Couples therapy is ruining our relationship

Yikes. Find a different therapist. I am currently in grad school for clinical psychology, and yeah.... that's not how therapy is supposed to work. The clinician is supposed to be a neutral 3rd party. She shouldn't be taking anyone's side. She is supposed to listen to the clients and ask questions to get the clients to get a better understanding of the issues. In couple's counseling, there is often role play of each person putting him/herself in the other person's shoes. The therapist should be encouraging communication and compromise between the two of you. The homework she assigned can be a good tool to start a conversation about each other's needs, but her comment was unprofessional. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult experience.

Is she actually a licensed psychotherapist? If not, find one. The person you are talking to sounds more like a counselor. They are not the same thing. Get couples therapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks Hannah! I completely agree that a therapist shouldn't take sides. Since our session I've been doing a lot of research and it seems she's what's known as a "Biased Counselor." Because My fiance is the one on the paperwork and making the payments, HE is technically her client instead of US. So no matter what I say she's going to side with him in the end, which makes the therapy completely useless. I just don't know how to approach the subject with my fiance. I know he's happy with the sessions since she's ultimately on his side. He also seems completely blind to the fact that she's driving a wedge between us and trying to split us up. I'm desperate to save our relationship but I'm terrified of the fact that it may be too late.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. Tell your fiance how you feel and what Hannah said about the therapist being neutral

View Quoted Comment

I'm not really sure how to tell the difference.

These are the letters that show up after her name on their site:

LPCC, M.Ed., NCC

and this is her description:

[name] is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor who has more than ten years of experience helping children, families and adults overcome problems. Her expertise includes working with couples and with senior citizens. She is a caring and compassionate therapist who is competent in several approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy, Play/art therapy, Reality and Choice therapy, and Logotherapy. She has special interest and competence in helping children with behavior problems and helping adults with depression or anxiety problems. She welcomes clients with problems related to Autism Spectrum Disorders, ADHD, Sexual Abuse, Mood disorders, Anxiety disorders, family problems, school problems, and behavior problems.

I also forgot to mention, in regards to her being biased, that she called my fiance to come to the session and nearly forgot me. We were both sitting in the waiting area and I was the one sitting closest to the door but when she came to get us she said "Hey K...... and P." She had to quickly tack my name on the end of the sentence as if she forgot that I attend the sessions too. It probably doesn't seem like a significant detail but it was also a red flag for me.

View Quoted Comment

So, yeah, she's not a psychotherapist. You need someone better to be helping you with such a life-changing decision. The fact that she even mentioned that most of the couples she counsels break up after her "compatibility test" suggests that she doesn't take her job seriously.

View Quoted Comment

I completely agree with that. She said it's something called a relationship inventory. I looked it up but what came up seemed a little different then what she was telling us to do. Either way I don't want to go back and I certainly don't want to give her this list she's asking for. I know part of the reason my fiance likes her so much is because she works with people with ASD and we both have Aspergers.

You helped me realize that even her credentials are all wrong for what we're looking for. If nothing else we should be seeing someone with MFT behind their name.

View Quoted Comment

Yes! I can tell you are doing important research. Find a Marriage and Family Therapist who has high reviews. You'll be amazed at how much they can help.

Aside from the therapist, why are you pushing so hard to marry someone who is fighting so hard against it? Are you sure this is the right guy for you?

I didn't want to be the first one to say it, but, yeah, do you think she's telling you what he can't say on his own? I think it's an excellent idea for each of you to get your expectations out. He may be unwilling to budge on the things you need/want in a partner. Therapy will not help a relationship succeed if one person doesn't want to make it work. If you're saying you need x and he's saying he can't give you x and he doesn't even want to talk about w or y, you've got to make a decision. You either accept not getting w, x, and y, or you find someone else who will.

I do think she was unprofessional and isn't a good fit for you because when I read her bio, she's not a marriage counselor, she does art therapy for kids and the elderly and handles depression and anxiety for adults. That why she was surprised you were there. I really hope it works out for you guys.

Have you thought about your expectations or views on counselling? A professional does not take sides and you should not expect her to take yours or his. I think if you are uncomfortable then you should see a counsellor of your choice, on your own. Couples who go for counselling are usually recommended to seek both individual and couples counselling at the same time. Not just one or the other. I think you both would benefit from both types.

Therapy presents you with all available options but perhaps your relationship cannot be saved and the therapist is simply being blunt about it. You can hop from therapist to therapist but be aware that you may get the same suggestions. You can't just quit either when someone is not agreeing with you all the time and expect that things will change. You haven't given her the chance to put both lists of relationship needs side by side.

While I get your feelings - if it were me, I would keep going.. atleast for the session where the lists will be revealed. You could gain so much insight from what your fiancé needs/wants and vice versa. Contrary to other advice here, I think your expectations have a big role in your views of this professional as well. If you both go into it thinking that you are always right and the other is wrong or being rigid in general, yes you might as well end it because relationships require compromise. The methods this person is using is questionable but I also think she is being very honest with both of you.

View Quoted Comment If there is anything you take from what people tell you here OP, the questions posed in this quote is something.

I’m curious to know what your fiancé stated on the paperwork. While this therapist sounds unprofessional, seems odd her solution right from the. beginning is to break up- this had to have come from somewhere.

Okay wow there is a LOT to unpack here!
Let's start with the obvious, the therapist clearly isn't professional and isn't a couple's therapist. So while you could try a different one your fiance will clearly either fight that or back out. It just sounds like she's never counseled a couple before and doesn't know what she's doing.
But second, I am really sorry but your fiance definitely does not want to marry you. You should honestly just leave him, he's got cold feet, and there's really no excuse for him to have this chronic backing out problem. What are you going to do when you both committ to something and he backs out? What if you have kids? You cannot live your life with someone who is so immature and not dependable. Being able to depend on each other is a mandatory part of a marriage you cannot have a healthy relationship without it.
Ultimately you should get a really good personal therapist for yourself and start moving on from this guy. Build a better life for yourself and find someone who actually loves you.

View Quoted Comment Agreed. I’m a therapist. I view couples therapy as an outlet to work thru issues and to see whether or not the issues being brought up can actually be worked thru. The therapist’s role isn’t about taking sides and if you truly feel like she’s aligned with your fiancé, I’d suggest you tell her that. I do wonder, however, if she is trying to share with you information that your fiancé has been trying to communicate with you.

Therapy only really works if folks are open to the process. My hunch is that your therapy experience would be very different if instead of insisting the two of you get married, you looked at it as an opportunity to discuss things and discern whether marriage is a wise step for the both of you. The latter will require humility and risk, which I know is scary to think about. As someone who has gone thru divorce, however, I definitely recommend the latter, rather than forcing you and your fiancé into something you may not be ready for.

Perhaps your therapist is trying to help you see that? If you don’t care for the way she’s doing so, I’d suggest you talk with her. Let her know how you’re feeling and what your end goal is (marriage). She may be able to clarify what she sees her role being. Then you can decide if she’s a good fit for you!

Good luck!

View Quoted Comment

This!

It's what I was thinking! I understand getting nervous and anxious but not the point where I keep backing out of important events. It sounds like this has happened more than once and honestly ya'll are sooooo close to your wedding date that I would end it and call it a day. He is trying to back out too close and that is not fair to you. You keep giving him chance after chance and he is not budging. Like OP said counseling will only work if both parties are 100% in. It doesn't sound like FH is.

You are going to have to make a decision on what is best for you and stop living for him. It is not healthy. Again, like OP said depending on each other in a marriage and a relationship is a MUST. It will not work without it.

There are far more problems here than just counseling sessions.

I would find a different therapist. You can present it in a nice way and point out that it's only fair. You went to the therapist he chose, so now it's time for him to try a therapist that you choose.

View Quoted Comment

Based on her credentials, it appears that she is licensed independently in her state (LPCC - Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor). She is also board certified from the NBCC. So yes, she is a "psychotherapist," which is just a general term for people licensed to provide therapy. it isn't a credential.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this 100%. Sometimes people can love each other very much but not be compatible life partners. It definitely hurts, but if that is the case it's better to realize and accept that now rather than years later after marriage and kids enter the picture. It sounds like the therapist is asking you to take a hard look at your overall compatibility, because sometimes people's needs are just too different for a relationship to work.

Making the list of what you need to be happy in a relationship actually sounds like a good idea, whether you decide to keep seeing this therapist or not. This could be a very eye opening exercise, especially with the relationship issues you have described.

It may just be how the post was worded, but it sounds like you were wanting the therapist to agree with you and push your fiance to go along with what you want. Then you became upset when, after listening to his thoughts and feelings on the issues, she didn't take your side. As the above poster said, it sounds like she's trying to tell you things he's been trying to communicate to you but has either been unsuccessful in doing, or you haven't been listening to him.

It's certainly your right to change therapists if you don't feel comfortable with this one, but saying that therapy is ruining your relationship is completely wrong. It's just making you face the issues that were already present in your relationship, but have been ignored.