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Megan
Super May 2019

Bridesmaid Frustration

Megan, on February 18, 2019 at 7:48 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 28
My MOH (my cousin) and 1 of my bridesmaids are nurses. They both work every other weekend but opposite weekends. Originally, my bachelorette party was supposed to be 4/12-4/14 but bridesmaid had to work that weekend so my MOH changed it to accommodate her and then had to figure out what to do for her work schedule. Fast forward after plans are made, airbnb booked and we are talking about what time we will leave on friday morning (6 hour drive to Nashville from ohio) bridesmaid said she has to work and can’t leave until 2 or 3. What?? She says she didn’t realize we would leave that early. I’m just baffled why it would make sense to her to rent an airbnb for 2 nights but not get there until 10/11pm on friday...or why we would drive 6 hours for basically one night??? Sooo now she probably isn’t going, after the weekend to was changed specifically for her! Not to mention that my bridal shower and wedding are also on the weekends she works. She took off for my wedding but she probably won’t make my bridal shower or the rehearsal on Friday evening....or a couple of the other things going on for the bridal party ore-wedding (diy flowers at florist and getting nails done together)

I realize people have work it’s just frustrating to me bc she isn’t going to make ANY wedding events and I want her to be there! Also she recently went on a weekend trip and I know for a fact she left Thursday evening and therefore had that Friday off so I don’t understand why she can’t do the same for my bachelorette party? To answer the question I know is coming, she was really excited when I asked her to be in my wedding and her husband even told me (when she wasn’t around) that she is really excited.

Did anyone else have a bridesmaid(s) that didn’t come to any of your pre-wedding events??

28 Comments

Latest activity by Nikita, on March 7, 2019 at 11:01 AM
  • Kiki
    Super May 2019
    Kiki ·
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    I am a shift worker as well. It's super tough to make weekend events. My sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and I was completely upfront with her that I probably would miss everything but her wedding. She was fine with that and I was there for the wedding only.

    I know it sucks but was she made aware well in advance the timelines, because if not you can't really be too upset about it.

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  • Samantha
    Super August 2019
    Samantha ·
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    I completely understand especially if everyone is making plans to align with her schedule! And not making other pre-events too, it's suppose to be a time for all your girls to get together. Silver lining is she'll be there on the most important day, but I get wanting that extra girl time.

    I have one bridesmaid and my MOH, we all live in different states, in different timezones, on different schedules. I've pretty much made peace without having a bridal shower, but am hoping they can get time off to come into town a little early for our wedding (we're coming at the start of the week and the wedding is Friday). I am also planning my own bachelorette weekend getaway solo.

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  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice ·
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    I think the most important thing is she’ll be there on your wedding day. I know you wish she was part of everything but that’s hard sometimes when people have a ton of other personal events with multiple friends and family as well as work. I have one bridesmaid that hasn’t being there much for my events and she has being rather complicated with her situation but she has made every effort possible to be there and for that I’m forever greatful. At the end all she has to do is show up for the actual day.
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  • Maggie
    Super February 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I made plans specifically to accommodate some very good friends with busy schedules for a pre wedding get together and they both bailed last minute. So I completely understand where you are coming from. My friends had valid reasons and there are no hard feelings but of course I was disappointed that they couldn't be there. I still had a lot of fun with the people who did end up coming. It's totally reasonable to be upset but dont let it affect your relationship with her. I have family that work jobs with odd schedules and it is genuinely difficult to plan things and get time off. Especially if she already took off for a previous trip and now your wedding, she's probably running out of favors to cash in.
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  • A
    Savvy October 2020
    Ashley ·
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    I'm a nurse as well planning my own wedding .. luckily I'm an assistant manager so I make my own schedule and can plan around it .. but I totally get what's going on with your bridesmaid. I don't know when your wedding is but I know specifically at my hospital from June 15th to September 15th we are only allowed 2 weeks off and those 2 weeks have to be submitted by March. Single days off or a few days off in a row gets pushed to the wayside in order to accommodate full week vacations. It totally sucks, but it's part of the job. Maybe that had something to do with it?
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  • M
    Dedicated April 2019
    Melissa ·
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    One of my bridesmaids can't come to the bacholerette cause her husband has a work event that night. I'm also not having a shower cause we are already married (courthouse) but we still want a bachelor/bachorlette and wedding to celebrate with everyone. I really wanted everyone to get the chance to bond but I guess it will just be rehearsal dinner and wedding for that
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    I had 3 bridesmaids (of 5) who attended nothing but the wedding - it was fine. I think you are being a little selfish and unreasonable with your expectations. What she does with her time and money is none of your business (other vacation weekends). She will be there for your wedding which is really the only thing required of a bridesmaid.

    It's totally normal to feel a little disappointed that she can't attend pre-wedding events, but you should not be MAD at her for that.

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  • FutureStephD
    Super March 2019
    FutureStephD ·
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    Awwww, any chance she can fly in and meet you for the bachelorette party?

    To answer your question, yes, I have FIVE of SIX bridesmaids that aren't attending any pre-wedding events. Apparently they have all taken it very seriously that their only requirements are to stand at the end of the aisle and look pretty Smiley winking

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  • Veronica
    Savvy May 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I had an issue with my blood cousin. First she disliked her dress color, then didnt like the choices I gave for hair styles, then makeup. It was one after another. She even suggested we have a courthouse wedding like she did. Then she was giving my bridesmaids a hard time when they were planning my bachlottere & bridal shower. She ruined the bachlottere party surprise and told me she can't afford to be a bridesmaid and will attend the wedding as a guest. Hallelujah!!!!! I was ecstatic when she told me. Honestly I wasn't upset or disappointed, just relieved she Xed herself out. Maybe you should talk to her, being in the bridal party is NOT an obligation.
    PS: My cousin is now giving me issues as a guest 😫
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  • Megan
    Super May 2019
    Megan ·
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    Thanks for your input but I don't think it's selfish of me to want my closest friends to be with me for pre-wedding events. It's upsetting and frustrating that we basically changed our plans to accommodate her and now she is bailing. Not to mention, she had already said "I'm in" so she was included in the count to book the AirBnb so now that she is bailing, everyone has to pay more. I guess I just expect my closest friends to do the same for me as I would them, and I would do whatever I could to be there for their events, even if that meant not taking other vacations or time off because I knew I would need it for their wedding events. I know I'm probably in the minority but I feel like being a bridesmaid is more than just buying a dress and standing at the altar. I just feel I've gone out of my way to be accommodating to her (specifically for finding a dress for her, to which she still hasn't paid me back for) and she is always "that one" being difficult about everything.

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  • Megan
    Super May 2019
    Megan ·
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    She could probably drive down when she gets off work but unless she offers it up, I'm not going to ask her to do that as she would be driving 6 hours by herself.

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  • Megan
    Super May 2019
    Megan ·
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    Yeah I've honestly never seen this side of her. She is one of my very good friends. When I asked her to lunch and asked her to be my bridesmaid she was really excited! The dresses I wanted for girls I knew could get really expensive (Adrianna Papell) so I worked really hard to help them find sales and all of the other girls were fine with ordering online and sending back and finding a dress that way, and she had to be difficult and want to actually go to stores (it's really hard to find those dresses in my area) So I drove her 2 hours to a store and she still didn't find anything. And then I put $600 on my credit card to order stuff for her, including 2 dresses that I would have to pay a $10 each restocking fee on just for her to "make sure they weren't the one she wanted" Once she finally picked a dress, I even got on poshmark and found that style in a brand new dress in her size for half the price, and she said she didn't have the app (I mean how hard is it to download and create a login) so me being the nice person, just bought it for her expecting her to pay me back and she has yet to do so. I'm sure I'll never see the money for it Smiley sad So basically she's giving me a hard time, not attending any of my pre-wedding events and I'm practically just paying for her to be in my wedding.

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  • Veronica
    Savvy May 2019
    Veronica ·
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    You are NOT wrong. I feel the same way about a bridesmaid being more than just standing at the altar by you. You are right and shouldn't feel bad. But maybe you should speak up and mention this to all of them.
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    I totally get being frustrated that you changed plans for her and now she can't make it anyway. Although to be fair, it sounds like she just wanted to leave later than you all had planned, which isn't really that bad and I do think you were overreacting to that part.

    However, the fact that she went on a vacation prior to your party is none of your concern and should not factor into your frustration at all. I think you set yourself up for failure with the dress thing because you intentionally chose very expensive dresses and did not ask for their budgets ahead of time. If you had specific dresses you should have just told her and let her get it. If you gave them options, you should have just let her get it. If she didn't have a dress by the time of your wedding, she's not in your wedding. You didn't need to insert yourself in that. if she agreed to pay you back and just isn't though, that sucks.

    Again, I understand feeling disappointed that she can't attend your events, I definitely WANTED all my bm's to be at my events, but I didn't ask them to be my bridesmaids so I could take over their calendars and budgets. They have other things to pay for and other obligations and that's totally fine. Shift schedules are notoriously difficult and even if you ask for time off, doesn't mean you'll get it.

    One other thing - you're complaining about "essentially paying for her to be in your wedding" - wouldn't you rather help out a friend so that she is able to be there for you on your big day than expect her to shell out $$$ that she may not have just so you won't be mad at her?

    idk - I think your whole attitude stinks. You are honoring them by asking them to be in your wedding, not the other way around.

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  • Erica
    Dedicated April 2019
    Erica ·
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    I have similar issues as three of my bridesmaids are nurses. I tried to get everyone all of the dates as soon as possible because I know they make their schedules super early, but even so I know there's a chance some won't be able to make everything. I told them to just do what they can. While it would be ideal to have everyone at every event, that can just be too difficult in certain professions. It's a bummer, but it's life. As long as she is there on the BIG day, that's what's really important. Maybe try to have a "girls day" during the week or another time that's easier for her to make to get your bridesmaids some bonding time?

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  • Megan
    Super May 2019
    Megan ·
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    I'm going to politely disagree with you. Yes I picked expensive dresses (price ranges from $199-$299) but that is why I inserted myself to help them find a dress (they had their choice of any style in a specific color) at less of a cost and even fronted the cost of ordering ones just to send back so they could try them on. Did I have to do that? No I didn't but I did so that they didn't have to spend more than they had to. Every single person was able to get their dress for less than $100, which I feel is a pretty damn good price for a bridesmaid dress, and an Adrianna Papell dress at that.

    It would be one thing to help her out to have her there because I knew that she needed help upfront or she said to me "I can't afford it" but I know that isn't the case, she has the money and has chosen not to pay me back.

    I didn't ask her to be my bridesmaid to "take over her calendar and budget" I asked her to be bridesmaid because she is my friend and she means a lot to me, so that is why I'm hurt/upset/frustrated over the fact that she isn't able to make any of the pre-wedding events.

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  • L
    Lady ·
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    Ok, the dress thing I'll give you - that would frustrate me a little too if there was a prior agreement.

    I would give the following advice to anyone, not just aimed at you:

    You're wedding is one day. The pre-wedding stuff is fun and exciting for you personally, but overall it is not necessary and many people do not even get the opportunity to have a shower or bach or engagement party or whatever. Try to be more understanding from her point of view. Being in a wedding is agreeing to be in a WEDDING, not necessarily a wedding and 4 other weekends in likely the span of a few months. Especially in a profession where you have very little control of your own schedule, it can be difficult to impossible to get time off when you want it. I think people who have a lot of flexibility tend to forget that. You've asked these people because they are your dearest friends so it's understandable to want them to celebrate with you. But that doesn't mean we get to be angry and judgmental when they can't or choose not to celebrate at everything.

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  • Tanya
    Dedicated November 2019
    Tanya ·
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    It’s hard to get bridesmaids together for stuff. Yes people have lives, but you want them to make time for your wedding especially since they agreed to be a part of your day. My MOH hasn’t helped with anything so far. I even had to move my bridal shower to a weekend that worked for her. She then informed me she can only make it down for the day before my wedding for the reception then the wedding. Then she needs to leave. She lives in another state and I’d like to see her more, but she’d rather use her vacation days for other trips. I guess sometimes you just have to except the fact other people don’t care about your wedding as much as you do. Sucks but it’s true. Unless you can talk to them and see if you guys can come to an understanding. Good luck.
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  • Stephanie
    Beginner March 2019
    Stephanie ·
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    I actually had the same thing happen to me. Except I had four bridesmaids back out on me, not just one. I now only have 3 girls joining me on my bachelorette trip to Nashville instead of 7. And those four waited until a month-2 weeks before to tell me they wouldn't be able to go. We booked our Airbnb apartment and everything, and when the second payment was due they bailed. We are also going to Nashville from West Virginia, so I completely understand your frustration. We leave this Friday to go.

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  • Amanda
    Dedicated June 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I am a nurse...the last wedding I was in, I only made the bachelorette and the wedding. It depends on where you work and what your management is like but it’s really difficult for me to get off weekends. It’s not as easy as most jobs...cut them some slack, I am sure they are doing the best they can.
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