Bridesmaid Problems!

So, she sounds like she doesn't want to do the robe or whatever you have planned for getting ready. That's entirely up to her as the only clothing you get to determine is what she wears on the wedding day.

What has she prepaid for on the wedding time that she will miss? Of course her job is more important to her! No-one will think you wedding is as important as you do, and that's OK.

She's a good friend to be willing to drive 10 hrs to be there for you! It would be good to focus on being grateful for that.

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It isnt up to her because she isnt paying for the get ready outfit. I am so its my choice on what we wear. The rehersal dinner and the bridal luncheon are things that we have paid for her spot but she wont be there if she drives 10hrs. So yeah i get the job is important but to not take one day off and fly (when its so much cheaper than driving). I am grateful she is coming but she already complained about money when My parents and i are paying more than normal for the girls and the least they can do is pay for a dress & be there on time.

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It sounds like money is tight for her right now. She's making the choices that are best for her, and that's OK. She's doing her best.

She really is only required to wear the dress of your choice in the actual wedding. Some people aren't comfortable with the getting ready photo idea, and you really can't force her to wear something she doesn't want to. Your photos will be just as good if she doesn't wear the outfit. This is really just for photo ops anyway right? I'm sure that the getting ready photo isn't as important to you as her friendship is in the long term. She's important enough to you to ask her to be in your wedding party, so the friendship should take priority, I would think.

If she's already in a bind money wise, it makes sense she would put her job first. Would it be paid time off or unpaid? Would flying really be cheaper than driving the 10 hours? Is she afraid to fly? Maybe it's where I'm located, but a 10 hour drive would actually be cheaper for me gas wise.

It happens. As long as she's there on time in the correct attire, your wedding day will be ok. I agree with Jacks, depending on the getting ready outfit she may not feel comfortable in it, that's okay!

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. Respect the boundaries and limitations that she has. It doesn’t mean she isn’t happy for you.

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to wear the robe, I know some people who are not comfortable being photographed in a robe or pajamas. I would never force someone to wear something they told me they weren't comfortable with. It is your wedding but its also important to be respectful of other people's time, feelings, and money. There may be more going on here but from what I ve read I don't think your bridemaids are asking/doing anything wrong here. Best of luck to you and happy planning

Thank you for commenting. However, Yall are not understanding things. I didnt go with my first option. I have decided to go with PJs. A short sleeve shirt and long pants. She was more than happy that i found something that she can fit into as well as the other girls can too. She didnt want to be left out and not wear the same thing that the rest of us are. I get it that money is tight but part of being a bridesmaid means that you have to spend money, It is not free. So she needs to realize that flights and driving are probably similar in price which is fine. I told her that i wont move the plans around the day before my wedding just because she wont make it in until like the middle of all the plans so please stop assuming that she is uncomfortbale with the outfits and to respect their money and feelings because I am being more than respectful. I am paying for everything for the weekend because my parents want to. All my other bridesmaid are thankful that they only have to pay for transportation to and from the wedding location & the dresses. So it is my right to be upset if they are not be flexible on the only things that they need to pay for. But yes i understand that she has job. I am unsure if its PTO or not. My job isnt PTO but i am taking two days off for my wedding and budgeting myself around that and making sure i have money to afford everything still with taking off. Her taking off one day to fly or two days to drive or leaving at 5am on friday to make it in earlier for the events on friday is all feasible for her to do because i know the professor she is the TA for and they are flexible and nice. So appreciate all the advice. I appreciate and value her friendship but i dont need to be shamed.

View Quoted Comment Renee, I don’t think anyone is shaming you. We can only comment and give advice based on what we know.
Personally, I think it’s ok that you’re hurt about your bridesmaid not being there when she said she would/could. But the reality of it is, that’s beyond your control. You may think that she can easily get off of work, but what if that’s not the case? I think work is pretty much the top valid reason for not being able to be at whatever events she is missing.
As a bride who is also footing the nearly the entire bill for my bridesmaids, I can understand why that makes it even more frustrating. Short of offering to paying for her flight, there’s pretty much nothing you can do. I would try to offer her that if it’s that important to you for her to be there, but otherwise I would try and let it go and enjoy who CAN make it on time!

I'm confused because it seems like you've edited your post about the getting ready outfit part. You said she was uncomfortable with it, but also that she wanted to have one too. I'm wondering why she's resisting this now, could it be that she's worried that outfit won't fit her? That might be embarrassing and stressful. I know I'm assuming but I guess I don't understand the problem.

A spot in the wedding party is a chance for you to honour the people in your life that have had a major positive impact. The only things they are responsible for is getting themselves to the event, dressed in the outfit of the bride's choice and standing for photos. The only thing they need to buy is the dress. The rest of it is optional only. If special shoes, hair and makeup are required, that should be paid for by the wedding couple. Being in a wedding party does not require a large financial outlay. Maybe looking at it that way will help your feelings of disappointment.

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Thank you for your input. I appreciate this. I am done trying to explain myself so thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it

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Thank you Jacks. I understand that you dont understand anything but thank you for your advice. I appreciate it very much so. Have a great day!

I understand your frustration, especially when covering the majority of the expenses. I had one of my bridesmaids have to back out of my wedding completely because despite the fact that I'm covering a lot, travel, the dress and a hotel were too much for her on her salary and with taking the time off for the wedding. Travel costs are extremely high right now. And while it breaks my heart that one of my closest friends can't be there, I completely understand and didn't question every intention of hers in backing out. You have every right to feel upset. You can be hurt. But she's still trying to be there for your wedding. She just has to do it to work with her life. Her life does not revolve around your wedding. I think that maybe taking a step back and showing empathy might be the way to go, especially because if you question her motives and challenge her and try to strong arm her, it could result in losing a friend for good. She still plans on being there for the best part. Keep that in mind.

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Say what now? Yikes. Well good luck with that, lol.

Someone's job is literally, objectively more important to them than someone else's wedding. That's just how the world works. If you care about this person, I would do everything you can to assure her that you don't want her to risk her job or her finances to attend your wedding.

If you are worried about her missing other wedding-related events besides your actual wedding ceremony & reception (I admit, I can't tell because it seems like you have edited your post to omit details), then just let that go. You can only "require" (and of course, not even that literally) someone to attend your wedding. Any pre- or post-wedding parties are nice but not truly part of getting married.

You need to let this go. This person is your friend before she is your bridesmaid. All pre-wedding events are optional. I understand you are disappointed she won’t attend and that your parents have pre-paid for her to attend; but the reality is they chose to pay for those things. And also, realistically, you should have ensured people were going to be able to attend before paying for them. By not doing so, they accepted the risk that someone might not be able to attend and they would be out that money. Your BM’s job and financial stability is 100% more important than your wedding and you need to be understanding and supportive of her. Be appreciative that you have a friend who cares enough about you to drive 10 hours both ways just to support you on your wedding day. Many people aren’t so lucky.

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I really disagree with your sentiment – being a bridesmaid is an honour – it is the privilege to stand beside your friend on one of the most important days of their lives knowing that you were chosen to share in the celebrations on a deeper level. It should not be a financial burden for anyone and notwithstanding that you have generously paid for certain things, that does not mean that your bridesmaids do not otherwise have costs to bear in respect of everything else (especially given your bridesmaid lives far from you and will need to take time off work and travel some distance to attend).

Just because you have been able to budget days off work for the wedding notwithstanding that you are not paid any leave entitlements does not mean it is feasible for your bridesmaid regardless of how ‘flexible and nice’ her employer is.

If she can’t make the pre-wedding events, her presence will be missed but the show will go on. All that matters is that she is there for you on your wedding day. You’ve vented your frustrations and it is time to focus on the positive things such as that your friend is travelling all that way to be a part of your big day

You're not paying for your own wedding. You don't understand why people would value their job over your wedding. You bought robes you expect them to wear and your parents paid for things without verifying a guestlist. I would reexamine your mindset about money, power, and friendships.

Maybe my age is showing (I'm 34) but I never think any of my wedding party's careers are more important than my wedding. And this is my very first wedding that I honestly never thought would happen! So yes, I'm incredibly excited but I am trying to be very realistic. I think you may need to manage your expectations a little. I know this is so exciting and this is the most important thing you have going on right now (it is for me too! ) but unfortunately, what you, me, and everyone else has to realize is : your wedding is really only that important to you, your partner, and maybe a couple of family members/friends. Everyone else has lives and while they love you, you are not the center of it. You are a loved part of their lives, but not the center. Take a deep breath and step back for a minute.

Wow, you're going way overboard. Your friend needs to work. Pre wedding parties/rehearsals/etc are nice for bridal party members to be at, but not necessities. It's also not your call about whether or not your friend flies or drives regardless of what YOU would do. Just because you're paying for things doesn't give you the right to dictate what she does/doesn't do or how she chooses to get to your wedding.

Did you give her an itemized expense & expectation list for what she was responsible before she accepted your proposition for bridesmaid? If not you can’t be upset with her when she doesn’t have the budget or days to do what you want. It sucks but it happens. You need to ask yourself if you are really okay loosing her as a friend because if you hang this over her like you are doing in your venting to us you will absolutely loose her as a friend.