Dealing With Bridesmaid: Little Lengthy

I went through something similar where my MOH turned out to be a different person after the engagement. It took a while to learn because I value her as a friend but now, ive realized that wasn’t a friend. Your wedding season is about celebrating you. Give her the space and ignore her comments. Do what the majority of your party wants to do, don’t cater to her that’s what she wants. Ironic how she’s making it about her when it shouldn’t be. Talk to your FH about the meaning of that relationship. Do you need her in your life? She’s apparently not there for you now. Supporting the bride is about doing what she needs, even if that’s space, time, help or just someone to listen to. It’s great how wedding really show you who your real friends are. Some people drift away, other become closer when you least imagine it; This is a moment where you need your friends the most. Take advantage of those good friendships.

Hey, sorry to hear you're going through all of that. It's a shame.

It sounds like BM1 is all about passive aggressive behavior and making it about her with a heavy dose of martyr complex.

My recommendation is to find ways to not accept invites to her pity parties or entertain her passive aggressive comments. Have a conversation with your MOH and make a plan how you guys will respond when (not if) she behaves this way in the future. Be clear with MH1 when she makes a passive aggressive comment how it affects you and how you would prefer she handle the situation. If that reasonable request turns into her having a tantrum, it sounds like it won't be a loss to suggest a break and reconsider the friendship.

I would do some soul searching and seriously consider if you want to keep having these issues with her at your wedding or in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc.

Don't focus on trying to get her to play nice or explaining to her that the MOH is actually a good person - why is that your responsibility? Focus on telling her how this behavior is stressing you out and putting a strain on your friendship and wedding. Do it in the moment when she shows this behavior. Build boundaries. If she doesn't care about any of that, then that's a serious problem. This is good practice for when co-workers, friends, and family try to play the same games.

Good luck, I hope it all gets resolved!

I would definitely approach her regarding your feelings on this. what you don’t want happening is her bringing all this negativity to your wedding day. I wouldn’t give her an ultimatum right away (“if you do this again, you won’t be in the bridal party”), but I would just talk to her and see if there is anything that is truly bothering her and hopefully she will be honest about her feelings. If the behavior continues after you have a honest chat with her, then I think the conversation about her not being in the bridal party can start.

View Quoted Comment

Thank you for reading!!

I've spoken to my FH and BM2 about it, and they both feel like it stems from jealousy of mine and my MOH's friendship. Which makes sense. She has a best friend that is also close friends with another girl, and BM1 hates the close friend. When she complains to me about her, it reminds me of the way she acts about my MOH. She's definitely been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, but since my engagement I feel like she's making me choose between her and my MOH, and doesn't get that I have more than one friend lol. She's also made comments about how my MOH is bougie, and when I do things or like things my MOH would like, she then picks on me and makes snide comments about that. I've told her that people have more than one side to them, and I have many interests, so it's not as if I'm changing myself to impress my MOH or something.

Thank you for your response, it was helpful! I'm just the type of person that wants everyone to get along, and my MOH really is the sweetest person and I wish BM1 could see that. It also hurts because MOH knows the BM1 doesn't like her, and she's expressed to me that she doesn't know what she's done to receive that negative energy she puts off.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks Jen! I have to remind myself that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone gets along, and it's not my job to convince BM1 that the MOH isn't a bad person. I've been distancing myself from BM1, and I'll start working on not allowing her passive aggressive behavior affect me or anyone else.

I really do love her as a friend, and if it's not wedding talk (which I don't do often with her), or anything considering the MOH, then she's perfectly fine. She's just really good at playing nice and acting like everything's fine, and when we confront her and ask her if she's okay, she lies and goes back to making comments.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks for the response Hannah!

I've spoken with her and asked her how the trip went, if she had a good time or if anything else was bothering her, and she said she thought it went well and nothing was wrong. She's not honest about her feelings with anyone, but loves to make it known afterwards that she wasn't happy. She's actually said herself that she'll be nice at the wedding, which I should just take and leave, but it's difficult for me when I know she hates my MOH for essentially no reason. I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want her to fake being happy because I know it's a lie, and I'd rather he be honest with everyone about how she feels, or at least tell us why she feels that way.

View Quoted Comment Did you specifically ask her about why she has negative feelings towards the MOH? I mean, it’s not really your job to get in between that, but I’m just curious if she has addressed her disdain for the MOH with you.

View Quoted Comment

She's told me specifically that she thinks the MOH is self centered, snooty, thinks the world revolves around her, inconsiderate of others' budgets etc. I even told her that more than likely it boiled down to miscommunication in the group text. MOH is a night shift nurse, so she isn't on her phone as much as we are and isn't the great at texting because of that. I've even read some of the messages the BM has send to me, and I knew from the get go that it was just miscommunication, or some situations a text was missed, and I explained that to her

. She had told me before the trip that she'd play nice and how I should be grateful to have her as a friend that's willing to be nice to the MOH, and I didn't even know what to say to that besides: "haha yeah...okay..." Regardless of what I or anyone else does or says to her, I think she has her opinion of the MOH laid in stone and won't budge, so I have to deal with that and just make sure she's nice to the MOH and not unnecessarily mean to her. But I'm just exhausted by all of the side comments and negativity directed towards me as if I did something wrong.

View Quoted Comment

Good luck! It's a tricky situation.

Just find that sweet spot of honesty when she's bringing negativity into your friendship. You should be able to say you don't like something if she's really your friend. And remember that just because she's been a good friend in the past when you needed it and can be a good friend some of the time doesn't justify her making you feel bad or throwing shade at your other friends to try and make herself feel better - you need to be honest with her and yourself that you don't like it. A person being kind does not entitle them to you indulging their bad behavior in silence. And I'm not suggesting she's a bad person - lots of good people just lack social awareness or are insecure. But these people especially need boundaries in your life.

Know your value, be honest when she's treating you bad. Gently and kindly call her out on it; turn her attention to what you want her to be doing instead by telling her what you need.

Whatever you do, be honest while it's still small - it doesn't have to be a huge confrontation or a heated blow out. If she gets into the habit of knowing she can insult you or guilt you about other friendships whenever she feels like it, it will continue and it may get worse instead of better. Distance or walking on egg shells is a temporary solution band aid over an infected wound. I encourage you to nip it in the bud now; it could save the friendship and deepen it. At the very least, I've seen and experienced that trying to put up those boundaries years later is a LOT harder than starting early because people get set in their ways.

You got this! Sending positive wishes and all the best for a happy and harmonious bridal party and wedding!!!

View Quoted Comment Ugh that is a hard personality type to deal with! I would tell her straight up that it doesn’t matter what she thinks about the MOH, but it does matter that she is making unnecessary comments that bring down the energy of the whole group. I would gently and politely ask her to stop making those comments because it’s putting you in an uncomfortable position between two friends you care about.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks for all of your advice and feedback! I have to also remember that as long as I brush it off or keep silent to save on drama, I'm just as guilty by letting it continue. I need to be more honest with how I feel and how her actions affect me emotionally and mentally.

View Quoted Comment

So true! I have to remember to be honest and open about how I feel, and express that in a respectful way, even if it means she gets mad at me in the process.

View Quoted Comment

Wow, she said that? I'm sorry to chime in, but that's seriously messed up.

//pulls out the soap box//

Let me get this straight: YOU should feel grateful to HER for basic human level politeness to a person who has only been kind to her? And she is doing you this tremendous FAVOR as a "FRIEND?"

That is every kind of messed up. I would have responded with, "Why?"

Asking a friend to be polite to your MOH is *not* a big ask.

When you respond with "haha yeah...okay..." you're inviting her to exhaust you with more side comments and negativity and drama - she knows she can get away with it and manipulate you to humor her moods.

It sounds more and more like the reason this "friend" was so great and normal before she became a bridesmaid was because other people weren't around to witness the way she has been speaking to you and treating you.

What other "favors" has her friendship entailed?

How else does she speak to you?

Is she actually supportive, or is she just supportive enough to keep you around and willing to deal with attitude and her treating you badly? All the while trying to convince you that your friends are awful, so you'll stop being around them and will only be interested in her (ruining your life/getting rid of your positive friends is fine as long as she gets what she wants; your attention)? Insulting you and throwing drama at you to keep you unbalanced and uncertain so that deep down, you always come back to her to try and solve or "fix" or make peace between you two?

All those behaviors are textbook toxic friend tactics.

Be careful and be aware that someone treating you like everything you've described is not normal or acceptable friend behavior. No friend has the right to insult you, make you beg and plead for normal levels of politeness (least of all when you are the bride and she is your bridesmaid!!!), or exhaust you for the sake of their own insecurity.

Be careful, value yourself, don't humor her comments anymore, don't beg her for good/normal behavior - that doesn't sound like a friend, that sounds like an emotional parasite pretending to be a friend.

Sorry, off the soap box - but do be careful.

View Quoted Comment

No reason to be sorry Jen!

FH has told me that my biggest mistake was trying to brush off her comments and I should've responded to them when it first started, and I agree, I'm also at fault by allowing her behavior to continue this far.

Besides her attitude towards the MOH and comments towards me, she is fine. Which brings me to believe that it really is rooted in her jealousy of mine and my MOH's friendship, because she has nothing negative to say about my other friends that I'm also close with. I wish I knew exactly why she's jealous or what created it because besides making my MOH the MOH, I've done nothing to show that I care more about one person over the other.

The comment she made about being grateful she was doing a favor really caught me off guard and I wasn't expecting to it, so I definitely didn't respond the way I should have. Instead of brushing it off, I should have reacted and told her I didn't appreciate the comment. She takes things so personally and often the wrong way, which is another reason why I've been too passive with her regarding her attitude. But I need to value myself and my feelings, and stand up for myself and my MOH when she lashes out.