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Beginner March 2024

Can you un-bridesmaid someone?

Amanda, on August 13, 2023 at 6:42 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 2 30
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Hello my fellow lovely brides! I need some help. Back when my fiancé and I got engaged, I was getting to know his female best friend (known each other for 16 years) and thought it would be a nice gesture to ask her to be a bridesmaid. So I did. Let’s call her G. G is married to another one of my fiancé’s long time friends. They were the three amigos all through high school and college years. When I asked her, it was about a year to the wedding. At the beginning of 2023, we decided to postpone our wedding due to life circumstances, and our wedding is now in March of 2024. Since then, this bridesmaid and I have had a couple interactions (she lives in Washington) but those interactions have not been great. She and I are like oil and water. I try to be friends but through her actions, it’s clear she doesn’t want to be friends with me.


Safe to say, I’m not exactly relishing the thought of having her in my bridal party. A lot has changed since we postponed the wedding and I don’t feel close to her at all. She only reaches out to me if she wants something, and even when she is in town, she makes no effort to hang out with me or my fiancé. Even my fiancé is confused by her actions. Anyways, to wrap this up: can you un-bridesmaid someone? How does one go about this? Her husband is a groomsman too… or do I need to just include her since it’s all so messy? I’m afraid if I do un-bridesmaid her, she’ll pull her husband out of the wedding and it will ruin the friendship. Thanks in advance!

30 Comments

Latest activity by Emily, on August 29, 2023 at 11:28 AM
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I think the only way to “un-bridesmaid” her without affecting her relationship with your FH, or the possibility of her husband removing himself from the wedding, would be to just not have a wedding party at all.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    It's not really possible to do without really offending her and her husband. Risk would be of losing the friendship.

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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    Removing her as a bridesmaid could unfortunately strain multiple friendships: your friendship with her, your fiance's friendship with her, and her husband's friendship with your fiance. I agree with Cece that the best way to remove her without affecting friendships would be to not have anyone in the wedding party at all. Has your fiance asked her about why she has distanced herself from both you and him? When she is in town, have you or fiance reached out to her to try to meet up?
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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Anthony ·
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    I disagree with everyone above! lol It is your day, no one gets to steal or stain any part of that. If you dont want her in your party, let her know and the reason why, say "give her the Im sorry but its my day." I am not one to be greedy at all, but if there is anytime in your life to be greedy, it would be your wedding.

    If you future husbands best friends cant understand, and accept that without making it about themselves, then how good of a friend are they? One time you should not have to worry about catering for others and their feelings is your wedding day! Its all about you and him.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    It's not just "your day" when you involve other people. Then you have to consider their needs and feelings.

    Think through how people will react and feel when she kicks this person out for doing nothing wrong. She may end up looking like a horrible bride and horrible friend, along with hurting people close to her fiancé. Not a good look.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Most people wouldn’t find one day worth ruining relationships over. And as far as the husband’s friend understanding and accepting kicking out his wife?? I’m sorry, but not supporting his wife would make him a horrible husband. This would be forcing him to choose between one of his best friends and his spouse.



    Amanda- could you maybe call this person under the guise of just “checking in” with ALL your BMs to make sure everyone still wanted to, and/or were still able to, be part of the wedding party? You could play off the fact that since you postponed you know a lot could have changed in their lives, so you wanted to check in with each of them, see if they still were planning to participate, and make sure they knew that you would be completely understand if they couldn’t. Then you wouldn’t be singling this person out, and you would be giving her the option to step down if she feels the same way you do.
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  • K
    Super September 2023
    Kimberly ·
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    Because of the dynamics involved, I agree with everyone saying to just suck it up and continue with her as a bridesmaid. If she doesn’t like you that much (which sucks coming from a bridesmaid), she will probably opt out of any extra activities like the bachelorette, so you really won’t end up spending much time with her anyway. I would only consider asking her to step down if I caught wind that she was going to actually try something at the wedding, which it doesn’t sound like here. Since she’s also being distant with your fiancé, one of her closest friends, maybe there’s something else going on that has nothing to do with the two of you.
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  • G
    Just Said Yes October 2023
    Gregory ·
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    Have a conversation with your FH about your feelings and the issues your facing. Come to a decision together and have him talk to his friend about the issues. I myself had a similar situation happen and my FW and I decided to make changes to our party, and the ones we removed understood due to the circumstances. Communication is the key. It's not what you say, it's how you say and express it.

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  • L
    Dedicated March 2024
    Laura ·
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    I agree with Gregory. Communication is the key, and you must express how you feel nicely to work things out. If she’s being distant, I don’t think she would care that much to be at the bridal party. You can shorten the number of bridesmaids with any excuse you want because, in the end, they will be at the wedding as guests, so I don’t understand why people make it such a big deal. She’s obviously not excited to be in your bridal. Did you create a group chat already? Plans ? If you haven’t started planning bachelorette and so forth, I recommend not sharing any information with her about it. If she’s interested, she will ask. If not, she will be at your wedding and might be better off as a guest. Wishing you the best in this uncomfortable situation!
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Why would putting the Fiancé into the middle be helpful? She's literally putting her Fiancé between her and his best friend. Ouch.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    How do you see this demotion going well? I just don't think it's going to end as you would imagine.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Clearly you asked her too soon and decided that she needed to be on your side based on her gender. Maybe a rethink is in order!

    Another option would be to have her stand on his side instead of yours. That could be the winning plan.

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  • M
    Just Said Yes November 2024
    Meredith ·
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    I would give her a call and explain that due to the wedding postponement you want to check - in and reset expectations about the bridal party. “Do you still want to be a bridesmaid? I've noticed that you seem distant and I'd like all of the bridesmaids to be very involved and enjoy this time, not have it be a source of stress or extra to-do. I know life can get super busy etc and I want you to know that if this is just a busy time in life right now - I will completely understand if you want to just attend other events with the bridal party without the involvement and commitment of helping to plan and stand in the wedding!”
    See what she says. If she still insists - I suggest you just deal…but if you emphasize her distance and seeming disinterest you may make her uncomfortable enough to gracefully get the hint to bow out. No guarantee though! She may just want to be in to be with her husband on that day. Worth a try though!!
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    The wedding party doesn't need to help plan the wedding though. It's OK for her to get the dress and show up at the wedding.

    I think making her uncomfortable enough to drop out of the wedding is unfair to her. She hasn't done anything wrong.

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  • M
    Just Said Yes November 2024
    Meredith ·
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    The OP has mentioned she doesn't seem to have an interest in being her friend. That she's distant and doesn't make an effort to visit when in town. She obviously wants and expects her bridesmaids to be close and helping to plan and be friendly are reasonable expectations for a bridesmaid. So saying she hasn't done anything “wrong” is not entirely true or the point really. OP wants a nice way to get her out of the party. This is an opportunity to give the bridesmaid the out if she wants it. Which honestly if she's stand off-ish and unavailable and doesn't visit when she's in town etc (not a great friend) it might be that she feels like she said yes so she has to be in it but doesn't want to anymore either.
    How stupid if neither of these women want this anymore to do it just to avoid a slightly awkward conversation.
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  • Olivia
    Just Said Yes June 2025
    Olivia ·
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    I say try making peace with her before completely cutting her off! Have a serious conversation.
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  • L
    Dedicated March 2024
    Laura ·
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    If we all see things more relaxed, meaning being more understanding and taking nothing personally, I would see this world as a better place. There’s no rule that says that you can’t make changes in your wedding, mainly when people have grown apart, most likely they will not be the same anymore. Everyone was assuming I would have my FSIL in my wedding planning and we’re not too close so I had to nicely let everyone know that she’s not. Nowadays, everyone is cool with it. Communication and the way you express things is everything and time is essential too. So yes, I think this “demotion” could turn out to be fine if they know how to handle things and most importantly, people.
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  • C
    November 2024
    Cindy ·
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    The above is a great idea! Maybe she is not interested in “being” in the wedding either and it gives her an out. After all, to be in a wedding usually comes with a price tag. Dress, shoes, makeup, hair, pre celebration events. It all adds up.
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  • Christina
    Just Said Yes May 2024
    Christina ·
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    Seems like she’s drama and at the end of the day its YOUR DAY! Not hers. Do if shes not right for the part you owe her nothing. Talk to your fiance and say di ce the wedding date moved other things changed as well and you had to scale back. This is an issue of respect and if shes a disrespectful or spiteful person then she needs to be excused but he needs to have your back!
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  • E
    Just Said Yes October 2024
    Erika ·
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    There are times when people are acting poorly, they may be having problems processing the changes. Why not invite the two of them to talk with you and your fiancé and calmly discuss your concerns. Communication is the key and you may find that it can be resolved with everyone discussing their concerns. If not, you may have to make a tough decision and ask her to not be a part of the wedding, though her husband may still want to participate. It is quite possible that she is thinking that you don’t like her. That is where a nice moment involving the four of you will be a good thing.
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