Advice: Cousin decided to rsvp 4mo old baby without asking - when the whole family knows we’ve been dealing with infertility.

Well, I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, that must be so difficult for you.

Having said that, usually nursing infants are viewed as an exception to the rule about "no kids". At 4 months of age, baby is likely to be dependent on mom still for nourishment. You are within your rights to request the baby not attend, but that may mean that the mother may not make it.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but you sound very emotional and angry, which I do get. It might help for you to find some help dealing with what I can only imagine to be these very intense feelings.

I appreciate the mental support thoughts - we are working with a fertility coach and I have my typical therapist - and yes I am doing daily cortisol techniques. Both my cousin and brother had no fertility issues, got pregnant within 2 months of trying and still smoke or drank. Typically I am able to be more objective, but this is our wedding and very "close to home" it's hard to separate vs others on the streets or tv. My fiance and I have been chatting for the past few days on this and how we feel is: We're paying for a videographer and don't want babies in the background - even happy sounds. If there is a crowd meeting the new baby instead of participating, neither of us would be happy. The venue is a museum, so there is no space for naps - we've thought about giving her access to the area the vendors have for feeding/fussy time. We'll have a live band - so it'll be a volume we cant control that much. But ultimately, if my cousin really wanted to support us for our day, she would at least ask before bringing an infant.

That said, I’m sorry for your struggles and wish you well. If you don’t think you can deal with it or keep it together on the day I’d be honest with her and let her know you understand if that means she can’t attend.

It's totally within your rights to have a child-free wedding. Your cousin is way out of line in assuming that her baby can come without asking first, and Andrea's suggestions are spot-on.

You seem to have much anxiety and anger, so I also suggest a child-free wedding. Many couples choose no children at all while some allow infants, and others allow older children, but not younger. It's your event. If the cousin is not comfortable separating from her infant for an evening, she can stay home.

You have every right to have a child free wedding. If this cousin knows about your struggles they should know to make other arrangements for the wedding. We had a situation at our wedding that shows how this can effect people. One of my bridesmaids had adopted a child from out of the country. Unknown to her the child had serious health problems and passed away 3 months later. I wanted a child free wedding for her. One of the guests knowing well the story brought her 6 month old. The baby cried and my friend broke down during the ceremony. One of my bridesmaids was able to comfort her and take her to a room for some privacy. Sorry for being so long but I still get mad about how my friend was so distraught when it didn’t have to be that way.

Fiance and I are honestly not bothered if she's able to attend or not, as we completely understand her needing to prioritize her family - esp if she does not want to leave the baby home or with a sitter, etc. And we fully support her in that choice. On a day that is a focus for us, that we are paying for by ourselves, on a single family income (mine) - we want to be happy and really in the moment and not have things take away from that if possible, but especially things that are anticipated. Today we messaged her together to share our excitement for her as a parent, but our concerns in the baby attending, to allow her to respond and understand any plans she might have. I also want to acknowledge and thank all those who shared their own fertility journey, and hugs to you for going through that as well, too many of us.