Advice with wedding

That is rough. It sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with any of it. Some people are not supportive. Personally I wouldn't discuss wedding plans with him or invite him because neither of you need that toxicity.

It is not just your FFIL. An awful lot of parents take absolutely no interest in the planning of their son's and daughter's weddings, zip. And they may be loving and caring parents in other ways. As my younger sister's FSIL told her, when asked why he never had any preference, and would rather watch TV than plan, " I wasn't interested in making the big do for my brothers or my sisters, and my Mom did ours. I show up and I pay for holiday dinners, anniversaries, kids ( long list)...an now it's weddings. You want to plan, you plan. I'll come. ... He put it more bluntly than most do. But I doubt he bought or even signed a greeting card in his whole married years. Wife does social aspect of Marriage and Family, he doesn't. period. My parents and Hubby's are big family people, but never put their opinions into our marriage. They would help as asked. But fully 4 of my 8 sibs have married husbands or wives who basically showed up at the engagement, or not, and showed at the wedding, or not. The same ones expect kids to always travel to parents, never 2 way. ... 🙂I say this because you probably wonder what is wrong with them. And the answer is, nothing. Their personalities are long established, and they my play favorites and support some kids, or none. I think they are the natural counterbalance for all the parents who are overly controlling of their grown children. 🤗 Take away these extremes, maybe as much as half of parents, and most of the rest are some reasonable degree of interested. But don't act like FFIL is a problem to be solved. Just peacefully coexist. He will only change if he sees a need to, and likely he doesn't, and won't. So don't take it as any fault in you or your FI.

There's a world of difference between simply not caring and badmouthing someone and their ideas. The latter is toxic and is not loving or supportive at all which it sounds like he is not.

View Quoted Comment I agree. It’s like “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” I don’t really care if he is involved in the planning, I just don’t agree with him calling other family members and making comments that are hurtful and rude.

It may be a painful reminder for him that his wife, your fiancé’s mother, is deceased. So perhaps he is bitter about the fact that she isn’t here to help plan. Extend him some grace and understanding, and just don’t mention wedding plans around him.

Hi Nikkij, I agree with Monica. I think it has more to do with the mother of his children not being there. He sounds old school and sadly many men were taught not to cry and hold it in. Weddings are emotional and seems like he holds feelings way down. Harder to accomplish the “tough guy front” at a son’s wedding, hence making jokes and light of things are a defense mechanism. Certainly doesn’t make it right considering your fiancé’s feelings, but likely how Dad has always coped. You’re doing the right thing by being a listening ear to your fiancé and remaining supportive ❤️

First thing - what is your future SILs motivation for sharing the mean comments with your FH? ItMs already established that his dad is being a jerk, there is no need for her to continue to press on that bruise.


I get that he’s not a heart-to-heart guy. But is he a “what the heck is your problem dad? Why are you so determined to act like a donkey’s behind about my wedding?” kind of guy?

Half the problem here is that no one wants to talk about their feelings.

Your FH needs to sit his dad down and call out his behavior. AND his sister.

Counseling may help, as this family dynamic sounds very toxic...

It just sounds like one big round of gossip and bad-mouthing, and someone has to break the cycle. It's tough that your FH is the one that has to do it.

I'm so sorry. That is unfortunate. Maybe thrre should be less wedding talk with your family when FH is around.

I'm also curious about why your FSIL is sharing her dad's comments. I'm also in a family where my brother is treated very differently than I am. I used to notice all the ways, but eventually I just had to accept it and stop. It is very painful though. I'm sorry your FH is being hurt by this.

View Quoted Comment True. But in this post, and past post, the only bad mouthing is that she says he calls SIL and makes backhanded comments about the wedding. And it may never in the world occur to him that FSIL makes a point of reporting what Dad says to her privately, over the phone, where he knows Your FI cannot hear, directly to her brother and OP. The toxic rat is not FFIL. It is FI's sister. in both threads.
Reality is, every parent has opinions, and not always what we hope. But sis is the one sharing private conversations. Her own Dad has likely no idea, what she passes on, or if she exaggerates and makes what he says go from, Since your mom died, I really have a hard time with ...... losing Brother, knowing he will spend more time with FWife Nikkij 's family than ours, or some other "backhanded " or indirect thing about his own sadness, but it is magnified and made clearly negative by the way Sis Reports it. In both threads, I think SIS is the rat with the toxic bite, as no other negative acts are cited about Dad. Except failing to supply the kind of love FI misses since his Mom's death. But that is not a bad act toward FI. All the negative is from SIS's reports of her private calls with Dad, sister the nasty gossipmonger. Take her out, the worst Dad does is not be as supportive as Fi thinks his mom would have been. There is no meanness in that, simply a failure of father and son to connect as much with Dad as he used to with mom. And outside pop psychology, that is true of half of all families. Long term, most young and grown children identify more with one parent than another. And most parents are closer to one child than others. But that is not evil, and cutting father out won't help. Now shutting up SIS reporting supposed negative things Dad says, that might help. Maybe to her it is a "see, Daddy always liked me best and still does" , thing.
Go after the rat, not Dad.