Almost 4 years, a baby and no ring. Any advice?

While I can understand that marriage seems to be a deal breaker for you, I think you need to think about your child in this situation too. Are you prepared to split holidays and weekends forever because he hasn't proposed yet?


I think it would make more sense for you to suggest couples counseling (this will be great for you as first time parents too) and see if you can more effectively communicate about why marriage is so important to you and why this is a deal breaker.

All the talk about being old school or traditional doesn't really make sense now that you two have a kid together. I would definitely stop listening to your mom on this topic because her experience, opinions, and advice aren't relevant or helpful.

I don't think moving back out will encourage him to propose. At this point, it doesn't sound like anything will really encourage him to do it, since his reasons are just meaningless excuses (no one needs a ring to get married!). You two really need to talk frankly (no more hoping or hinting) about what you both do and don't want, and what each of your timelines look like.

And you need to decide for yourself how long you want to wait for someone who doesn't seem that interested in marriage. I don't mean giving him an ultimatum, but I mean giving yourself permission at some point to stop waiting and just go about living your life on your own terms. You can choose to be single and raise your kid in a co-parenting situation with your ex. Plenty of people do this quite successfully.

I would definitely stop listening to advice from your mom - I agree with PPs about that. She's old school, and that's fine, but stressing/pressuring a new mom "constantly" with her own ideas about what "should" be isn't cool. It's not her life - it's yours. And you did say that you like being together under one roof. Try to make sure that you are clear on your own wants/needs versus your mom's. And then trust your SO that he will come around by June. I believe it's very likely that he's planning a proposal but doesn't want to give it away/make it obvious by revealing the shorter, real timeframe. I wish you lots of luck! And a moment of relaxation and a deep breath in realizing that you guys are in a committed relationship, living together, and raising a little one together - and the rest will fall into place One thing at a time! And hey, maybe your little one can be the flower girl or ring bearer at your wedding!

Obviously without knowing your boyfriend, I can’t really say what’s going on, but if it makes you feel better my FH was a “I need to save for the ring” guy…and he meant it! I actually wasn’t the one pressuring him, although internally I was getting impatient and starting to wonder whether he doubted our relationship. I would make “joking” comments sometimes, like if he’d make a passing reference to marriage, I’d be like “I don’t see a ring.” But we’d been living together for a couple years and he kept saying he wanted to get married, and I was very like ok how much longer is this gonna take? I found out later that his mom was being pushy with him about proposing, and he kept telling her he was going to do it as soon as he found and could afford the right ring (and then after that he waited until our next trip for the actual proposal). Now I’m in love with my e-ring and can’t imagine if he’d sprung for another one sooner. So your boyfriend might really mean it!

View Quoted Comment I’ve suggested pre-marital counseling and he’s agreed to go. So we’ll start there to get things sorted out. Thank you!

View Quoted Comment You hit the nail on the head about being clear on my wants and needs vs what my mom wants. That’s always been something I struggled esp bc I’ve always worked to gain her approval on whatever decisions I made for my life. We’ve talked and I’ve made it clear on what I want. He’s made his intentions clear and now I feel more confident that he indeed wants to be married and that he will pop the question soon. In the mean time, I will try to relax bc this has been stressing me for months now. Thanks for your advice!

View Quoted Comment That’s great to hear! I do believe my bf will propose soon. He’s stressed to me that he isn’t just stringing me along and I believe him. I’m going to try and relax and just enjoy life. I’m tired of being stressed about this.

Pressure and ultimatums are two very different things. I honestly don't believe in either. Staying with someone for the sake of a child is not a good place to be either. I know this....I was married for 39 years the first. This is definitely not a forum for this question unless those responding are therapists. By the way, therapy is not cheap and may deplete the ring fund. You already know what's in your heart. Get out of your head, your ears to chatter and for heaven's sake, this site may not be the place to be on right now. I know you'll figure it all out and I do hope my input is helpful.

From what you've shared, it sounds like your mom's opinions have been overly present in your mind. Your mom has this idea about "live-in girlfriends" which just isn't the reality of society today. As you can see from those who have answered, living together doesn't mean that he won't commit. This is a very very outdated school of thought. And honestly, since you guys have a child together, living together is not the problem. None of this is a problem! I think you need to separate yourself from your mom's opinions, and think about what you want. Sure, you'd like to get married, and it sounds like your bf is really intent on actually proposing, but don't let him wanting to take a few extra months to make it special deter you from staying. You live together. You have a child together. If you legitimately don't see a future with him, then that's a different conversation. But living with him for a little while longer, while "only" being his girlfriend doesn't sound like a deal breaker for you. It sounds like a deal breaker for your mom. Don't let her outspoken opinions make you feel like you're compromising. This is a set up that is working for you and gets your child the care they need. Your bf is working on the ring and proposal, and it'll be here soon enough.

I definitely agree with others that therapy is a great idea! They are incredible at giving you tools to keep your communication lines open. Best of luck! It sounds like your bf really loves you, and I'm sure this will turn out all right.

I agree with PPs about your mom. Not believing in shacking up is fine to preach *before* you have a grandchild, but it's moot after the fact and she's beating a dead horse.

But what stood out to me is "he knows that I want a nice quality ring, not anything cheap. I felt like he was making an excuse so I told him he can just get me a less expensive ring (I’m thinking $1k-2k)". You two have a young child now. $1k-2k is still a *lot* of money that could better be spent on your family. If marriage is such an ultimatum for you, maybe meet him half way. Get a <$300 ring for now and upgrade from that in a few years if it really means that much that you have an engagement ring.

First off, I'd tune out your mom (easier said than done, I know). She's not the one living your life, you are.

I'd also recommend trying to meet your boyfriend where he is. If he says he'll propose by June, take his word that he'll propose by June. Rings are pricey, especially when you also have a baby to consider, and it's not the worst thing in the world that he wants to get you something nice

That being said, if there isn't a proposal by June, I'd have a serious conversation about what each of you wants out of your relationship and for the future. It's perfectly valid to want to get married, and it's also valid if he isn't ready for whatever reason. If this is something either of you is willing to discuss in counseling, that may be a good avenue to work things out. But otherwise, it might be a case of incompatible life paths. Nothing wrong with that, but it's of course an uncomfortable position to be in.

Wishing you all the luck on this!