Advice needed- bridesmaid and maid of honor swap

What duties is she not sure she can sufficiently fulfill? The main duty of MOH is to stand next to you at the altar and hold your bouquet. Things like heading up planning of pre-wedding events, giving a toast, etc. are all things that can be done by whoever would like to and doesn’t need to be the MOH. The role is meant to be a way to honor your nearest and dearest, so before having people swap roles, I’d ask her what exactly her apprehension is, as it may be something that is easily handled by just a conversation.

View Quoted Comment I live in Southern California and she lives in Arizona so she has let me know that she would not be able to attend bachelorette or bridal shower and she would really only be available on the wedding day.

View Quoted Comment I would just assure her that all of that is OK! Attending pre-event parties (ie, showers and bachelorettes) is completely optional, and in no way a “duty” of the MOH. The only thing the MOH is responsible for is showing up to stand with you on the day of your wedding. Just let her know that you expect nothing more out of her, and that the title of MOH is just a way for you to honor her and your friendship.

View Quoted Comment Cece took the words right out of my mouth! She’s not obligated to attend pre-wedding events if it’ll be a hardship. That doesn’t make her any less important to you!

Is FSIL already a bridesmaid? If so, I wouldn’t bother with promoting her to be second MOH. You already had two as it was, so just let college friend drop to a bridesmaid and have one MOH.

View Quoted Comment

She doesn't need to attend either though!

I would let her know that it's your chance to honour her and her friendship, and she doesn't need to do anything but be there for you on the day.

Once you start shifting people around, it starts to feel like they are props or something. You don't need to replace people. I think you're right, you risk making people feel like backups.

The first thing to do is disabuse yourself of the idea that the things you mention are MOH "duties." They are not. The role is an honor given on the basis of your relationship to that person, not a job. The only real responsibility involved is on the day of the wedding, ie to participate in the ceremony, stand in support, and minor things ahead of time like helping the bride dress, taking photos, holding flowers etc. It should never be conditional on the person planning, paying for or attending optional pre-wedding events that are properly completely voluntary to host. If no one offers it doesn't happen.

I agree with PP. They are loved ones, not props.