Bridesmaid Difficulties

Asking a bridesmaid to step down could possibly end the relationship you have with said person. Why are you reconsidering?

What is the issue with the bridesmaid? Maybe we can help with that. I would almost anything to avoid kicking out a BM. That will likely end the friendship and make you look bad in the long run.

The only reason a bridesmaid should be asked to step down, is if she can't actually attend the wedding, doesn't want to wear/buy the dress, maybe can't afford it etc. or she did some kind of unforgivable sin.

What on earth do you expect your bridesmaid to do that she can't?

What if she lives out of town? What if she has her own wedding to plan and can't afford all the ridiculous wedding crap for someone else's wedding? Is she any less your loved one?

It would be pretty hurtful to be asked to step down as a bridesmaid, and quite frankly I feel your bridesmaids should only be required to wear the dress and hang out with you on the wedding day.

I do not think it's fair to "require," anyone to do anything except wear the clothes. I cannot think of a single good reason to demote someone like that, unless they asked for it.

I am in the process of asking a bridesmaid (FSIL) to step down. Long story short, she shared private messages to her mom (my FMIL) of me trying to explain to all my bridesmaids why planning the bridal shower has been as absolute poop show and why I thought neither her mom nor my mom were helping (which was followed up with me explaining they were helping I just didn't realize it because no one bothered to communicate with me). She exploded on me, FMIL exploded on me and FFIL exploded. The whole thing was blown completely out of proportion and she was the cause of that. Because of this situation I do not feel emotionally safe around her anymore and do not trust her. Neither myself nor my FH have spoken to her in 3 and a half weeks (he fully supports my decision) so that's why it's not official yet. We're kind of hoping she just offers to drop out herself. I'm willing to compromise and have her walk down the aisle but that's all. She's no longer welcomed on the bachelorette trip and she's not welcomed to get ready with us. I do not feel like she is a safe person anymore and I don't want someone like that around me on my wedding day.

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I would seriously reconsider your decision. She is going to be your SIL for a long time and asking her to step down has the potential for life long repercussions. While she shouldn't have shared the private messages, you had to know that by criticizing her own mother, you opened yourself up to this. On top of that, you don't properly host or plan your own shower so you were likely out of line to complain at all.

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She opened herself to life long repercussions when she brought her mom into it. A mom who she, herself, had criticized mere days before involving the wedding. A mom who had already be criticized by my MOH (saying the moms weren't helping with the shower which was partly brought on my FSIL saying her mom could not financially contribute which then I found out was a lie and that FMIL was more than willing to throw down money). I was trying to acknowledge that this happened and why it happened. Believe me, I was trying not to plan my own shower but my MOH was the ONLY one stepping up and she needed help. So I asked for help. And was essentially told no by my mom and FMIL. Apparently they were both going to help but my mom didn't think about telling me she wanted to help when I asked and my FMIL wasn't paying attention when I asked. At no point did we ever say FSIL, FMIL, or FFIL are wrong for their feelings and emotions. But it REALLY hurts when in 12 hours you're told:

You're a disappointment

You did irreversible damage

Nothing can fix this

I threw FMIL under the bus and not my parents

I did nothing but poop talk FMIL

FFIL has threated to write FH out of the will and not come to the wedding

I ruined FMIL's reputation

FMIL directly threated us with harm

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You can't control planning your own bridal shower.

You can't control other people's feelings.

But, you can control your mouth.

Truly decide if this optional shower is the hill you and your FS die on. Sounds like none of his immediate family would attend your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Yikes. That's a start to the joining of families.

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Well no-one owes you a bridal shower. You were out of line complaining about it in the first place, and I can see why that may have come across as entitled. I can see why they are upset. I think you're being dramatic with the "lifelong repercussion" thing.

I would apologize to your FMIL for the message that you sent to FSIL, and blame it on "bridal brain" or something.

If you kick your FSIL out, you will forever be "that" bride that kicked out her own family member. Imagine allllll the family dinners after that.

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This is derailing the OP so if you are looking for advice I would suggest you start your own thread. That said, if you don't want to destroy your relationship with your in laws and despite his current position very possibly your future marriage along with it I would again urge you to reconsider. Not only do mothers not have to help with a shower, traditionally, they aren't supposed to be involved at all.

In terms of any type of etiquette, old or new, a shower is totally voluntary and optional, not something that is coming to you. If your FSIL couldn't afford your shower, then she should have either regrouped to something low key within her budget or backed out. The communication issues, if any, were between FSIL and her mother, nothing to do with you. I'd be offended In FMIL's place, too. You caused the majority of this drama. Now they are escalating things, which is certainly not good either. But for your own part, you owe an apology.

Thank you everyone for your unsolicited advice. OP asked if anyone ever had to ask a bridesmaid to step down and the reasoning so that is what I gave. I am making the best choice for my own mental health and I will not let anyone, especially people online who only know a fraction of what has gone on, bully me into jeopardizing that.

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You weren't being bullied, at least not here. The advice, although possibly unsolicited, was meant with good intentions. It just wasn't what you wanted to hear. Hope it works out.

View Quoted Comment Bully you into jeopardizing what? Hate to say it, but if some unsolicited advice from other brides has you struggling with your mental health a therapist works better than talking In Online forums.