Bachelorette ii

You can't "make" anyone travel. Bachelorettes are optional. They were never even traditional, just meant to be a fun night out with girlfriends. The problem with destination bachelorettes is that they are a huge burden on others. I can't tell you how many people I've heard complain behind the scenes then go despite the trip being inconvenient and over budget because they love their friend. Some people make excuses, which may or may not be true, while others will sacrifice unreasonably to attend. If you love traveling, then travel. But I wouldn't bring the pressure of a wedding related event into it.

To answer your question, I do think it's rude to organize your own bachelorette regardless.

View Quoted Comment I have noticed that you and I often share opposite views, lol.
I am not “making” anyone do anything. The plan since the beginning was to attend my bachelorette, and everyone is down for it. The only person that cannot make it is the MOH because she can’t request an extra day. So to not make people travel for only 2 days, I have decided to do it another weekend that my girls can still make it, plus another one that couldn’t do it the original weekend.

"We talked, and everyone agreed to do something minor, like a brunch or spa day two days before the wedding"


IMO this sounds like everyone's comfort level regarding the bachelorette. If you enjoy traveling, maybe you could throw out an invite for anyone interested in joining you for a last trip as a single lady.

I definitely wouldn’t do two bachelorettes, especially if one involves substantial travel. It sounds like the brunch and spa day right before the wedding is what works for everyone, including the MOH, so I would just do that. She might honestly be pretty hurt that she suggested a weekend that worked for pretty much everyone, minus the fact that it’s not enough time to do the activity you want to do (go to Tulum), so you’re just ditching her. So another possibility is to still do that weekend but do an activity that only takes up the two days she’s available. As others have said, you don’t need an excuse for a ladies trip, so you can always organize one of those with your friends.

View Quoted Comment The original plan was to travel either cruise or a Caribbean island from Jan 12 to 13. But yesterday I was talking to the MOH and she said she will be available jan 12 after 4 pm and Monday morning she has to be logged in for her rotations already. It doesn’t make sense to have everyone traveling from so far away for only Saturday and Sunday. We don’t have enough time. Doing it around them isn’t an option either because they wanted a warmer weather. I offered to pay for her service and internet white out of states and she refuses because she’s scared the signal will be weak. Again, we all thought it was going to be we taking a plane early morning on Friday and coming back Monday afternoon. But no. I gave them the idea to forget about it and do something small before the wedding. But yesterday I was thinking it through and I would like to still have that long weekend to travel with the girls, so I’m deciding to change the date since my MOH can’t make it anymore and I have another friend that couldn’t make it the original date so now she can join. Clear now ?

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All of this is extra because it is in poor taste to plan your own party. All you are saying is that you are willing to ditch the person who is supposed to be your very best friend, your MOH.

All these "destination bachelorette" parties are such a huge inconvenience to the people who are supposed to be the most important to you all in the name of pictures.

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I am going to preface this by saying I don't agree with the whole "destination bachelorettes are a terrible idea/shouldn't be done, etc." Tons of friend groups enjoy them! They are a great excuse for a girl's trip, and if that's what the wedding party gets together and decides on, then what's the big deal? However, I hate to say it but what you are describing sounds super confusing and messy. You already had one event planned. Cancelled it. Then planned another event (the spa day before the wedding) in its place. Now you want to cancel that also, have your girls change plans around for a third time and ditch your MOH. Tbh, if I were in your wedding party I would be getting a bit frustrated with you, and worried about bridezilla behavior for the rest of the wedding/planning experience. And it sounds like you also plan to host your own bachelorette. This is only acceptable when you plan to pay for the event. So I guess if you are planning to pay for everyone's flights, hotels, entertainment, etc. then it would technically be ok (although you run the risk of hurting your MOH's feelings). If you do not plan to pay for the event, then I think you would be better off just sticking to the current plan of the spa day before the wedding. You could always try to organize a girls trip/cruise for after the wedding!

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You literally said you didn't think it was worth it to "make everyone travel for only two days." My point was that you can't "make" anyone travel or attend a bachelorette at all for that matter. These things are totally optional. Your wording suggests the true reality of the situation, however, which is that as soon as you attach a wedding related title on an event your bridal party and close friends will often feel obligated to be there. Everyone I know who felt burdened by the destination bachelorettes and weddings they attended told the bride they were down for it, too.

I think MOH will may very well feel upset, sad or offended if she hears that the two plans that worked for her, ie a more local, shorter event in January, or something close to the wedding were both written off for the sake of a vacation trip as opposed to her company.

And LOL, yes I've noticed that too.

Sounds like you really want the trip, and are sort of doing some mental gymnastics to justify going. I also agree with pp's who are saying this is sounding confusing and messy, along with now planning this for yourself. I'm also thinking this may be hurtful to your MOH who is now not part of it at all.

I'm understanding just fine, as are the rest of the posters here. I don't think your MOH should be obliged, guilted or pressured to take a day off of vet school for a pre-wedding party. There's no way I would have even considered taking time off for a cruise in my post grad training (in a similar program). Your expectation for her to do that is not realistic.

Events like showers and bachelorettes are optional only, and not the job of the MOH to plan or pay for. The position as MOH is a chance for you to honour her, not the other way around. Her ability to attend the bachelorette should not be a reflection on her. Just because she's your MOH is not "more reason" for her to attend.

You are not getting what you want, and are trying to "solve" the problem by changing plans around in order to get what you want.

Are you sure you're comprehending what the posters here are trying to say? I think it's all meant to be helpful to you.

View Quoted Comment I’m curious why you would think destination bachelorettes are a huge inconvenience… They are a great idea to get together with your girls and have a blast. Perfect excuse. And yes, you can always plan a girls' trip, but is it really that simple? No. I feel like for a bachelorette, people can commit more to it because it’s a special occasion. Your last trip before you get married. Just because they are the most important people to me I would in a heartbeat commit to their party and ask for a day off at work if I need to attend to their bachelorette/wedding etc.

View Quoted Comment I see you all understand, and yes, I comprehend just fine that y’all see things differently from what I see them. To me, I live first, enjoying with my loved ones and leaving work/school second. Why? Because you never know when you’ll be underground and won’t get to live an exciting moment anymore. So yes, maybe my expectations are high, but am I being complicated by asking her to check with the school before saying no? I don’t think so. Everything in life is pretty doable with communication, and honestly, yes, I have ideas of how hard it must be for her because I went through similar stuff in med school, too, and yet I requested off plenty of times. It’s not a big deal, and it will never be. It’s only a day off, not a whole week.
I appreciate ALL of your support and gentle comments from y’all. I am greatly thankful for all your time and thoughts.

You’re making a lot of very one sided assumptions. You can’t possibly say that or know it would be no big deal for your MOH to take off a day from a very rigorous, demanding, and fast paced schedule.


It may have been no big deal for you to take off a day at will, but that doesn’t mean that’s true for her. She may not be willing to leave town for anything but a true emergency or even know she’ll need any days off to be reserved for other, private, reasons. She may know she does not function well under pressure. You may in reality know little of her academic standing, the expectations of individual instructors of her, or with respect to unnecessary absences.
As for destination bachelorettes, I think this has already been answered. A girl’s trip is something that does not carry the same weight of expectation or obligation, whether self imposed for fear of disappointing the bride or obviously so as in this case. It’s also planned jointly, with everyone’s wishes and budgets in mind, as opposed to one person’s vision.
Once you label something as wedding related, many people will sacrifice or spend unreasonably, usually at a stage in their lives when there are many priorities. Bachelor and bachelorette parties have become popular but were only meant to be a minor, optional event such as a fun local evening out with friends. Many people still think that’s what they should be. It’s unfortunate that it’s not enough to have one’s best friends and close family by their side on their wedding day.
IMO it’s disingenuous to pretend that it’s up to them to say yes or no, either to to trip or the role itself, or to have the misguided belief that being a bridesmaid signs your friends up to free access to their bank accounts. The expectation here is actually the perfect example of why people put this kind of pressure on themselves.

View Quoted Comment You’re blaming it on the bachelorette party or because “wedding related trips”. I have said multiple times that everyone is willing to pay and go on this trip. Everyone is okay with the amount of time needed, the money and places. The only one that cannot make it that specific weekend is a friend that she actually have her boards the same week. I was okay with that weekend because I really want my MOH there and since that’s the only weekend “she can go” we all agree to it. But again, we all thought that we will be traveling early morning on a Friday. Don’t fret! I again I appreciate your input but things are getting cleared out. She’s going to request Friday and Monday because she read the book and it’s not strictly necessary for her presence in that class. So most likely we will be booking our girls trip/bachelorette party this week for a full long weekend of adventures and fun just like everyone wanted, including me.

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I understand that everyone is willing to go and pay for the trip. My point is that while people will often tell you they are enthusiastic, can't wait etc. that Is often because a bachelorette has inexplicably come to be billed in some circles as a special "once in a lifetime" event with an (misguided IMO) expectation of bridal party attendance.

It's just possible that close friends don't want to disappoint you even more than they want to avoid an unreasonable hit to their bank balance, use of vacation time, or time away from school, work, or family obligations. It certainly doesn't mean they won't have a good time, but it also doesn't mean they are sharing any ambivalence or pressure they may feel with you. For that reason, IMO it's an unfortunate trend and an unreasonable thing to ask, accept or encourage. We will just have to disagree there.