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Just Said Yes June 2022

Bridesmaid never tried on her dress

Katherine, on May 17, 2022 at 11:26 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17
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One of my closest friends from high school has always been a bit of a hot mess… she’s always been an incredibly nice person and good friend, but tends to make bad decisions and that has just gotten worse the older she gets. This weekend on the bachelorette she mentioned that she hasn’t tried on the bridesmaid dress yet. (Bad decision) Everyone else has had to get it at least hemmed. I told them to get the dress in January. My wedding is 25 days away. Another dress wouldn’t even come in time. If it doesn’t fit, i don’t know what she’s going to do.


So I’m debating telling her if she doesn’t have a dress that she can’t be a bridesmaid. (Obviously still plan to include her in hanging out before and everything, just not as a bridesmaid) but I’m afraid it’s going to really devastate her.
…AND.. To make matters worse… my maid of honor is pregnant, found out after ordering her first dress in January. Ordered another one and just ate the cost, it’s still too small but she’s taken it to a seamstress and they’re trying to fix it. And I’ve told her that if they can’t get it to fit, We can get another dress and she can just be a different color so it looks intentional. She’s since ordered three other dresses as options for that day just in case.
Is it terrible to tell the BM she can’t be in it but make allowances for the MOH?

17 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on May 21, 2022 at 6:27 PM
  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
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    This is 100% your personal call to make. I’d you tell her she can’t be in the wedding, you have to know that it could damage your friendship. If it was me, I would be hurt if you made allowances for one and not the other. I know one is pregnant, but it would make it seem like you value her friendship more (and this may be the truth).
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  • Bird
    Super June 2021
    Bird ·
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    I wouldn’t tell her that she can’t be a bridesmaid if her dress is not ready. I would wait to see what happens with the dress. Maybe it fits and she can wear it. Maybe it needs to be hemmed and that can be taken care of in a few days. I’ve seen friendships and families fall apart over “kicked out” bridesmaids. Like literally started 10+ years of a family feud. Be careful!
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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    I think the difference is the MOH is working with you. Your wedding is less than a month away and your bridesmaid hasn't even tried it on? Did you purchase the dresses for your girls? (I only ask cause I saw the phrase "just ate the cost". Who ate the cost you or the MOH). Your MOH is pregnant and has been trying to come up with options and working with you to figure out how to still be there for your day in a dress you like and fits comfortably for her.

    I worked in a costume shop in college so if I knew my bridesmaid could quickly alter her own dress, I wouldn't worry but if she has to go to a place to alter it, I would give her a bit of an ultimatum. It's wedding season and alteration and bridal shops are super busy. I would let her know she needs to try on her dress and see how it fits so you can both come up with a backup plan in case she cannot get it altered.

    I would give her a few days to try it on and then tell her she needs the dress or she can't be in the wedding. Like the pp has said prepare for that to potentially end your friendship. The only thing a bridesmaid needs to do is show up in the outfit you've agreed on and show up to the wedding, and she's not working towards the first part.

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  • Skb
    Dedicated December 2021
    Skb ·
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    Can you make a girls night in out of it? Say you’ll go over to her place for drinks and try on the dress
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  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Katherine ·
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    Yea, I mean… fingers crossed it just isn’t an issued, but now I have to call her and make sure and micro manage it, so I guess I just want to be prepared with how comfortable I feel giving any sort of ultimatum.


    It’s also Wednesday now, we left the bachelorette Monday morning and I still don’t know if she’s tried it on at all, so apparently I do have to give an ultimatum…
    I know they’re just dresses. I keep telling myself that and I don’t want to over react because of stress and cost a friendship… but also, try on the dress!!! 😩
    Thanks for all your opinions/advice though!
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  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Katherine ·
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    I should also add that I live in PA. The BM lives in AZ. And the MoH lives in TX. We just had the bachelorette in AZ (it was a win win, she didn’t have to worry about travel expenses and AZ is bachelorette city so it was fun and we got to go somewhere warm).


    She didn't come in for the bridal shower though, which I made clear was very fine because of the distance, but for comparison, the moh did travel to come to it. She also didn’t originally get a plus one because she’s not dating anyone, but called and asked if she could bring a friend and I said if course, no problem. So I have made allowances for her too, but I don’t know if those are on the same level of asking her not to be a BM (again, if it comes to it) you know?
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    I've been in a bridal party where 1 of the bms and the MoH did not hem their dresses at all. The MoH safety pinned the extra length on the morning of. The bm tied a stylish knot in her skirt to pull up the extra length. All was fine.


    Kicking someone out of the bridal party is all or nothing. I wouldn't say you can't be a bridesmaid, but you can still get ready with us.
    From your other post, it seems she is full of drama, you're not that close, and you made her a bm out of pressure. I'd let her be an adult and figure out her own dress. If it doesn't fit, she's not walking down the aisle. That's on her. Let her know that. But there seem to be multiple and separate bases for ending your friendship entirely.
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    This is going to sound harsh (because it is), but to me this seems like a "you had one job" scenario. Your BM's one obligation is to get the dress and be at the alter on the day of wedding. If you decide to ask her to attend as a guest instead, she can look in the mirror if she wonders why.

    I think you should tell her that now, and that she needs to try on the dress and get it altered if needed if she wants to remain in the wedding party. Sometimes those "hot mess" friends need a kick in the you-know-what to get them moving.

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  • Paige
    VIP October 2022
    Paige ·
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    I like the idea of making a girls night of it. Even just a "drinks over FaceTime" type of thing. It unfortunately seems like you may have to hold her feet to the fire a bit to get her to do what needs to be done. A gentle but firm "your dress needs to fit right or I can't in good conscious let you walk down the aisle in it," would be a good way to phrase it. Then it comes off as you being concerned that she won't trip over the dress or have it fall off if it doesn't fit right.

    Hopefully the sizing is all fine and it will maybe just need to be hemmed, which isn't a huge task (I've had dresses hemmed within a week before).

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I would go ahead as if everyone is going to have a dress that fits. If they don't then at that point you can make a call.

    I don't think giving ultimatums now will reflect well on you and it might harm the friendship.

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  • Mcskipper
    Rockstar July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    This. Don’t make a thing of it. She has plenty of time still for alterations. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. If she shows up the morning of the wedding without a dress to wear, ask her not to be in pics and that should be about the extent of it.



    Btw for what it’s worth I would HATE a “girls night dress try on” — there are zero times in my life where I ever want someone to be there watching the first time I try on an outfit. I want to see it, feel okay in it, and only then show it off. An event adds pressure. As does an ultimatum. Let it sort itself out.
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  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Katherine ·
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    So just to be clear, I don’t want to say anything prior to her trying it on… I’m asking as a hypothetical, if, when she does try on the dress, if she can’t wear it, what do I do at that point? A worst case?


    The sizing has been kind of messy with this dress btw. Every bridesmaid has had issues, especially with plus size. (It’s Dear Cleo, they’re pretty, and were cheap, but apparently just ridiculously small, especially in the rib cage fyi!) so I guess I’m just nervous about it and want to know your thoughts and opinions on how you would handle it!


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  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Katherine ·
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    FYI: so far I think I would maybe ask her to do a reading instead? Or would that come off more like a punishment?


    Personally, I think still including her in makeup would make her feel better (although I can see how that could go either way…) and the tips and tricks for quick alterations you guys have offered are really handy! (Fingers crossed I don’t need to refer back to these).

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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    Is she ok with public speaking situations? If she is, asking her to do a reading is a nice gesture.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I can't think of anyone plus-size who would think it's fun to try on dresses together. Just as a general concept.

    If she doesn't have a dress on the day of, she can get ready with you, but you're not obligated to have her walk down the aisle. It would be ok if she did that, wouldn't it? Another option would be to have a corset back sewn in.

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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    I'm plus-sized (and have friends who are plus-sized) and we think it's fun to try on dresses or other clothes together. Not trying to put down your experience but, just giving a second perspective.

    Katherine, it would be a good thing to still let her get ready. But if she is still dragging her feet about trying the dress on, I would put your foot down and tell her how you're feeling. It's your day and you're only asking her to wear a dress and be there.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Point taken. I shouldn't generalize like that.

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