Brother In Law with Destination Wedding Same Year?

Sounds like they haven't actually set a date yet so I would advise to try not to stress until they actually set a date in stone. My wedding ideas before my engagement were drastically different than the wedding I'm actually having. I also want to say I think your concerns and fears are valid and not petty but you may be stressing about something that may not be an issue.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. Once a date and location is set, express your concerns with them and let them know you won’t have the money/pto/time to plan for your own wedding and that $1500 is a huge cost for you.

After they finalize their plans, or if they ask you as VIPs for input about the choices they are considering, it is completely legitimate to let them know you won't be able to attend and/or to be part of the wedding party based on your finances and time availability. Just be as kind as possible in explaining why; clearly you love and support them, but just can't afford it financially and in terms of vacation time. You and FH might also consider what your options are. Since it's his brother, perhaps, he'll accept, if asked to be BM, and attend, but you won't be able to join him. Your concerns are very reasonable, but at the same time, they get to plan the wedding they want to. Good luck! Hopefully, everything works out so you can all be as supportive of each other as possible!

PS -- I agree with others that once they research the costs of a DW and share that with all their potential guests they may rethink their options. You probably are not the only ones for whom $1500 would be too expensive....

We are in a similar situation. We're getting married in July 2019 and we just found out FBIL is getting married in February 2019 in Hawaii (he lives there). We are so excited for him and really want to attend his wedding! The issues are it's on a Wednesday, we just bought a house, and we're paying for a wedding the same year. My vacation renews in March and because of holiday family plans for the end of this year, I only have two vacation days left until March. I'm talking with my boss tomorrow to see what options I have to try to attend but really because of travel time and the date of the wedding I'll need to have the entire week off. Because of the cost and my vacation situation, FH might just be attending without me. I'm really trying to find a way to attend but it just might not happen.

I would just be honest when you find out what the real plans are. Tell them what you can afford, which activities you can participate in, how many days off you can manage.

A lot of times it is customary to have the OUT of town bridal party put up by the Bride & Groom.

I think I would have to sit down with the FH, FBIL & FSIL & have the discussion of what can and can't be expected for each couple and the others wedding.

If you cannot attend anything other than the wedding in order to do your own wedding/honeymoon than hopefully they will understand & it will be ok. Maybe not being IN the wedding but just a guest would make it easier?

How about the rest of the family/friends? Can they afford to travel? And can they afford to-potentially- travel to 2 weddings that close together?

I wish the best of luck to all of you on this. It won't be easy, but maybe they will understand and everyone can compromise a little..

When they have plans more together, it may well be they FI cannot even attend. Other people will be in the same position. Then they will have to decide, and they may choose the DW fully aware that FI nor you can go, but prefer that to changing to a date they do not want or a place they do not want. Their choice. Lots of people doing DW are people who love their families , but do not feel it essential that every immediate family member be there. Some people turn themselves inside out to have family together for Christmas, while other members truly would rather go skiing, or work the days and get double overtime. They see their family a lot, and seeing family on any particular day or special event like a wedding is nice if it works, but being married a period of months sooner, or in a special place matters more. I have never understood the attraction of having a destination wedding to a location far away. I would far prefer the wedding be where people are centered, then as a couple, take a honeymoon to the destination. The fewer people on a week's vacation, the better it is. And lots of people say, one reason to have a DW is it will cut out 80-90% of those who would otherwise expect to attend. And the couple wants very few people, lots of, sorry we cannot come from potential guests. So do not expect that any argument you make will make the slightest difference. They will decide, we care more about the timing and the place, than having everyone there. Or they will not do DW. Do not mess up your plans or wedding to make sure the two if you can attend the wedding. I know it seems like heresy on this board, but just as no one cares as much as you do about your wedding, lots of people overall don't care if specific people come to their wedding, as long as someone does. Have you asked if after the wedding, they ate going to stay with all 10-30 people who attend? Because a lot tell folks to book a week's vacation, thinking they are more likely to attend the wedding than if paying a bundle for just 1-2 days. But then, the day after the wedding, the couple goes sightseeing and taking day or overnight trips on their own. And hardly ( if at all) see anyone after the wedding. Something which angers many guests. Do your planning as you want, financially. Wait til they are clearly decided. They may skip your wedding just to save up for theirs. Which would be a real kicker if you have changed and done without a lot if things to set aside thousands to attend theirs, and used a week of vacation time you now cannot use for yourselves.

I think anyone having a destination wedding has to accept that many may not want to come. I resent people telling me how I should spend my money. I would talk to fiance now, and tell him to give brother a heads up if you two do not want to spend the money.

Yeah. I mean, they get to plan the wedding that they want to plan, but if you are planning a non-local wedding, particularly a destination wedding, then part of the deal is accepting that people may not be able to come due to cost/inconvenience. In fact, this is one of the reasons why people HAVE destination weddings... because it, by nature, makes the wedding smaller.

I would say that since you are planning your own wedding in the same time frame, if you can't come due to finances that is completely reasonable. And saying that something is "only $1500" is pretty dang well-off. I know a lot of folk I would consider to be upper-middle-class, but "only $1500" isn't really in their vocabularies. Plus, if it's "only $1500" and that's not a big deal, then why sin't FSIL paying for it?

And, I mean, to be frank, $1500 isn't that great of a deal. I can go to Europe for a month on $1500. I mean, c'mon. FSIL must not travel much.

If you can't go, then you can't go. You have a lot of very valid reasons why you can't go. Again, if having the largest number of people possible at your wedding is the most important thing, then you don't have a destination wedding. The "you only get one day, that's it" also applies to people who are going to the islands.

You can't demand that everybody drop everything else and go to the Bahamas for a week or whatever.

View Quoted Comment I think you must have missed that the OP is saying her Brother in Law is the one with the Destination Wedding, NOT her! I do agree that it is hard to think that people can drop everything & spend a lot of money to go to a wedding.

Also, $1,500 for a month? Must be a cheap flight and hotels/meals! Lol... not said meanly, but in wonder!

View Quoted Comment

Oh, no. I understand that it's the brother, not her. The comment was meant toward the FSIL/FBIL.

And yes, it's possible. I've done it before. You can get flights to Europe for as cheap as $500 these days thanks to the budget carriers like WOW Air. And if you stay in hostels (many are awesome... I stayed in some that were ex-forts and ex-castles!) or couchsurf (where you get to meet cool locals) or AirBnB (same thing), it's very cheap. I have also stayed for free in non-English-primary countries before with locals where I exchanged English lessons (I'm actually a teacher) for lodging and sometimes food/drink.

All of those accommodations also come with kitchens, so you can cook for yourself. If you keep up on when museums have free days or try to hit certain countries during certain holidays (like, for example, the 3rd of October in Germany is Unity Day, so there are festivals all over the place and many museums are free) then sightseeing can also be very cheap. In most train stations there are also "tourist centers" where you can buy discounted passes to things/local transportation, etc.

It's possible. It just requires a bit of flexibility and planning.

Hi everybody! Thank you all so much for responding and helping me out, it definitely made me feel a little bit better about the whole situation. Five months later and my fiance's brother and his fiance have officially booked their wedding...in Jamaica in February of 2020. To attend and go down there for 5 days will be $3,000 for my fiance and I. Because there is no way that we could afford that, my fiance's parents have offered to pay for the two of us. Unfortunately, that still does not solve the problem that I only get one week of vacation a year and I need to use that for our own wedding and honeymoon in October of that year. Also, I would absolutely hate for my fiance's parents to do that for us, I feel that it is unfair to them and puts my fiance and I in a situation of feeling guilty and the pressure to someday pay them back. Additionally, the actual wedding ceremony is on a Wednesday, making it even more difficult to just fly down for a couple of days and only take a few days off from work. My future SIL is a teacher and that week happens to be the week of February school vacation, which is why the week was picked. I guess I'm just feeling really frustrated that my future SIL and BIL would put this kind of pressure and stress on their family. I'm really close to my fiance's parents and I think they would be sad if I couldn't make it but at the same time I am so frustrated that my future SIL and BIL would require their loved ones to spend that much money and take that much time off, especially considering my fiance and I booked our date almost an entire year beforehand.

Destination weddings can be frustrating. To me, not really a DW where the couple lives elsewhere, even if in Hawaii. That is their home now. But to me, many of these island DWs, especially at all inclusive resorts are just pushing costs on the guests. The wedding will still costs the same, just the guests pay. And a Wednesday wedding for a DW? And the people who say, well we find out who are friends are. No you will find out which of your friends have money, lots of vacation time, and likely no kids.