Bf/bm declines bar hopping at bach a week prior because of her fiancé

Wow, thats...a lot.

So, you don't get to dictate what people do, even if you are the one getting married. If you ask people to come celebrate your wedding, you can't make them go to a bar if they don't want to. Who is hosting this party for you? Did they make those rules? "All or nothing" comes across as controlling, honestly.

Why is her reason for not going out invalid to you? You don't know what goes on in their relationship. You sound pretty judgy about them in general in this post, at least.

How many wedding meetings have there been? What did you have to meet about?

Uninviting him to the wedding was rude, because you're disrespecting her relationship while also asking her to celebrate yours.

Sounds like the friendship is over. If she was previously important to you, only you can say if you regret how that all went down and whether it was worth losing the friendship over.

I would just take a deep breath and keep it simple. Decide how much energy you want to spend on this friendship when your big day is almost here. You can tell her you're disappointed because you already paid for her and it's too late for a refund, so maybe she could pay for that. But, no one should have to go bar hopping out of obligation and it's not for you to judge her new partner.

To put things into perspective for you, you have completely disrespected your friend and her relationship by not showing any understanding of a boundary in her relationship.

Regardless of the reason your friend doesn’t want to go bar hopping (maybe she’s pregnant? maybe she is trying to go alcohol free? or maybe it is just that she feels her partner wouldn’t be comfortable with it) it has absolutely no impact on your bachelorette and turning what is a non-issue into such a problem reflects really poorly on you.

Personally if I was in your friend’s shoes I would be ending the friendship because I don’t think I’d be able to continue being friends with someone with high and inflexible demands that can’t respect my relationship and perfectly reasonable boundaries.

Yikes 😬 there’s no reason someone should have to go party with you. All or nothing seems super controlling of your friends. You should want to understand your friends boundaries and shouldn’t force them into things they don’t want to do or feel comfortable with just because you’re getting married. That’s not what friends do. And it’s kind of sad you’re okay with friends of yours not coming along at all because it’s all or nothing. And not inviting/ uninviting her partner is super rude just because she doesn’t want to go bar hopping with you or you think their relationship is invalid. She still wanted to be there and spend time with you but just not at the bars and that should be something you’re grateful for. It’s not up to you to decide if a boundary in their relationship is valid. If I was your friend I wouldn’t be going to your Bach or wedding either and probably wouldn’t want to be friends with you after

View Quoted Comment ALL OF THIS. You are completely in the wrong. You just threw away an 8 year friendship over a night of bar hopping. To be completely honest, you sound like a bridezilla; and if I were your friend I would be glad to be rid of someone so controlling and dismissive of me, my feelings, and my relationship. You are painting out this new guy to be a really bad person for her to have in her life – if that is true, a good friend would have raised legitimate concerns with her in a caring, non-confrontational way… not thrown a hissy fit because it meant she wasn’t going to party with you. Cards on the table… it sounds like your friend is better off without you in her life.

Wow. You just threw away a friendship over bar hoping? She's a grown adult who (I assume) spent her own money on this trip. If she doesn't want to go bar hoping who cares? Who cares if her new boyfriend finalized his divorce a week ago? It's not like you can just walk down to the court house and bam divorce. There is so much more involved in a divorce than that. My mom went through three. The quickest one took 5 months with separation and 0 indication of ever getting back together and no split assets or children.

You did her a favor. She doesn't need people in her life who are willing to through it all away over something so insignificant as bar hoping. When people ask what happened. Oh, she wouldn't participate in bar hoping at my bachelorette. She had to go.

Agree with PPs. But adding to it:

"It’s not like she doesn’t like to party & it’s not like we’re going to have strippers or even talk to dudes. "

None of this is relevant. She and her new boyfriend set a boundary in their relationship. You were trying to force her to cross a boundary and disrespect HER relationship while celebrating your own. You are trying to be controlling and honestly if I was one of your other bridesmaids/friends, I'd see this situation as a major red flag and NOPE the heck out of that friendship as well.

Wow. You’re asking for a lot/have extremely high expectations. All or nothing for a night out of fun? That’s extreme and uncalled for. She’s allowed to have her boundaries and bar hoping for one reason or another crosses those boundaries. You don’t get to decide if the boundaries are valid or not. She still wanted to come celebrate with you and you completely disregarded her feelings.
And you’re requiring wedding meetings? No wonder she’s on FaceTime. Any meeting to discuss YOUR wedding is unnecessary. I told my girls what dress to get (after a group discussion, through text)) and when and where to show up. That’s it. There was nothing to meet about, nothing to go over.
I’d do some self reflection and decide if your actions are partly to blame and if you’re comfortable loosing some friendships over it. I personally wouldn’t want to maintain a friendship with someone acting like this. Your wedding is only Important to you. Others will be there to support and celebrate, but no one else really cares about it and they have lives of their own going on.

Wow, you are really in the wrong here based on the information you've provided. As others have said, just because you are a bride doesn't mean you can mandate what people do or expect them to follow orders. Just because she's a bridesmaid doesn't mean she's given up Free Will. I have to say, to throw away an eight-year friendship over bar-hoping kind of implies your friendship wasn't that important to you to begin with.

So she sounds like she may be prioritizing the new guy a little too much, but I think you're in the wrong by basically insisting everyone go bar hopping with you. That is rather controlling and over the top.

View Quoted Comment I did let everyone know if they’re not down with it it’s okay. No one is obliged to go. Not even the bridesmaids. I do want everyone who does want to come to party with me so if they’re not wanting to party, they don’t have to go and I totally understand that. I was upset that she told me a week of & I would’ve been totally okay with her not going in the first place if the bar hopping was such an issue to her.

View Quoted Comment "If you don't want to go bar hopping then I don't want you to come at all" is not a very nice way to treat your friends, is all I'm saying. It does sound like she's being influenced by the boyfriend, but you are not treating your friends very charitably.

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I think you are missing the point everyone has made out - it doesn't matter that you told people about this in advance or that your friend had a change of heart and told you the week of the event, it is the fact that you have taken an "all or nothing" approach to this and have without actually saying it, given off the impression 'I don't care for your presence unless it is on my terms and how I want it' and that is very inconsiderate.

Honestly, if you have any desire to keep this friendship, I would be making a grovelling apology and fast.

The "all or nothing" demand is not ok. Period. That's incredibly self absorbed and not how you treat the people you supposedly care for and who are attending an optional event to celebrate you. People are free to choose which parts they do or do not attend for any reason they choose. You're mad because your (most likely now ex) friend has a SO in her life now and isn't giving you and your wedding all of her attention.

This is a perfect example of why I despise the "It's my day, it's all about me!" attitude. Too many people let that go to their heads and take it way too far, treating others horribly.

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This is exactly why weddings can wreck relationships.

You are not in the right, period. That ring on your finger does not entitle you to be the boss of others. In fact, the wedding party positions are a chance for you to honour the nearest and dearest in your life. You've taken someone that was important enough for you to ask to be a bridesmaid and tossed the friendship away based on a night of drinking.

Why can't they go and enjoy the time at the hotel? You're forcing people to follow your own agenda. It's supposed to be a vacation for them, too. You would literally have people not go at all unless they follow your rules???

I mean this in the most supportive way, but maybe try and focus on gratitude and being a gracious and understanding bride from now on.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I know how it sounds controlling. & it was rude to “uninvite” him. But I didn’t actually invite him in the first place since he wasn’t in the picture before I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She asked if he could be invited & I shruggedly said fine. I support her happiness & she knows I don’t trust this guy just yet (he got her to quit her good job she’s worked so hard for to travel around the nation with him for his job & get an RV while he’s trying to divorce his crazy ex wife who accused him of domestic violence/not paying child support/stealing her money. I don’t know the guy to judge anything & I don’t know how much truth is in all that. But I know he’s had her not come to hang out with her friends who she barely get to see ever because there are guys (who are obviously gay). She didn’t even let her family know she’s traveling around with this stranger guy & im not suppose to let them know. All I can think of is the infamous Gabby Petito story). Even with all that she knows I do support her nonetheless. And I never get to see her & we had ONE meet up for the wedding meeting which was when I gave the girls their dresses at my house. At that point I tried to ignore the fact that she was on the phone with the guy the entire time & her guy got upset that my fiancé (who lives there & just got home from work) was in the house with us while we were discussing about the wedding. This isn’t even about me. I just want everyone who’s coming to party to actually party. And there’s no hard feelings to anyone who doesn’t want to join & not party. Not everyone is expected to be a part of the bachelorette. If they really want to celebrate with me in a more relaxed scenery then we could do it another time separate from my actual bachelorette party. Everyone understood this & Know I wasn’t trying to exclude anybody. But I invited around 20 of the friends I’m fairly close with so no one felt left out. Everyone had the choice to decline.

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Still no. The key is literally how you treated someone that once mattered to you. All of this is stuff is not part of how you treated her, which was not great.

I cannot fathom how her not going to the bar was personally affecting your life, enough to ruin your friendship.

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"But I didn’t actually invite him in the first place since he wasn’t in the picture before I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She asked if he could be invited & I shruggedly said fine."

Why wouldn't you welcome him along, knowing he was her fiancé?

Just as a heads up for anyone else, if someone identifies as being in a relationship, their SO should be invited by name.

This shouldn't be a "shrug" issue. He was her fiancé.

View Quoted Comment He was her fiancé literally two days ago. They started dating 3 months ago. He didn’t exist before any of this. I even asked her before I booked anything that if she doesn’t want to go bar hopping it’s okay you don’t have to go it’s just a bachelorette party & we can do something else another time. & she said yes she will go until yesterday. I’m not going to have someone stay in the hotel room while everyone else goes out. When it’s the whole point of the night. There is no reason for her to go if she’s not going to go out. I did though apologize for being too honest with how I feel about the abrupt information she conveyed me the other day & she understands but she will still be at the wedding.

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I'm done trying to help you. You sound like you need validation, so maybe you'll find someone that agrees with your approach.