Do i have to give nieces and nephews a plus one?

Stand firm with your brother that children do not belong at a winery. This is also not his family reunion.

No ma'am stand your ground. Its your day.

How old are your nieces and nephews? It doesn't sound like it if you are calling them kids, but if any of them are out of school, and mature adults in a long term relationship, then you do need to invite them with their partners. Same goes for your other adult guests. And if this is a destination wedding for everyone then all your single adult guests deserve travel companions.

Most wineries don’t allow anyone on the premises who is under 21, period. Set and maintain boundaries now in all situations or people will walk all over you. It sounds like these are all under 18? Plus ones are random strangers invited to entertain unattached single guests and you are never required or obligated to invite any because they are not partners of your guests. Children do not require plus ones.

How old are these nieces and nephews? You say kids, but then say they need plus ones, so I am confused.

Anyone that is over 18 and has a partner should be invited with their partner, including your friend.

Presumably the winery does allow children if OP is planning to invite them. I don' t know why a winery venue is any less appropriate than any other wedding venue where alcohol is served, ie almost all of them. My guess is the rules are different when you are just renting out the facility than they are during the day for tastings etc. It goes without saying that it's the parents responsibility to supervise.

You only need to invite partners of anyone that identifies as being in a relationship. How old are these "kids'?

View Quoted Comment So did I mention that this is a second wedding and we’ve been together for over 9 years and it was supposed to be a very small and intimate event (I can’t see my original post)? Most of the kids are still in school and none are the level of maturity I wanted at our wedding, but I was told I was a horrible person and caved and invited them and I’ve regretted it ever since. Now my brother and mother say I should at least allow ONE of them to bring their significant other but then that will lead to more AND the adults didn’t want get plus ones because it’s a small venue (my brother also asked why I booked such a small venue). I don’t want random people in pictures. Maybe I’m horrible, but my first wedding was dictated by parents because they were paying. Everything I’ve read about second weddings seems to be different than first weddings.

If any of your guests are over 18 and have a significant other, then yes, you should be inviting their partner as a named guest (that’s not a plus one). It doesn’t matter if they’re your niece or friend or whomever. If these are children under 18, then they do not need a plus one or guests because they are already named guests attending with their parents. You will have the opportunity to take photos with specified groups of people, ie just you and groom, you and bridal party, you and parents, etc. whatever combo you want. These will be the bulk of the photos you get back anyway, so I wouldn’t stress about the other guest photos.

View Quoted Comment YES. ALL OF THIS

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You did mention, but that doesn't matter. You've agreed to host these people, therefore you need to be gracious to them. You can't expect them to come celebrate your union while also disrespecting theirs by not inviting their partners.

In future I would just avoid saying yes to things when you really mean no.

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When you say adults didn't get +1s do you mean single adults or all adults regardless of the relationship? Are you also excluding spouses, fiancees, live in SOs and mature couples who consider themselves a social unit? Because while I don't think you need to lose too much sleep over HS or college age BFs and GFs of nieces or nephews who are not financially independent, the latter would be an extreme violation of etiquette to the point that you really need to rethink your venue.

This being your second wedding has nothing to do with it.

What I've learned through the wedding process, is that family comes out of the woodwork with ALL kinds of thoughts about your wedding. But guess what? It's YOUR WEDDING. My ceremony is not traditional in any way. So I have had to stand firm with people on so many items: yes we expect you to wear something fabulous to fit the theme, no I will not order a cake no matter what you say, yes we will be writing our own vows, no we are not allowing little kids.

It can be hard or uncomfortable at first to have these conversations with certain people. But you clearly have a vision for what you want, and you and your partner agreed upon it. So my advice is that when a family member starts demanding certain things that don't fit your vision, you simply have to respond with, "Sorry but we aren't going to go down that route. We were intention in the way we structured this wedding because we want it to feel like X, Y, Z. So we will not be able to accommodate this thing you're asking for. We realize this may not look like some other weddings you might have been to before, and that's ok, we are being purposeful with each element to have the wedding we want."

You're paying. Not your brother. You're getting married. Not your brother. You decide what your wedding looks like. Not your brother.

I had to tell my parents that in no way shape or form would they suddenly be allowed to invite a table full of friends, because I couldn't pick any of them out of a lineup and none of them are a part of my life nor do they really know anything about me. It's a wedding, not a reunion. My Dad was indignant about it. But I'm the one scrimping and saving, and shelling out 30k for this thing (good grief, the money! haha).

View Quoted Comment This is all completely correct. All adult guests who have significant others should be invited together. It doesn’t matter how long they have been in a relationship, whether they live together, whether you have met them, etc. Couples are considered social units, and should always be invited to weddings together. Leaving out a significant other is rude and improper etiquette – it is essentially you requesting people to come celebrate your relationship, while simultaneously disregarding and disrespecting theirs. So yes, if these nieces and nephews are adults in a relationship, then their partners need to be included. If these are minors, then I wouldn’t worry about extending the invite to the SOs, as they would be included on the invitation with their parents.

View Quoted Comment When my family demanded we invite the kids we had to modify the guest list and removed all plus ones except for someone who’s been together for 8 years and someone who needed a companion for medical purposes because there wasn’t enough room. I never would ever have invited people without plus ones if there had been room. The kids have been out at their own table of 6 and there are 7 of them. The guest list ranges from mid 40s to 80s and the original plan was only to invite of age “kids” and she would have gotten her plus one but that wasn’t good enough.

View Quoted Comment At this point I see where I went wrong - I should have asked if I had to invite nieces and nephews to a small formal second wedding before I was steamrolled lol. Thx for the kind words.

View Quoted Comment Best advice ever because I’ve been bitter ever since we had to add all the people that we hadn’t planned on inviting. 7 on one side made the other side demand more and there goes all the space at the venue.

View Quoted Comment That is when and why you set firm boundaries and stick to them. There are certain things that you don’t budge on. If they are not willing to comply with your rules, they decline. You say no repeatedly, hang up the phone, walk away, whatever you need to do to get the point across that you are not playing. They have no right to bully you unless you allow it, which you did when you changed your plans to keep them happy and not keeping what you wanted. There is a middle ground but it is not present here. If you do not set firm boundaries and maintain them with fiancé as a united front, these same people will make demands of you that are not their business after the wedding and bully you until you comply: deciding where you live and work, where and when you spend holidays, how future children are raised and when they visit, and so on. Stop this behavior of theirs now before it escalates out of control.

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No, you should have decided whether or not to invite nieces and nephews and then stuck to your decision, particularly if it also meant being unpardonably rude and excluding guests with SOs. That's where you went wrong. An older couple getting married for the second time and hosting their own wedding does not "have to" listen to anyone trying to dictate the guest list.

Ummmmm, no one can make you invite anyone to your wedding. If you don’t want kids, say that and yes stand your ground. It’s your day that you are paying for! don’t let anyone make you feel bad or stress you out about your day.