Bridal/coed Shower - Okay to Invite Some Men and Not Others? (long)

Normally I would say yes, I would be a little upset if other people could bring their husbands and I wasn’t given the option, but since we are in covid times, I would say don’t invite anyone you aren’t close to or you think might not make it. You can always explain to those that live further away that you couldn’t invite them because of covid (this is assuming covid will still be a thing when you plan your day). People can’t really get too upset about that.

View Quoted Comment

The shower is in Feb so covid will still be a thing, but there aren't any restrictions pertaining to gathering size so I am not sure if the expectation would be that H's would be invited. I would say about half of those invited are in his hometown, the rest are all about 2 hours away in various directions, including most of the BP. I am inviting a few I don't think will make it, on the off chance they can and to include them (friend's mom, one other friend from college).

Hmmmm. I dont see an issue with it.

Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to invite way too many people. I’m going to start off by saying that I’ve never been to a co-ed shower, but I think you might want to consider two separate showers. One for the men and one for the women. Not only will that cut down on how many guests you have in place at one time which is important right now with Covid, but I honestly can’t see a lot of men being interested in what women normally do at traditional bridal showers.

Second, I would only invite close family and friends. For example, your future in-law’s friends don’t need to be invited unless your fiancé actually has a close relationship with them. Like the ones you mentioned are like second parents to him it would make sense to invite them, but if there are others, he’s only met a handful of times then there is no reason they need to be invited to the shower. As for groomsmen, I would definitely invite all of them even though some of them live two hours away. I’m assuming you are inviting all of your bridesmaids so why wouldn’t the same go for all of the groomsmen? Let them decide if they want to travel two hours for the shower. As for your coworkers, unless you are super close to them, I wouldn’t invite them to the shower. They likely wouldn’t want to drive two hours one way anyways.

Another thing you might want to consider is if any of these individuals have children and both parents of those children are attending who is going to watch them? They very well might expect that they can bring their children to the shower which will just add more people to your guest list. I would start by writing a list of those who must absolutely attend. Just because you were friends with someone in high school and talk to them on occasion or just because your parents are friends with someone doesn’t mean they have to be invited to every pre-wedding event. Inviting them to the wedding is good enough. Right now with Covid, it is better to limit how people you are inviting to non-essential parties.

View Quoted Comment

Thank you for this advice!! It is very helpful to get this perspective.

Regarding his parents' friends - these are definitely people who he knows and is good friends with. His parents are very active in their church and other organizations, and these people have been an active part of my FI's life since he was very small. I know it sounds crazy, but he really did have a 'village' around him. We are thinking of limiting the men in attendance to the GMs and my FIL, which should keep the list down.

As for my coworkers, I keep in touch with them and was invited to a baby shower for one of them so I wanted to reciprocate, but that was when I lived nearby so I see what you're saying. I may give myself a number as if that's the limit, and stay under that.

Coed showers are a thing. It is rude to invite some husbands and not others. At the same time, it's for the hostess to decide who gets an invite. You as the bride are not involved in any way beyond providing an available date and showing up.

View Quoted Comment

This is interesting to me; my understanding was always that the bride's responsibility was to provide a guest list to the hostess (as my BM asked me to). How would she know who to invite if I did not give her a list?

View Quoted Comment Yes the bride provides a guest list of those she would like. The hostess determines budget, space and goes from there.

The ‘traditional’ bridal shower is a ladies lunch style event, usually with friends of the bride, MOB etc. In the case of that type of bridal shower, you’d only invite the ladies with no members of the groom’s party nor any of the womens’ partners.

While you are fully entitled to have a co-ed shower (after all, everyone should conduct their events however they please), if you are going to do co-ed, it would be rude not to invite spouses and significant others. Just the same, if you invite one groomsman, you invite them all.

If people live far away (including your co-workers) or otherwise don’t attend for other reasons, that is fine, but as a courtesy you should invite them as it is for them to decide if they will attend or not.

This is the only way you will avoid offending anyone if you decide to go ahead with a co-ed shower.

We had a co-ed shower.

So, our entire BP (and we had mixed sides, anyway) was involved. Therefore, the GMs/GWs/bridesMEN were involved in planning, and all invited.

Couples are social units. If it's a mixed party, then couples are invited together.

I agree with others, though - this sounds HUGE, particularly in COVID times. Maybe it's best if you keep it to local to the party, but that's also best decided by the hosts (not you).

View Quoted Comment

At first I thought we would invite a select few of the men - the ones who were local, and my FIL. Then I thought we could invite the groomsmen (some his friends, some mine, his brother). At the moment I am leaning toward just inviting the friend/GM in Example #2, and even then maybe have them come for the latter half.

I would like my FI to be able to see these people, including the women, because they are really 'his' people. My BMs and possibly some coworkers will be there, but it is his hometown; most of the people will be his.

There's a lot of logistics that go into this that make it more complicated than what is typically done. The hostess (my BM) herself is about 2 hours away, she is graciously offering to throw the shower in FI's hometown because we will be in town for a family wedding the following weekend (we live much farther away). She is looking to me for the guest list.

View Quoted Comment

Yes, I have been to many showers that are female only. Since this shower is being held in his hometown, I wanted/my fiance wanted to be involved, since many of the invitees are 'his' people. My FMIL will be there, but they are still his (female) friends, his second-moms, etc.

We each have a mix of male and female friends, couple friends, etc. I have my BMs, of course.

I do agree that couples should be invited as a unit to the wedding; I don't think I would be offended if I were invited to a mostly-female shower without my FI, but perhaps I am in the minority.

Remember that a shower comes with the obligation of spending money on a gift, in addition to the wedding gift. And is usually only a portion of the guest list. The problems you are having is why I dislike couple showers, and prefer co ed showers. An announced couples even, you have to invite both halves of every couple, though only 1 would be considered close enough for a shower or party invitation otherwise. Coed, you can invite some men friends, and some women friends, only close ones. And if both halves of a couple are invited, it is because each separately is a close friend. We had a terrible couples shower given by hubby's sister. It was 60 people where it could have been 35, and at least 20 people there did not know us at all, just the have half of the couple from a friend. Receptions, you eat, you drink, you dance. But for most of a Shower few things are going on except a centrally organized game, and everyone sitting mostly quietly during present opening while everyone pays attention. And so the bride can talk with the person whose gift she is
opening. With 20 bored before you start, ours was a bore, and all but one couples showers I have been to were the same. In that group, in a small town where all but 2 of the couples both halves had grown up together, same school. Everyone really was close to everyone else. Coed showers, there is no burden of folks who are not good friends, just those who are. But nice to have people of all genders, not only female friends, or gals are her friends, guys are his.

View Quoted Comment The bride supplies a list of those she considers close enough to invite. Then the hosts decide how many of those people they can have in the space they have and within budget.
A bride may have a list of 30 or 70 on her list. But the hosts may decide they cam only afford 24 at the $20 a person cost of the nearby places, with their $700, and still do decorations, tax and tip.. Or they may only be able to spend $250 , which means having it in a free home or yard, where they only have room for 18, and the meal and drinks can only be $10 each. ... These budget and space issues are why the hosts not the bride provide the final number, which may be what the bride wants, or far fewer. Someone else may offer another shower, for people not invited to the first. But the bride can only determine the number if she is providing a smaller number than hosts planned for. I have had brides who presented a list of 78, said they wanted a particular restaurant at the country club, a light meal and bar.
And had 3 bridesmaids say, at the minimum package price, with only 2 drinks, food with tax and tip, that would come to $3900. plus decorations, flowers and a gift. No. And a lot of people have this experience with brides who think they set the number and venue they want. If 3 hostesses have $250 each to spend, that would be 5 people, the 3 hostesses, bride and mom, at that venue. Or 20 with layer cake, bar food, and drinks, at someone's cottage. But brides cannot just throw out any number, and expect that. Always, hosts choose how may, from bride's list of possible guests.

View Quoted Comment

Right, and what we were trying to do was coed, not couples - invite the people who made sense. I just didn't know if that would offend people or not, if someone's DH was invited but others were not. Specifically what I had in mind was FIL and the husbands in that friend group, who all hang out socially anyway, why not give them another opportunity to in the context of our wedding. All are local to where the shower is. But would someone be offended if *their* DH was not invited, but someone else's was...etc.

As to the guest list, perhaps I screwed this up, then. BM offered me a shower in FI's hometown, 2 hours away from where she lives - so she knows nothing about the area. I suggested a couple of places - again, since she does not know the area - she settled on one we both really liked. She asked for guest list, did not give me a # of people, after taking the advice here I gave her an invite list with I think 27 ranging from local guests to 4/5 hours' drive with the expectation some would not come. I expect probably 20 when all is said and done. Should I ask her if this list is too many?

View Quoted Comment

Having not been a BM before, this is all new to me. If a bride gave me a list of 50 and I could only host 30, I would definitely go back to her and tell her to tell me which 20 she wanted cut. I couldn't imagine trying to sift through that list myself, if that is how it's done.

View Quoted Comment A lot of people don't stand up for themselves, thinking they are obliged to do it. It would not hurt to let her know that any suggested list was for planning purposes, but you want a number within host's budget. So if she has checked out costs she will feel she can say something. I had a friend who should know better dump something on another old friend and I not long ago. No, that is about 2,000 above my limit for a shower, try again. It is easy to get into lists and dreams and forget. We have 5 kids. My days of doing anything for a friend, just anything they ask, are gone. It won't hurt to inquire.

View Quoted Comment I always offer a shower with some plan, whether doing it solo, or with others. So they know. We can do at least 30 if at home, only 15 definitely in a venue. mark your most important 15, and next fifteen. If lots could not make it, I might just add more from the list. But never cut without consulting the bride. I am not big on surprises that might be unhappy surprises. It can be touchy. Some brides get into why can't this one come, what was her reason? stuff. And really, bride should never hear that stuff. So having a couple pre marked groups means you only have to go back and review it if you are adding people, not when cutting from a bigger list. Showers rarely have 100% attendance. You can almost always overinvite, if you are talking a bigger group. People cancel on showers too easily. I thimk saying to themselves, I can just give her the present another time. A lot do not see it as an emotional thing. Good luck. I like doing showers.

View Quoted Comment I messaged her just now to ask if the list was okay. I suspect she will say it's fine...that's her personality. Me personally I think 20/25 is fine for a shower; if I offered to host that is what I would expect. In some respects I feel like my hands are tied as I don't mind helping with costs but I know it's not kosher for a bride to do that. I too love showers, and this may be the only one I end up having (my cousin had offered to throw me one, but that was before corona, so who knows).

View Quoted Comment 20-25 is pretty average. Except during Covid, many homes can handle that number for a party, provided it is not a full sit down dinner. And nice weather, not only are yards available, but Parks. When people do not have money, food and drink at restaurant prices can be tough. But just desserts and coffee, or a cookout or cold plates make 25 doable for almost everyone.