relationship over it for sure however it does bother me to a degree that he leads me on and says “someday” if he has no intentions on acting on that someday. I do believe he wants to make me happy and I don’t want to rush him into anything but It puts me at an odd position because our friends and family constantly ask me when the big day is and I always tell them it will happen someday and they understand but they know I’m bothered by it (I’m not the best at hiding my emotions). I guess all in all the real thing that bothers me is he promised me one thing and then just doesn’t ever want to move forward and I guess that’s fine but at the same time it’s hard to just let it go because every time the word wedding or marriage comes up it makes me feel like I want to cry because it’s just not I’m the cards for me even though I have no plans of leaving or changing my situation because well I love him and my life. All I wanted is to be able to say that’s my husband and be A payne (that’s his last name). And while I could just go legally change my name it just feels wrong because he asked to marry me so I don’t see why we can’t just sign the marriage documents…idk I’m just lost

View Quoted Comment This doesn’t solve how you’re feeling, but you absolutely should look into assigning each other as power of attorney and healthcare proxy for yourselves so that you can be the one that makes decisions in the event of a medical issue.

View Quoted Comment You are 100% right. If it's not the commitment that he's afraid of then getting married shouldn't be such an issue. Especially since you have kids together. You, and they, need the protections that come with your being married. Anything, like an accident, can happen at any time and life can change in a heartbeat so yeah you do need this legalized. I hope he will listen and understand where you're coming from.

I hope so to even if it is just us getting papers signed in blue jeans and stuff that’s fine I just had bought a cheap dress because I wanted it to be the tiniest bit more special than an everyday thing

The red flag to me in your original post is that he keeps telling you he wants to get married but when you make the efforts to move forward, he gets upset and puts a stop to the action and wants to be engaged forever. That’s not how a wedding and marriage works.


Many couples are committed to each other but they have no plans to marry. However you and he need to get on the same page ASAP instead of being strung along. Either commit to a wedding with a definite time frame of when you will make it legal and make it happen no matter what or if he still has cold feet, maybe you need to decide to move on to someone who will be on the same timeline with you.

It sounds like he is stringing you along and has no plans to actually get married. After almost six years of being engaged the idea he feels pressured is ridiculous. But you have to decide if you are okay with the status quo and from the sounds of it you're not. My concern is that over time you're going to resent his decision or that something awful is going to happen and you and your family will be at the mercy of his parents because you have no legal say. Either way it doesn't sound good for your family. Also as your children grow they might also wonder why mommy and daddy never got married and you might want to consider how'd you answer such a question without making it all daddy's fault. I know my husband's cousin and his fiancee have been engaged for years and every once in awhile the topic comes up with their children.

Yeah it last definitely complicated. I mean he sounds genuine in the fact that we will marry in a year or two but it’s hard to feel confident in that since it’s been so long